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Ryder walked over to him and gently placed his hands on his shoulders. "I need you to look at me, Eli."
The gesture, steeped in concern, broke something loose inside of him. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes, and he swallowed hard.
"Eli, look at me."
"No," he choked out. "Get the fuck out of here."
"That's not going to happen," Ryder said patiently. "We're not going anywhere, and you need to understand that. We're going to help you, buddy."
He stumbled backward, jerking away from Ryder. "Stop it. You can't help me! No one can fucking help me!"
The panic and anxiety he'd been battling for weeks reached up and swallowed him whole, and this time there was no escape.
His chest grew tight, and he struggled to breathe as his heart began to pound. Feeling suddenly woozy, he sucked in gulps of air before falling to his knees on the kitchen floor.
"Eli!" Brandon yelled. He yanked his phone from his pocket. "That's it. I'm calling 911."
"No." Ryder held up a hand as Shaw raced over to join him at Eli's side. "He's going to be okay. He's having a panic attack."
Shaking uncontrollably, he leaned his head against his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the strange, spinning sensation that overtook him. But it was no use. His stomach pitched violently, and he vomited on the floor, over and over again until there was nothing left.
Hot tears streamed down his face as he fought through the dry heaves, clutching his head in his hands.
"Easy," Ryder said softly. "Easy now. It's okay. You're going to be okay."
His friends helped him sit up, and he collapsed back against the fridge.
Brandon handed him a bottle of water. "Sip, don't gulp."
He tried to remember what Holly had told him all those weeks ago, when this had happened the first time. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to slow his breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
A few minutes passed before he opened his eyes to see his friends hovering over him like three worried mothers.
"Are you ready to talk?" Ryder asked. "Because if you aren't, I think there's more of that waiting around the bend."
"What can I say?" Eli shook his head. "It's everything. My mom. My dad, finding out I had sisters, me and Holly. And now, now that she's...”
"Pregnant," Brandon finished.
"Yeah." He dragged the back of his hand across his mouth. "I just feel like total shit. I've got to put my mom in a facility any day now, and I can't stand the thought of it. This whole thing with me and my father, it's just totally fucked up. I'm trying to approach it logically, but I'm so fucking pissed off. " He shook his head. "Me and Holly are in a bad place, and we wouldn't be, but now that she's..."
"Pregnant," Ryder said, nodding. "You're struggling big time with that. You can't even say the word, bud."
"No, I can't say it. I don't even want to think about it." He covered his face with his hands. "Guys, I can't do this. I can't be a father. I just fucking can't." He leaned his head back against the fridge, then waved a hand. "Saying that out loud makes me feel like a horrible person. Maybe Iama horrible person."
He felt the panic and anxiety building back up again, and he balled his hands into fists. "And because I can't handle it, I'm going to lose the only woman I've ever loved. I'm going to lose everything.”
Eli ran a hand through his hair. "I figured if I had Holly, I thought I could get through all this stuff I'm dealing with, you know? But now that's gone. Because I can't get my shit together. Because I can't handle the idea of being a dad."
Ryder sat down on the floor and let out a heavy sigh. "I'm not going to give you any advice, but I am going to say something. I hear you saying that you can't be a father. But this shit all sounds tied together. Like a bowling ball-sized mess of Christmas lights you have to untangle." Ryder shrugged. "I'm not sure that what you're feeling is truly, ‘I can't be a father.’ I think it's a lot of things that are making you feel like ‘can't’ is the number one word in your vocabulary." Ryder gestured at the kitchen. "You're overwhelmed. Majorly overwhelmed. Anyone would be. But it looks like you're sliding right down into full-blown depression. You're going to have to talk to someone about all of this before it takes you down."
"I'm fucking terrified," he choked out, glancing down at the floor. "The idea of raising a human being? Me? I never had a real father to show me how to do anything. My stepfather was an asshole, and my real dad wasn't in my life. Kids don't come with a handbook. I don't knowhowto be a father."
"Yeah, but that's just it," Brandon pointed out. "Even if you think you're prepared, you're not. I've got two kids, and if you think I know what I'm doing, you're sadly mistaken."
"But you had a good role model," Eli argued. "Your dad is a fantastic guy."
