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“I missed y’all too.”
Dawn waves us back to our seats and glances around at the diner. The other patrons start to chatter, and the noise level returns to what it was when we walked in.
“You want your normal?” Dawn asks, her pen poised over her pad.
“Can we just get some water and a second to look over the menu?”
“What do you need to look over the menu for? It hasn’t changed since you were in diapers.”
I cut a glance to Jem. “Oh, you’re right. Sure thing. Take all the time you need.” Dawn tucks the pad in her apron and walks away.
“Sorry about that,” I say to Jem.
She picks up her menu. “It’s okay. I figured you’re probably like the prodigal son returning home, which means it’s not the last time something like that is going to happen.”
There’s a furrow between her brows and I can guess what she’s thinking, but I agreed not to bring up the heavy stuff until we’re back in Felt, so I busy myself with looking over the menu that I know like the back of my hand.
“My brothers and I used to come in for breakfast every Saturday. Regardless of hangover or sleep deprivation, we’d all pile into chairs at a table and have breakfast together.”
I don’t know why I share the memory with Jem, but I do. I can’t talk to her about what moving home is going to mean for us, but I want her to know what the town means to me. That our little walk this morning was easier because of her. That being in this diner is easier, that I can breathe, because she’s here with me.
“It feels good, doesn’t it?” she asks vaguely, but I know what she means.
“Yeah. Feels pretty good to be home.”
“No bad memories?”
“No.” And I mean that. “They’re there, but in the background if that makes sense. It’s easier, which I think I have you to thank for.”
“Hmm,” she says.
“What? You don’t believe me?”
She shrugs, her eyes dropping to the menu. Dawn delivers our waters and asks if we know what we want.
I order the country fried steak and eggs and Jem gets a stack of pancakes.
Once Dawn is gone, I ask, “Well?”
“I believe you. That it’s easier. But I don’t think that it’s all me. I think that maybe having me here is enough of a distraction that it’s easier for you to process, but maybe you’ve been gone long enough that instead of Everette reminding you of what you lost, it reminds you that it’s just home,” she says quietly.
She’s probably not wrong. I didn’t have a lot of great memories around the time that Mom died. And coming home for the holidays right after her passing just reminded me of what our family lost. I didn’t come back much after that. I can’t help but wonder if that’s my fault. If I let the bad moments take away from home. If I would have tried again if it would have been different. But like last night in the barn, I can’t regret all of my time away. It took me this long to really discover the stunning woman sitting in front of me, despite us living in the same town and having the same friends. What would have happened if I’d moved home sooner?
I would have missed out on her, on us. And I can’t regret her being here—being with me—no matter how much I’m coming to see that staying gone might have been a mistake.
* * *
Muscle memory and nostalgia are my only companions as I make my way out to Dad’s station later that afternoon. The same country roads I bumped over in the first car I owned, the same trees lining the way. Even the potholes feel like they’re the exact same as I make my way out to my dad’s work.
Jem wanted to stay behind and explore town a little more, and I honestly could use the thinking time that the drive out here gave me.
The big conversation that has to happen has me nervous. I’m hopeful that even with my decision to move home, to help out my dad, that she and I can continue our relationship.
It’ll be hard. We’ll both have to commit to making the trip to each other’s town as much as possible when we can and shore up the rest of our relationship over FaceTime and texting.
That is assuming that she agrees. But Jem’s reasonable. She wouldn’t expect me to turn my back on Dad, and I don’t think that she would outright end us just because I live a couple of hours away.
After helping Dad get the station back on its feet, we can revisit me moving back to Felt.
