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“I’ve been happy,” I said defensively.
“Really? Could have fooled me. Every time I’ve spoken to you over the last few years, it’s been nothing but complaints. Complaining about the job, about Jim, about every single solitary thing going on in your life. Until recently, that is. I know he is the only difference in your life. So, my dear, do yourself a favor, give yourself a break, and allow yourself to be happy, truly happy.”
I blinked away my tears and looked over at my mom, who looked down at the wreath on top of the gravestone. Then I looked at the name written on the headstone, and a wave of guilt fell over me.
“Mom.” I choked, a heavy feeling coming over me.
“Why my dear?”
“How can I be happy when my brother is dead? You do not know how much guilt I carry from that night." I buried my face in my hands and fought back the sobs I felt coming on.
“Honey, it’s time to let it go. Your brother wouldn’t want you to live your life this way. He’d want you to be happy. You need to honor his memory by living your life, not by racking yourself with guilt over his death.”
“But, Mom, it’s all my fault.”
My mom became blurry as my eyes welled with tears, which I quickly wiped away.
“Bailey, we’ve talked about this many times, and I will not tell you anything you haven’t already heard. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were out with the girls.”
“I know, but that night we ran into them outside of the bars. They were supposed to be doing security checks. They were almost finished, and Cara and I asked Jackson and Ryan to stay and hang with us for a few minutes.”
“And you think this is your fault? How?”
“Connor wouldn’t stay. He said he’d go finish doing the security checks and come back.”
“So, you think because Ryan and Jackson stayed with you girls, that was the reason he died?”
I nodded, tears streaming down my face.
“If they had been with him, he wouldn’t have needed to radio for backup when he came across the door that was open. There would have been three of them there when the guy came running out of the building.” I could barely understand my own words as sobs wracked my body.
I felt Mom’s arms around me as she pulled me into her. “You need to let that all go, baby girl. Just let it all go,” she whispered as she rubbed my back. “None of this was anyone’s fault.”
“You’re wrong.”
Mom let me go and placed her hands on my upper arms. “Bailey, listen to me and listen well. I could go on blaming all kinds of people for what happened that night. I could blame Ryan, Jackson, or even Dave Specter for putting the three of them on that duty. It’s not going to get me anywhere, and it’s not going to bring Connor back here. Just like you are blaming yourself, but that isn’t going to bring him back, and it’s not going to solve anything. It’s only going to bring you a long life of misery. It’s no way for anyone to live.”
I hugged my mom tight, and as her words sunk in, soon the tears stopped, but the heaviness in my chest remained.
“Bailey, I never told you this, but your brother was so happy that you were with Jackson. I remember the day he’d found out you were engaged. He played it up like he was upset, and that his best friend stole his sister, but after you went to bed that night, he confided in me. He was so proud of you for accepting his proposal. He told me that out of all the guys you dated, Jackson was the only one he didn’t want to beat up.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I whispered.
Mom stepped back. “Because I think you need to hear it. I also think it’s time I leave the two of you alone,” she said, pushing the strands of hair from my eyes. “So, you can sort some things out.”
“Who, me and Connor?” I questioned.
“No.” She smiled. “You and Jackson.” She nodded behind me.
I turned, surprised to see Jackson standing a little way up the hill behind me, watching us, then turned back to face my mother.
“Bailey, be nice. It’s Christmas. Give the guy a break.” She winked, leaning in and placing a kiss on my cheek.
My mom picked up the fall wreath and patted me on the shoulder as she walked by me and over to him. They exchanged some words, and then he leaned in and kissed her cheek. We both watched her as she went and sat over on a bench in the middle of the cemetery. Jackson turned and slowly made his way over to me.
“How did you get here?” I asked, worried that he might have gotten behind the wheel of his truck when I knew he had been told he shouldn’t be driving.
“Ryan brought me.”
