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Chapter Sixteen
Josh
I finished collecting all of the takeout menus littered around my office and walked to the kitchen. Naomi sat at the table with her hands loosely folded in front of her.
“What’s up?” I asked. Her expression was serious, I looked at her in confusion. Was she still thinking about the picture I had of my ex? Why would she take that to heart so much?
“N-nothing…” she murmured, then rubbed at her temples and sighed. “It’s not nothing,” she said.
“If you’re still thinking about that picture of my ex, then it is nothing,” I assured her.
“No it’s not nothing, Josh. You want—”
“I don’t want her, if that’s what you’re getting at. It was just a stupid picture on my timeline. I told you about her already, she and I are over with—”
Naomi shook her head quickly and held her hand up to stop me. “You want what she has,” she said. I blinked at her, honestly at a loss for words because it wasn’t like she was wrong. I sat down at the table with her and put my arm over the back of my chair.
“I thought we talked about that too. Of course I do, eventually. But now, I’m here with you and we don’t have to think about anything else,” I said.
Naomi gestured to the air between us and inclined her head as if I’d caught on, “That’s the problem, Josh. This doesn’t make sense—what we’re doing—if you want a wife and kids. We can’t even go out on a real date without thinking people will see us and it’s not like we can tell our families about each other.”
“No, Naomi, you’re digging too deep. We don’t have to stop seeing each other. Once the class is over we can do whatever the hell we want,” I said. “And, I—for one—want you. So, come on, tell me what this is really about because I’m not ready to give this up.”
“That is what this is about. This is why I’ve always been cautious. Josh, you should be with someone who can give you the future you want, someone you don’t have to sneak around and pretend not to be with,” she said. I took a deep breath and waited for her to get on with it. Obviously she didn’t want to be with me if she could ignore what I just said. I bit my lip and looked down at the table, my heart felt low in my chest with disappointment. A big part of me didn’t want to let her go.
“I don’t—Josh I don’t think we should keep doing this,” she said.
“Don’t I have a say in this?” I asked. “I think we should keep seeing each other. I want you…don’t you want me?” I asked.
Naomi looked at me with wide eyes. She ran her fingers through her hair and shrugged to herself. “It doesn’t matter. There’s a lot going on in my life right now and…if I’m being honest, I can’t dedicate as much of myself to this anymore.”
I blinked at her, honestly perplexed. “So it doesn’t matter that we still want each other and can be together. You’re willing to walk away for…what? Fear that I might leave you to start a family with someone?”
“I’m willing to walk away for what I just explained, Josh,” she said.
“I don’t get this, I really don’t get this,” I said. “I’m not going to hold you hostage, though. If this is what you want, this is what you want.” I stood up and Naomi did too. Her lips were pressed together and she walked to the counter to take her bag. I walked her to the front door without a word. She put her hand on the doorknob before I could and I was catapulted into the memory of my ex leaving.
“When did it end for you?” I asked. Melissa paused with one hand on the door knob. I could see the silhouette of her lover on the other side of the frosted glass.
“Honestly, Josh…a long, long time ago,” she said. She turned around, her blonde curls bounced around her shoulders as if happy and relieved to be rid of me.
“What if you’re leaving too soon? What if you’re leaving and there’s a chance we can make things work?” I asked. It was an impulsive question. I only half meant it.
“Josh, it’s done, it’s over.” Melissa opened the door and left. She didn’t open it wide enough for me to see him or make eye contact with him. I would’ve charged outside and punched him in the face if that had happened.
“Bye, Josh,” Naomi said, “see you in class.” She left then and closed the door behind her. I didn’t watch her go, I didn’t stay outside to make sure she pulled away safely. I just let her go. My chest and my gut felt as if it were filled with liquid cement. I trudged to the couch and laid down. I wanted to speak to Amy and some part of me thought it was a good idea, so I called her.
“What’s up big dumb idiot?” she answered.
My laugh was dry, “That hurts right now,” I said.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. I told her everything, the whole truth and it took about twenty minutes to get through. At the end of my story, she sighed deeply and was quiet for a while.
“Maybe she’s all turned around because of her parents’ divorce and the fact that you had one and can’t stop going through your ex-wife’s Facebook pictures,” Amy finally said. I was fully prepared for her to gloat, for her to say, “I told you so,” but she didn’t.
“I never thought about that,” I said. “You think she sees me as like…her dad or something?”
“Not exactly but divorce affects kids—be they young or adult—in different ways. Commitment is a big hot button issue for her right now,” Amy said. “I get it, she most likely and honestly can’t handle things with you right now,” she said. “Especially as weird as your relationship was,” she said.
“I…I didn’t know that her parents’ divorce got to her so much. She talked about not getting along with her family as a whole and not caring for them that much,” I said.
“Yeah but they’re the only family she has,” Amy said.
“Maybe I should just give her space until the semester is over…?” Amy sighed on the other end of the line and I heard the disapproval there.
“Honestly, Josh. If you feel that strongly for her, then yes. Otherwise…I’d advise against it,” she said. I looked down at my fingers and tried to imagine a reality in which I wouldn’t try to fix things with Naomi and my mind kept coming up blank.
“I’m gonna have to go against your advice here,” I said.
Amy laughed, “Of course you are,” she said.
