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“You’re worried for Cat? Why, because marrying me would be such a horrible thing?”
She scoffs, shaking her head. “Who says my concern is for Cat? You’re chasing a fairytale that isn’t real, and you’re both going to end up hurt.”
Once I’m in her driveway, I throw the truck into park and turn to face her. Her features bunch, as if she’s daring me to challenge her further. I let go of the steering wheel and consider my response, running a hand through my hair.
“A fairytale, huh?” I jeer. “So, what’s real? Going home with someone you barely know and have no feelings for?”
A look of hurt crosses her features, her cheeks turning pink as her shoulders fall. “Yeah. It is.” She unbuckles her seatbelt, throwing it off. Her chest moves with animation as she glares at me with glossy eyes, making me feel like a total asshole. “It’s honest and upfront. I’m using them and they’re using me, like every relationship, except without all the pretending.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I relent, throwing my hands up in surrender. “Maybe I’m chasing an impossible dream, but at least I still dream. You’ve given up. All your time is spent running and hiding from everyone, and that makes you a coward.”
She jerks slightly, as if I struck her, her eyelashes fluttering as her stare falls to her lap. Nodding, she reaches for the handle on the door, pulling the latch and pushing it open. With a deep breath, she meets my gaze again and clears her throat. “You’re right.”
She turns and hurries out of the truck. “Lori, wait…I’m—”
My head hangs with defeat as the passenger door slams. I managed to make things worse instead of better.
ILLUSIONS OF ASH
After that first hug—after Jim had effortlessly torn down my walls, he went back to barely acknowledging me. Looking back on it now, I know that was all part of his manipulation. He gave me a taste of something I was so hungry for, knowing it would only make my appetite grow. And it worked, I found myself constantly seeking out his attention, gobbling up any little table scrap he threw my way. A smile, a brief touch, a shared laugh.
For the most part, he kept our conversations focused on my relationship with Allen. That was the one topic that always held his attention. He wanted to know everything.
After every conversation, he would list all the ways Allen had wronged me—encouraged me to break things off. He was right, of course. My relationship with Allen was toxic. But Jim’s intentions weren’t pure. He didn’t really care. He simply didn’t want anyone else touching me. Though, I didn’t realize it at the time.
He asked me if I’d given Allen my virginity after prom. I only told him no, but Nicole filled him in on the whole embarrassing story. My lack of sexual experience caused my prom night to end on a sour note, and Allen proved how little he cared for me.
When we were alone later that night, he pulled me into a hug. “I want you to know how special you are.” He kissed the top of my head and softly stroked my hair. “You deserve better. I’m going to show you the way you should be treated.”
His comment was odd and a little concerning, but I was too busy soaking it all up—his attention, his touch, his kind words. It’s not as if I couldn’t see his behavior was wrong, I simply turned a blind eye to it.
The next day, I broke up with Allen. For good.
22
Lori
My phone vibrates in my back pocket, and I pull it out to find another picture message from Julianna. She’s sent me at least one from every place they’ve stopped. They’re all so random, I don’t get it. There’s been a field covered in fog, an old barn falling apart, and now a red door.
“Who is that?” Cat asks, a little suspicion in her tone.
A Target run with Cat used to be one of my favorite things to do. In fact, it used to be something we did at least once a week. These days, it seems as if we hardly see each other. Which doesn’t allow for wasting time on Saturdays, cruising the sale aisles. So, when she asked if I wanted to come help her pick out something to wear to the funeral today, I was thrilled. But she’s been quiet, skittish, and moody. Something is off with her. Or, perhaps, I’m merely projecting because of my own issues.
Things with Spencer have gone from bad to worse. He hasn’t even attempted to text or call me. Not that I’ve tried either. The things he said were hurtful, but he wasn’t wrong. I am a coward. Only, not for the reasons he believes me to be. Not wanting to wear a stupid white dress and sign a piece of paper that allows the government to legally tie me to another human being doesn’t mean I’m afraid, it makes me smart. In all honesty, the thing that’s been eating at me the most is the fact that he still seems determined to ask Cat to marry him. Maybe I should take a step back to examine why that upsets me so much, but like I said, I’m a coward.
I turn the phone so Cat can see the screen, and she leans in to examine the photo. “Julianna is at it again. Can you please help me understand why they’re taking pictures of random doors? Because I don’t get it.”
She lets out a half-hearted laugh as she pushes the cart toward the end of the aisle, and I follow beside her. “They’re in love and happy, does it really matter why?”
“Okay, I can’t take it anymore. You’re being weird. I know you don’t handle death well, but this seems like something else. What’s going on with you?”
She pauses at the end of the aisle and begins rummaging through the red tag items, shrugging as she gives me a quick glance over her shoulder.
“Nothing.” She pulls a set of curtains off the shelf and turns to me. “Do you think these would look good in my bedroom?”
“Catelyn Shea, how long have we been friends? Do you really think I don’t know when something is bothering you? Spill it.”
Her shoulders sag as she throws the curtains into the cart and sighs. “Fine…but do you promise you won’t say a word to Spencer?”
