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Does he really hate me that much or is he just playing games to mess with me? Probably both.
“I’m staying,” I confirm.
“Okay then, let’s get started. River, could you share some of your earliest memories with us?”
“Mhhh, let me think.” River says, as if he is not taking any of this seriously, but I can see the real pain in his eyes reflecting back at me. “Getting beaten with a belt or a whip comes to mind. Crying myself to sleep is up there too. Not getting fed for days at a time was a fun one too.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Pissed.”
“Anger is a very valid feeling, but usually there is more underneath. Can you tell us what else you were feeling back then?”
For the first time, River averts his vision, looking at something on the ground instead of me. His jaw is tight, and his hands are balled up into fists next to him. Clearly, he’s uncomfortable talking about this.
Dr. Stone gives him a few moments to answer, but when he doesn’t, she pushes on. “It’s easy to be angry, but anger doesn’t actually help you heal.”
“Who says I want to heal? All I want is revenge.”
“And what then? Do you think you won’t be angry after? I have some bad news for you. Even if you hurt everyone you feel like deserves it, that dark, empty feeling inside of you will never go away. There is only one way to be happy again, and that is to deal with your trauma.”
“I have some bad news for you as well,” River tells the doctor. “I like feeling this way. Happiness can go fuck off. You want to know how it made me feel getting abused as a child? I felt weak, helpless, and unloved. But I don’t anymore, and Inever will feel that way again. I feel nothing but the need to kill, and I won’t stop until everyone who hurt me is dead.”
“I don’t believe you,” I blurt out, drawing River’s attention to me once more. “You are lying. Everyone wants to be loved and so do you.”
River suddenly gets up from his cot, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his nostrils flared. I don’t know why me saying this made him so angry, but he clearly is. “Whatever makes you sleep better at night,Angel,” he finally says through gritted teeth.
“Why don’t we change the subject?” Dr. Stone tries to defuse the situation.
“I’m done for today,” River announces before turning his back to us. “Thanks for the notepad. I’ll be sure to tell Ren all about today.” He snickers.
If it wasn’t for the doctor, I’d probably take the stupid notepad back.
“I’ll walk you out,” I offer, and Dr. Stone nods with a gentle smile before gathering her things.
As we make our way to the exit, I can’t help but ask, “Are you sure you can help Ren now that you have met River?”
“It will be a long journey, but since Ren is willing to work with me, there is no doubt in my mind I can help in the long run. Just be patient with him. It will take time.”
Time.I wish I had enough, but with being pregnant, I’ve got nine months tops. I need Ren beside me. There is no way I can have this baby on my own.
16
SCARLET
“I’m so glad you decided to come out with me. It’s not that I mind shopping when I’m by myself, but it’s so much more fun to have somebody to talk to and ask for opinions.”
Aspen smiles at me from over the top of a rack of baby clothes. They are adorable, so cute I could cry. Little dresses, little pairs of overalls. The tiniest shoes. My fingers itch with the need to touch everything, to hold it.
To put it in a cart so I can buy it for my baby.
Impossible. I can’t even afford to think about it as we move from rack to rack in the cute little store. The mood here is bright and cheerful, and it’s infectious. I’m able to smile happily through the jealousy that exists on the edges of my awareness.
I want to be able to do this for myself. I want to be happy about being pregnant. I want to feel hopeful, the way Aspen does. Instead, I carry the secret inside me, knowing it would be a very bad idea to announce it now. At this rate, I don’t know when would be a good time to tell everybody. I haven’t even gotten up the nerve to tell Ren, mostly because I’m still never sure if River is going to pop out. I don’t feel like trying to share a personal moment with somebody who hates me just for existing.
And forget telling my family. I don’t even want to think about the horror show that would turn into. Dad would never let me out of my room again. Quinton would never stop bitching and making threats against somebody he was supposed to love like a brother. There’s a tiny part of me that wonders if something like a baby would eventually unite us, but I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t afford to believe in the impossible.
“How do you feel?” I’m genuinely curious, and not only because she’s my sister-in-law, and she’s carrying my little niece or nephew. I sort of want to know what to expect once the months start to pass.
