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Throughout my last period, I kept my eyes glued on the clock, watching the minutes pass by until the final bell rang. It felt like time was moving slower the more I watched. I couldn't tell you what was even being taught during Geometry class. When the bell finally rang, I was already packed up and bolting out of the room. It would be a tight squeeze to make it to the address Trevor wanted to meet at before I needed to be home. Especially since I still didn’t have my driver's license, I would have to walk there and back before Nora was ready to go home.
Before my last class, I had already dropped off everything I wouldn’t need to take home in my locker, leaving me free to head straight out. Thankfully it was a short walk to the old playground he wanted to meet at. It was somewhere we had found once two years ago. Since that day we used it as our meeting place when I would sneak away. It wasn’t often, but I spent every chance I got with the boy who saved me.
Seeing him look so haunted on the first day of school and still now has been breaking me every day. I wanted to help him and protect him. Be his friend or maybe something more. Even if I know my father won’t allow it.
“You came,” his rough voice calls out when I round the last corner and the park comes into view.
I see him sitting on one of the two swings still remaining. My heart rate picks up as I look at him and walk his way. He’s edgier and darker than when I first met him, but I think it makes him even hotter. I like this version of him. He’s even bulkier than the scrawny kid I first met and barely fits on the swing he’s sitting on. I’m sure my cheeks are turning pink with how heated they feel. Just as I’m staring at him, he’s watching me. It feels right but also so wrong. His gaze isn’t soft toward me; no, it's hard and cold. He looks angry, and I don’t know why. When he left, it was sudden. I don’t remember doing anything that would have angered him. It doesn’t make sense, and it just hurts me on top of this want I’m feeling toward him.
“Of course I did. You asked me to,” my voice is soft as I answer. When I reach the edge of the swing area, I hesitate. I want to go and sit on the swing next to him and talk, but from here, I can feel the anger radiating off him, not just his expression which forces me to pause.
“We don’t have long. I need you to stop trying to talk to me at school. Just leave me alone,” his gruff voice calls out as he stands and stalks towards me.
I can’t help the way my body reacts to him. I’m slightly scared, but I also know Trevor would never hurt me. Watching him walk toward me turns me on. Something about this edgier side of him makes me want him. He can scare me, but he isn’t going to get me to leave. I care about him too much to let him go through whatever this is alone.
“I won’t,” my voice comes out much stronger than I feel. Now he’s standing in front of me, and I have to look up to talk to him. “What happened, Trevor? This isn’t you, and I’m not walking away until you talk to me.”
“You can’t help me, Emma. You’ll only get yourself hurt,” he growls as he looks down at me.
“No, I won’t. Just explain it to me and let me make my own decisions.” I place my hand on his chest. I expect him to move back from my touch, but he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
“I’m trying to protect you. I can’t do that if you push me.” I can hear the warning in his voice, but it’s not as strong as before.
“Trevor,” I sigh, pushing forward into him. I run my hand up his chest and cup his cheek. “I know you’ll keep me safe no matter what. I trust you. Please trust me. I have resources. I can help.”
“I’m in this mess because of you,” he rips out of my hold and turns his back on me.
“What do you mean?” my voice breaks with the questions.
My family, more specifically my dad, doesn’t like us hanging out but we have always been careful about it. We kept some distance at school but would slide notes in each other's lockers. We would even meet here at this abandoned playground just to avoid being seen. After my father beat me the second time we were caught together, we got smart and hid our friendship. How would anyone have found out? It doesn’t make sense how this would be my fault.
“I—” I choke, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill. I never wanted to cause him pain. I just wanted him in my life as my friend if nothing more. He’s the only person that liked me for me and not because of who my family is.
“Emma,” he scolds, his voice hard. When he turns back to look at me, all his features soften. I’m sure it has to do with the tears that did manage to slip free. “Fuck it,” he growls and runs towards me, pulling me into his arms.
I bury my face in his chest and just let the tears fall. He has always been my safe place. I can’t lose him but if it’s my fault then maybe I should just walk away. I don't want him hurt because of me. I love him too much to allow that to happen. Being in his arms now feels like home, but I know all too soon he will let me go and turn back into his hardened self.
“Baby, please stop crying. You know what your tears do to me.” He runs his hand through my hair and down my back while making soothing sounds.
This is the boy that knew. The one that protected me, cared for me, and always found a way to make me smile. I miss that. I miss him.
“I can’t,” I sob harder, clinging to him.
Trevor picks me up in his arms and carries me to the picnic table we always sit at. I feel him sit down while he settles me on his lap and just holds me, letting the tears fall until they begin to slow. His bulkier body makes it easier for me to feel tiny in his arms. It also makes me feel safe, and I think that’s what finally helps me to calm down. The only place I’ve ever felt safe is with him.
“Baby, we can’t do this again after today.” He places a soft kiss on the top of my head as his arms squeeze me tighter. “We can’t be together, and I need you to not push it. You have to be strong for both of us.”
“I can’t, Trevor. I won’t survive losing you. This last year I’ve felt so lost and alone. Plus, what about our school assignment?” I push further into him savoring every last minute I can.
“I’ll do my half and leave it in your locker. Let me protect you. Please,” he begs.
That’s what does me in and makes me agree. Trevor never begs. He will dive head first into any mess if it’s something that he believes in. The fact that he is pushing this distance so much and is begging me to allow us some space makes me pause. Something is definitely wrong. I know I need to give him what he wants for a while. At least until I can get to the bottom of it.
“On one condition,” I whisper into his neck.
“What’s that?” he sighs, already knowing he won’t like it.
“You tell me what’s going on and soon. I won’t be able to stay away if I know you’re in trouble. We protect each other Trevor.” I pull back slightly so I can look into his eyes. I need him to see that I’m not messing around. I want the truth.
