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My heart was beating a little faster at the topic of conversation. He had clearly been fishing to find out my age. Was I too young for him?
I’d never imagined dating an older guy, but suddenly, it was all I could think about. Not just dating him. Kissing him and touching him and having him touch me.
Maybe an older man was the perfect person to lose my virginity to. He’d know what he was doing. He could show me things—if, that was, he was even interested in me once he learned I’d never had sex before.
“I’m focusing on my career right now,” I blurted before my mind could drift any further.
Who was I trying to convince? Certainly not him. He hadn’t even indicated he was thinking about me romantically. Or sexually. Or in any way but as a woman from work.
But he had to feel this…whatever it was between us. That couldn’t just be me, right?
“You’re young,” he said. “Plenty of time to settle down and start a family, if that’s what you want someday.”
“What about you?” I asked.
In the seconds that followed, I second guessed getting so personal. I was interested in finding out if he was single, but it wasn’t like I was thinking long-term with this guy. I wouldn’t want to give that impression.
No, it was an honest question. And he appeared to be thinking it through. There was a story behind the way his eyes glazed over. His expression hardened too, like he was shutting himself off from me. From the world.
“I wish I could say I’m focusing on my career,” he said. “I’m just not the relationship type. At one time, I thought I’d want kids, but that would involve committing to a woman, and that just isn’t me.”
His words felt like a punch to the gut, and they shouldn’t have. He was my boss’s contractor. As I told him when we left for lunch, we needed to keep things professional. What better way to keep us in line than to be aware of the fact that he was a playboy type? He probably slept around with whatever single women he could find in the surrounding area.
“No commitments.” I nodded. “So, you…date around?”
I was getting way too personal. He’d have every right to tell me to mind my own business.
He uncapped his bottled water and took a swig, pausing as though thinking through how to answer. Or whether to answer at all.
“I’m celibate,” he said.
I nearly choked on the swallow of water I’d just taken. This guy seated on the floor in front of me wasn’t having sex?
“By choice?” I asked.
He laughed. “I guess you could say that. I had a nasty breakup a few months ago. We’d only been dating a couple of months, and I use the term dating lightly. I’d made it clear I’m not into anything serious, but she was sure she could change me. She started pressuring me to define the relationship, and when I finally broke it off, she accused me of using her for sex. Apparently, she only has sex with men she plans to marry someday.
I chewed my lip. I wasn’t all that different from this ex of his. If I had sex with someone, I’d probably find it hard to avoid getting serious.
Or maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, I could have a one-night stand with the hottest guy I’d ever seen and walk away with good memories. It would be an experience that would help me when I did meet the man of my dreams.
“Guys don’t want to know that about a woman?” I asked. “That she only wants to have sex with a man she plans to marry?”
He chewed thoughtfully for a long moment before wiping his hands on his now-empty napkin, opening the pizza box, and pulling out another slice. Even then, he took another bite, chewed, and swallowed before he spoke.
“I can’t speak for all men, but I’d say if it was the right woman, a man would be fine with that.”
“And your ex wasn’t the right woman?” I asked.
“I wasn’t looking for the right woman.” He shrugged. “She was hot. Had a great personality. We got along. I figured we’d see where it went. But yes, she was not someone I could see marrying someday.”
So, even he recognized he could see himself marrying someone someday. It wasn’t completely out of the realm of possibilities. I didn’t point that out, though. Just kind of locked it away in my brain for later.
And that was why I couldn’t have a one-night stand with a guy. I was already looking for possibilities that he could be up for something serious, and I didn’t even want anything serious right now, did I?
The more I thought about it, the more I doubted myself.
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