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I texted back: Yeah, can I come over l8r? He sent back two thumbs up and a heart. I chuckled. Josh was weird, I still hadn’t figured him out. I liked him, a lot, that much was true. But I was scared that our weird relationship would fracture apart at any second.
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I knocked on Josh’s door and waited. The weather was particularly blistering and for some reason, I’d decided to leave my hair down. I picked it up off of my shoulders and back and fanned my neck. Josh opened the door and the breeze of cool air conditioning felt nearly orgasmic.
I stepped inside before even acknowledging Josh, “Oh my god, it feels so good in here,” I said.
Josh chuckled, “It’s hot as balls outside, I know,” he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest. He kissed me softly, as if I were breakable and then he pulled away, snagging my hand to lead me to the kitchen. On the breakfast table was a stack of assignments to be graded. On top of that was his laptop, which was open to Facebook and a picture of a happy looking family was open.
“Procrastinating much?” I asked. Josh snorted and walked to the table to exit out of Facebook and close his laptop.
“Actually, I just finished,” he said.
I leaned against the kitchen counter closest to the table and nodded towards the laptop. “Who was that family?” I asked.
Josh waved his hand dismissively. “My ex,” he said dully. I quirked my brow at him, meanwhile my chest grew hot and my mind started to race. Why was he looking at his ex’s happy family pictures? Didn’t that hurt him? Was he pining for her or for what she had and he didn’t? “It was nothing. Just scrolling through Facebook, as you do,” he said.
“As you do…and you clicked on your ex-wife’s picture?” I asked slowly.
Josh tried to laugh it off. “You sound like my sister,” he said. I wanted to ask him why he had to click on the picture and why he had been studying it but I knew. I knew he still wanted a family and a baby and a wife. It made no sense why he was wasting time with me and it was only a matter of time until he realized that. I didn’t want to put a wall up between us. But it was hard when at every turn, Josh insisted that we were more than just fuck buddies.
“This might seem like a crazy question but…do you ever think about having a family?” Josh asked suddenly. He had the stack of papers under one arm and his laptop in his hand to put away.
“Um…” I paused and a vivid picture of Josh and I together with a mini-him or me running around flashed in my mind. I imagined feeling a million times more relaxed as his wife and the mother of his kid. No stupid school policy or outside judgement weighed on us. It was a nice picture and it surprised me at how easily my mind conjured it up. It was also scary because at the other end of marriage was divorce and he’d already been through one, my parents were going through one and the hurt was palpable.
“I…I don’t know. Do you ever get scared of getting divorced again?” I asked. Josh shrugged.
“I plan on getting married to someone I see as my soulmate. Someone who won’t leave when things get hard but work it out with me,” he said.
“Aren’t you scared that you might never find that person?”
Josh’s brows wrinkled together and he looked confused for a moment. “Who’s to say I haven’t already?” Josh held my gaze as he walked towards his office. I didn’t know how to respond through the shock. What would make him say that? He disappeared into the room and I took a silent breath. Did he have feelings for me? The question spread an unexpected warmth through me and I couldn’t help my frown. The warmth felt wrong because to me, our relationship was terminal. There was no rosy colored future for us. It would only be a matter of time until he finally realized that and then what? By then my heart would be broken and I didn’t want that.
“Josh,” I said and sighed.
“Yeah, I’m comin’,” he said.
