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Elias laughed, shaking his head. "Nope. I'm fine, thank you."
Jem left, and he took a seat on the couch. It was a dark navy color and soft to the touch. He couldn't stop petting it to calm his nerves. Meanwhile, Elias surveyed the assortment of books and magazines that were scattered across the low coffee table. Some were medical journals, others were classic Hamton gossip mags full of dirt on families like Andres or Compton. The books were more interesting. Self-help for alphas courting omegas, the art of relationships, and more. Elias found it charming and smiled.
"Look who arrived on time."
His shoulders jumped at the sudden voice, and he whipped around to see Levi padding across the room. The alpha's outfit boosted his self-confidence. Dark gray sweatpants and a red tee that brought out the intense twilight of Levi's gaze. Elias couldn't stand how breathtaking it was.
"Hi."
Levi took a seat beside him, propping his elbows on his knees and letting his hands hang casually in between. I know you said no refreshments, but Jem made some tea. If nothing else, I'll have a cup with honey to calm my nerves."
Elias raised a brow. "Calm your nerves? You're not the one in an unfamiliar place."
"Yeah, but we're on this new journey together and I really don't wanna mess it up. So I thought we could start slow with a tour that ends in my den. We don't have to use it today. I only want to introduce you to my preferences for future reference."
Elias ducked his head, staring at his twisting fingers. "Alright, but before that, can we talk?"
"Of course. What's on your mind?"
Elias scrounged up the courage to speak, breathing in for four counts, holding it for four, then letting it out for four, and so on and so forth. It was one of his therapists' recommendations for calming anxiety. He had no clue if it would actually help him out right now.
Regardless of what he said beforehand, the alpha would still notice his scars if they slept together. It made talking about them appear pointless, however; he didn't want to witness a flinch of surprise or flicker of disgust. Elias knew what it would do to his mental.
"I told you about my past," he said, turning his face away. "They left marks on me. Some light, others… They'll never heal or get easier to look at and I—"
"Let me stop you there," Levi said, silencing him with a command. Elias didn't fight it, bowing his head in submission. Levi didn't let him. He gently lifted his chin and flashed a sincere smile. "Every scar you bear is a sign of resilience, of real, true survival. No one thinks less of a soldier who returns home from the battlefield covered in blood and wounds. They applaud him for the strength it took to get there."
Elias settled into his seat, Levi's touch fading as he stared in disbelief at the alpha, suppressing the urge to burst into manic laughter. He didn't consider himself a soldier in any sense of the word. The act of listening to Levi attempt to romanticize his self-inflicted suffering made him sick.
"Who throws his lover on a grenade and calls himself the hero? Because that's what I did. I had a deep understanding of my condition even before meeting those who hurt me, and I shoulder the responsibility."
Levi's gaze grew stormy, his mouth thinning. "You weren't looking for pain. You were hoping for someone to eclipse it."
Elias actually did laugh this time. "You love adding a poetic touch, don't you? I'm not a saint who placed trust in them and was betrayed. I grew accustomed to the pain, to desire it. I don't need to hear if it was good or bad, 'cause it was both, and honestly, it's up to me to judge, you know?"
"I understand that, but your trauma might be skewing your idea of the events. I talked to Ian and he said you don't face it, or haven't yet. That's why you're so hesitant about letting us in. We only want to help—"
"Let me stop you there," Elias snipped, agitation rising. "I don't need you to tell me the story of my miserable life and how you can save me from it. Did it ever occur to you I'm fine? I'm more than capable of taking care of myself."
"That doesn't mean you have to."
Elias' pheromones swelled with a sour tint as he stood up, unzipping his pants to push them down. He had to make him understand the gravity of the situation. Levi made a noise of distress, eyes snapping to the doorway as if worried someone else might see. Elias' skin pulled taut against his bones and breath quickened. He wanted to shove his underwear aside to, but settled for dragging the boxers up to expose his thighs.
The scars weren't exactly in the shape of teeth, not since he got the skin grafts. Because they were on his inner thighs where friction was unavoidable, they healed as raised, rough skin that was a slightly darker shade than the rest.
He didn't want Levi to touch them; he didn't want anyone to touch them, and he thought of tearing at his skin just to get some kind of relief. The truth bubbled up in his throat like vomit.
"The scars he gave me are a constant reminder of the pain I had to endure until I had no other option but to end his life. Was it noble? Fuck no. It was horrific. Did I save myself? Yes. Should I have? I still don't know."
Elias reluctantly looked at his alpha, who had a carefully blank expression, but his eyes betrayed the truth. They shined with sympathy. He got lightheaded and took a step back, scrambling to pull his pants back up. Out of nowhere, a strong sense of deep shame engulfed him for baring himself in the middle of the living room.
The heat in his cheeks was so bad that Elias brought his palms up to cool them, looking anywhere but at Levi. He knew these types of mood swings were a major drawback of how much medication he took, but damn, he went from annoyed to off the rails in a split second!
In his defense, Elias never thought he'd end up in this situation. How was he supposed to explain himself? What was happening? Had he ruined this by revealing the elephant in the room? Levi already knew Elias was peculiar. That wasn't a secret, and he once hinted at his past.
"I didn't know you felt that way about your own life."
The words hit Elias like a blow. He flinched back. "I'm not sure what you mean."
