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After the burial, I returned home to a crowded house, filled with people. Many I knew, some were strangers who came to pay their respects. No open casket funeral for a man who had been shot to death. They offered words of condolences, quiet reassurances that they were there for me. I nodded and smiled politely, all the while feeling like an imposter in my own skin.
I retreated upstairs, wanting to escape the suffocating sorrow that filled the house.
I found Kieran and Liam sharing a joint in the master bedroom.
I sighed, closing the door behind me. “I hate them so much,” I said.
Kieran looked up at me, a half-smile on his lips. “The mourners or our father?”
“All of them,” I replied, sinking onto the bed, rubbing my temples. “It’s like they’re all waiting for me to break.”
“They’d be waiting a long time then,” Liam joked lightly, passing the joint over to me. “Dad will be waiting forever.”
Kieran laughed.
“Sad, isn’t it?” Kieran added, his tone a mixture of dark humor and bitterness. “All these people, treating him like a saint now that he’s dead.”
I took the joint from Liam and took a long drag, letting the smoke fill my lungs before releasing it in a slow exhale. “You’d think he’d cured cancer or something,” I said, passing it back. We mulled that over for a few seconds.
“We’re going to have to take over, aren’t we?” Liam broke the silence with his question.
“I’m going to have to take over. You only have to, I don’t know, keep wearing a condom.”
Liam snorted a laugh that was quickly followed by Kieran, their laughter echoing against the ancient walls of our old man’s room. It felt good, sharing that momentary relief from the grief tightening around us.
“I can’t promise you that,” Liam replied, puffing on the joint and handing it to Kieran.
“Make it a priority,” Kieran said, his eyes meeting mine as he took a drag.
“I will. Don’t worry.” Liam reassured, his gaze shifting between us, absorbing the seriousness of our faces. “I’ve been nothing but responsible lately. I haven’t seen the inside of a police station for weeks.”
“Baby steps,” Kieran said with a grin, clapping Liam on the shoulder.
“No, but seriously. I won’t make the mistakes you did,” Liam said.
I looked at Kieran. “You told him?”
“Dad told me,” Liam said. “Congrats, lad.”
“Thanks,” I said with a dry chuckle. “Let’s hope I don’t fuck it up.”
“You’ll do better than Dad,” Kieran said.
“Yeah, that’s not a tall order,” I replied. “I meant in a general sense.”
“I mean, you will,” Liam said. “It’s basically guaranteed. But you’ll learn from it and move on. That’s what counts.”
“That’s the spirit,” I said, clapping Liam on his back. There was a pause, the weight of our reality pressing down on us once again. “You’re wise beyond your years.”
“Nah, I’m just really high,” Liam said.
Kieran knocked the ash from the joint into a glass ashtray on the bedside table. “It’s what happens when you’re the youngest. You see all the mistakes made by your older brothers, and you learn from them.”
“I haven’t learnt shit from you, Kieran,” Liam said. Kieran laughed.
When they stopped laughing, I looked at both of them. “I’m going to ask her to marry me,” I said. “Properly, this time.”
Kieran tilted his head, his eyes narrowing. “Does she even like you? No offense.”
