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“You know it’s for the best.”I push off the wall.“I’m sorry if that hurts you, but I don’t know how this is goin’ to go for us, and a baby will only complicate things more.”
She stares at me, her eyes sad.“I feel like you’ve already made your choice, you’re just not going to say it.”
I wish it were that simple.
If I’m being honest, though, my heart is pulling me toward Janine.It always has, I was just too fucking stuck in the past to see it.Doesn’t mean Harper is someone I can just remove from my life, either.
“I love her, Harper.I can’t turn that off just because you want me to.”
She flinches.“And me?”
“You know I’ll always love you, but I’m strugglin’ to push the past away from the present.I love the woman you were, but I don’t know the woman you are now.I’m in love with the ghost of you, but things are different now.I don’t know if what I feel toward you is real, or just something I’ve held on to.”
“You’re not even trying to get to know me as I am now,” she argues, her bottom lip trembling.“You won’t spend any quality time with me to get to know me again.If you did, you’d see that I’m the same woman you loved.Nothing has changed.If you want to go back to Janine, then say so, because I deserve to move on, too.”
Taking in a shaky breath, I let her words penetrate.
Move on.
Let her move on.
With another man.
To be happy.
The reaction I felt when Janine said that isn’t the same as when Harper is saying it.With Janine, it invoked a rage I could barely control.The idea of her being with another man was nearly enough to send me into a frenzy.With Harper, even though it stings a little, I can see myself letting her be with someone else, letting her move on, letting her be happy.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I want to go home to my family.
It hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest.
The moment I’ve been waiting for.
The clarity.
Janine, Ebony and Max ...they’re my family.
Harper is my past, and though seeing her again has brought back emotions I had forgotten about, she’s no longer my future.She deserves to move on, to find happiness, to find love.It might cause some hurt to swirl around in my chest, but that hurt is nothing on the feeling I got at the thought of Janine moving on.
Fuck.
What have I done?
Why did it take the idea of her being pregnant to make those feelings surface?
“You’re going back to her,” she whispers, tears welling in her eyes.“I can see it in your face.”
Taking a step forward, I reach out and catch her cheek in my hand.“I’m sorry.Never wanted to hurt anyone, but she’s where my heart is.I’ve tried to push that away, but no matter what I do, I keep circling back to her.She’s my wife, and I love her.”
“What about me?”she cries, slapping my hand away.“What about what we had?I waited for you, Brian.God, all those years I fucking waited for you and now you’re just going to toss me away like old trash without even trying.”
“I thought you were dead,” I snap.“You wanted me to what?Never move on?Stay forever in a fucking loop?You were gone, and I had to move on, and that’s exactly what I did.I found someone who brought my soul back to life and now she holds the flame.I know that fuckin’ hurts you and I’m sorry, but I need you to accept that this is what I want.”
“No,” Harper shakes her head, tears falling from her cheeks.“No, I won’t accept it.I won’t because I remember what we had.I remember how good it was.I know you do, too.If you didn’t, you would have chosen her straight away.Stop lying to yourself, Brian.”
