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“That I am.”
Wrapping my arms around them both, I knelt, looking at them. "Boys, it’s time for bed. Now, why don't you go up and brush your teeth and crawl into bed? You can each read for one hour, then I'll come in and tuck you both in."
"Okay." Both boys wrapped their arms around my neck and hugged me, then they waved to Zach and made their way upstairs.
I made our coffee and then sat down at the table with Zach and wrapped my hands around my mug.
"Are you going to tell me why you had the change of heart?"
"Promise you won't be angry."
"Why would I be angry?"
I looked around the kitchen, my leg bouncing up and down from nerves. "I um, I was unpacking some things earlier and came across my wedding album. It stirred up a lot of memories, and well, made me have second thoughts about all of this."
Zach nodded in understanding. "That would do it, I suppose. Why didn't you just tell me that? Tell me how you were feeling instead of flat out cancelling?"
I took a sip before answering. "It was easier than trying to explain. Plus, I thought you wouldn't understand, you know?"
“Try me. Give me a chance to understand.”
“Okay, well…” I got up from the table and paced back and forth across the kitchen floor, ringing my hands together.
“Take your time. I’m listening.”
I glanced over to the bottom of the stairs to make sure the boys weren’t there. Then I turned to Zach.
“Something happened this week, inside of me, that I am having trouble with.”
“Okay, like something physical?”
“No, more um, more mental and emotional.”
Zach said nothing. Instead, he picked up his mug, took a drink, and waited for me to continue.
“Tonight, when I looked at that album, looked at those pictures, I panicked. I realized I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be held by Lucas anymore. I was staring at a picture of us on our wedding day, his arms wrapped around me, and it was like I was looking at another couple. I couldn’t hear his voice in my head or remember what he smelled like. I can barely remember how it felt like to be kissed by him. Then the boys, they were asking me questions, and I made up all the answers because I didn’t have a clear enough view of that day to remember the things.” I could feel the tears starting, and before I could fight them off, they were streaming down my cheeks.
I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. Moments later, I felt Zach wrap his arms around me, and I turned and buried my face in his chest.
“I’m not going to stand here and tell you I understand because I don’t, but know that I’ve got you,” he whispered, pulling me in tight, comforting me.
“That’s the problem,” I muttered.
“What is?”
“You’ve got me. While I was trying to remember all those things, all I could remember was you. Your touch, your kiss, your scent. Not only did it make me feel as if I lost him all over again, but I’m afraid of the feelings I have for you already. It’s the first time I’ve felt alive since before Lucas died. It’s almost like it’s too much emotion.”
“I get that. I feel it too, and if I am being honest, it scares me too. Needing to learn how to trust someone again isn’t easy, just like it’s difficult to allow yourself to become invested in someone else after such a tragic loss without being afraid that something bad will happen,” Zach soothed.
I cried into his chest again as he held me. He understood exactly how I was feeling, which scared me even more than the rest of it. He was so understanding and patient, exactly what I’d hoped he’d be, because that was exactly what I’d needed. I wiped my cheeks and pulled away from his embrace.
“Wow, never did I think of telling you all that. I didn’t think you’d be open to listening to this.” I sniffled.
"Listening is who I am. Part of any relationship is good communication, and if we are ever going to have any type of relationship, friendship or otherwise, communication is where it is at. I never want you to feel you can't be honest with me. That was how the problems started in my marriage. I never realized that she wasn’t happy. Hell, I didn’t realize I wasn’t happy until Grace was already born, and Valerie was sleeping with our neighbor.
“I try now to look at both sides and give an answer. It may not be the answer either of us wants to hear, but at least it’s an answer and doesn't leave me or you wondering if we have done something."
I thought about what he'd said and nodded. I'd gone about it wrong, and now that I sat across from him, looking him in the eyes, I knew it. The hurt was there because I'd reacted purely to the emotions I was feeling at the moment.
