AllFreeNovel
Share Us
In the end, Adrian was quiet and visibly upset. I dropped him off that night feeling certain that I’d never hear from him again. But the next day he came to my dorm and said the four words I needed to hear most, “it’s not your fault”.
Then Adrian said three more words I wasn’t ready to hear, “I love you”.
31
Lori
With a deep breath, I blink the tears from my eyes then reach for a Kleenex to dry my face. This isn’t the first time Ashland’s story has resonated with me, but it’s the first time I’ve felt it related to my present-day life.
I love you.
I never put much stock in those three words until I heard them from Spencer. I believe hearing those words transformed Ashland, just as I believe they’ve changed me. I want to move forward—to heal those parts of myself that’ve been holding me back.
For so long I’ve let everything that happened with Paul keep me closed off. The possibility of love seemed so far out of reach for me that it didn’t even matter. Now, there’s someone trying to get in. I want to open the door to my heart, but all the obstacles around it need to be cleared out first. The biggest one being Paul.
My decision to stay silent about what happened with him all those years ago is set in stone. I have no desire to share my pain with others. Besides, where’s the justice in freeing myself of a burden knowing that it will fall on others? Paul has a wife and children, and I’m not sure how I would feel dumping that on them. It would likely add to the weight on my shoulders instead of lightening it.
Still, I can’t deny that something needs to be done. Ignoring my pain was a great plan for surviving, but it doesn’t leave much room for thriving. I spent the past couple days considering my options and remembered something Julianna said her therapist once asked her to do. Dr. Gentry suggested writing a letter to Jim, even though she could never give it to him. She said it could be a way for her to voice her grievances and essentially help cleanse those negative feelings weighing her down.
That’s exactly what I need. Putting those words to paper won’t be easy, and Paul may never read them. Still, it may very well be what I need to break the hold my past has on me.
Paul,
I’m writing you to say all the things I’ve been too afraid to admit before now. For seventeen years, I’ve been lying to myself and everyone around me. I’ve been running from the truth because acknowledging what you did means accepting I’m a victim. Turns out that isn’t as easy as people might think.
I finally found someone who loves me, and it’s time to purge myself of your venom. The time has come to face the truth. So, here it is. Seventeen years ago, you set your sights on me. I came to you a naïve, young girl looking for guidance, and you used me to fulfill your own sick desires.
You saw my weaknesses—my need to be seen and cared for—and you used that against me. Every compliment and encouraging word, merely smoke and mirrors so I wouldn’t see what was coming. You made me believe you cared about me, made me care about you, knowing it would keep me confused and quiet when you went in for the kill.
Then you did things to my body, things that had never been done, things I never wanted. I’ve asked myself so many times why I didn’t fight back, why I let you do those things to me. But how do you fight a monster you can’t even see?
The man who taught me, who helped me, was also the man who hurt me, who broke me. That isn’t easy information to process. I loved the man who took me under his wing. Acknowledging that he was you, that you were him, meant accepting that man never existed.
Maybe I’ve kept your secret all these years to protect myself. Perhaps I’ve chosen my career and livelihood over the pursuit of justice. But that is a choice I never should’ve had to make. And I’m done feeling guilty for wanting to survive.
I want you to know I’m not looking for your admission of guilt. I finally realize my truth is the only truth that matters. And I don’t want or need your apologies. That girl, the one you did those horrible things to, she’s gone, you killed her. You can never make amends.
I hope you’re not remorseful, that you aren’t praying for forgiveness. I’m not that gracious. I want you to suffer in hell like I’ve done all these years.
No, this letter is for me, to set me free. I’ll no longer let what you did hold me back. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become. You tore me down, but I’ve worked to put myself back together. Piece by piece, I’ve become stronger than I ever would have been—than I ever thought possible. Because of you, and what you did, I know I’m strong enough to weather any storm.
Farewell,
Lori
ILLUSIONS OF ASH
It was love that changed me—love that saved me—but all the love in the world couldn’t erase my memories. His love had given me the strength I needed to free myself from Jim’s hold, and I tried so hard to move on. Adrian and I spent five years building a good life together.
Though I never had the courage to tell Nicole what happened, she had thankfully met someone new. She was happy and in-love with a baby on the way.
I wanted to put it all behind me, to forget it ever happened, but I was still harboring the secret of what Jim did to me. I was free from my cage, but still tethered to him. No matter how much time passed, I continued to feel haunted by what he did.
I thought talking to Jim might help, that asking him why might make me feel better. That maybe if I understood, if I knew he was sorry. If he would only admit what he did, maybe—just maybe—it would finally release me of all my guilt and self-hatred. Perhaps then I could put what happened behind me.
I worked up the courage to face my demons but didn’t get the closure I was so desperately seeking.
Jim wasn’t sorry. Not at all.
