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“Forgive me.” There are times I hate how gentle and careful she always is. She doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. Always wanting to be professional. I get it, and when I’m not in a shit mood, I can even appreciate it. It can’t be easy, sitting there and acting like a blank slate for a patient to scrawl their thoughts and fears across. There’s got to be all kinds of opinions banging around inside her skull, but she’s good at pretending otherwise.
Sitting up a little straighter, she clears her throat. “What you’re telling me is, Scarlet became physically involved with River while he was at the forefront of your consciousness.”
“Pretty much, yeah. She knew it was River and not me, but she did it anyway. And she didn’t even apologize.” Or did she? Fuck, it’s all screwed up in my head. It wasn’t thinking clearly.It’s not easy to piece everything together in the right order when I was practically blind with rage and hurt.
“Do you believe Scarlet deliberately waited for River to come out before she initiated the physical interaction with him?”
The question makes me way too uncomfortable. Like my skin is too tight for my body all of a sudden and somebody bumped up the thermostat. “I don’t know,” I admit.
“I’m not asking what you think is true,” she continues in that soft, even voice. “I’m asking what first went through your mind when you found out the two of them were intimate. Did you imagine her preferring River to you?”
I might not have thought of it that way at the time, but now that she mentions it… “Yeah. I think that’s where my brain went right away.”
“Has she refused physical contact with you?”
“No,” I admit. I wish she wouldn’t look at me the way she is now, like she’s trying to see inside my head. “It’s not like that.”
“Has she expressed more of an interest in the River side of your personality than in you, yourself?”
“No,” I mutter. My head is starting to hurt from all of this. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“You’re thinking she cheated on you.”
“Well, yeah.” Hearing the words spoken out loud is ugly, but I can’t pretend the feelings aren’t there.
I throw my hands into the air, staring at her. “Well? What do you think? Because she was hurt by the way I reacted, and I can’t look at her right now. It can’t go on like this forever.”
She blows out a long breath, frowning, and I get the feeling I’m not going to like what I’m about to hear. “Ren, at the end of the day, you need to keep in mind what we’ve discussed many times during our sessions. I realize it doesn’t feel like River is part of you, but that is the way you need to begin thinking of him. You are not two separate entities.”
“So you’re saying she’s right.”
“It isn’t as simple as that.” I almost hate how gentle she is. The understanding doctor. “Whether you are acting as Ren or as River, Scarlet sees the same person. And if you are ever going to heal after everything you’ve been through, you must find a way to begin seeing him as yourself.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I know it’s not easy,” she insists. “But it is part of the process. The most important part. If you are going to move forward in your life, this is a crucial step. Shifting your mindset.”
She checks her watch. I recognize her regretful frown. “And that’s it for today. I urge you to give this more thought. Don’t be afraid to think of River as part of yourself. Can you give this some real thought before we meet again?”
“Sure. What else do I have to do?” After all, I’m still a prisoner. Just because I’m not downstairs in a cell doesn’t mean I’m free to go wherever I want. It’s okay for me to wander around the house, but I don’t feel comfortable doing it. There are always eyes on me, like the family’s guards. Some of them were with us when we went to rescue Luna. They know I’m not going to hurt anybody around here, and they saw me throw myself over Q to keep him from being killed. That’s not enough to erase the distrust I see in all of them as I walk through the house after my session, looking for Xander.
Like I told Dr. Stone, there’s nothing for me to do but think, and I’ve had more on my mind than just Scarlet and River since we came back from rescuing Luna. Rebecca might be dead, but that’s not the end of it. I was stupid to ever think it would be. Somehow, I should’ve known she had backing from dangerous people.
It’s no big surprise, finding Xander in his office. The briefest frown touches his face before he catches himself and clears histhroat. “What can I do for you? Dr. Stone walked past a few minutes ago. Did your session go well?”
“It was fine.” He might be paying for my treatment, but that doesn’t mean I have to share with him. Not the specifics, anyway. “That’s not what I came in to talk to you about.”
“I’m all ears.” Yeah, and he’s all nerves, too. I make him nervous. Part of me wants to shout boo and freak him out a little, since I don’t think there are many people who have ever seen him look as uncomfortable as he does right now.
I point to one of the chairs in front of his desk, and he nods before I take a seat. Leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, I ask, “What’s next? How do we take down those Russians running operations out of New Haven?”
His eyebrows shoot up, but that’s the only reaction that shows on his face. “What makes you so sure we’re going to take them down?”
He can be a real prick when he puts his mind to it. “What’s the alternative? Leaving all those people there? They didn’t do anything to deserve being under the thumb of those assholes. We can’t leave them high and dry.”
He takes his time drawing a breath, while all I can do is bite my tongue to keep from screaming at him to start talking. “I see what you’re saying,” he begins. In a way, he reminds me of Dr. Stone right now. Like he’s walking through a minefield and wants to be careful where he steps. I hate it, but I guess I understand.
“But?” I prompt when he leaves me hanging for too long.
