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He was quiet for a moment before speaking again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in person. Things have just been really hectic the last few days.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, realizing he was doing me a favor. “It’s easier this way.”
“Thanks for—”
I hung up and turned around, taking deep breaths as I braced myself against the bathroom counter. Who does that? Who fucking does that? I lifted my face and looked in the mirror, saddened by how pretty I looked with my full makeup in my new party dress. He didn’t deserve me. The kind of guy that could do what he just did could never deserve me.
So why did I feel like shit?
If ever there were a time I wanted to feel too capable, it was now. If ever there were a time I wanted to feel like I could handle myself, it was now.
But I didn’t feel capable at all. I felt like stuffing my purse with cupcakes and going home to scour the internet for cats that needed adopting while I burned picture after picture of the golf courses I didn’t want to see before I died. Asshole. I couldn’t even return those chess lessons.
I straightened up and breathed for God knows how long, my focus on the red “O” of my lips as I tried to avoid having a panic attack. But it wasn’t long before I realized I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to spoil my younger siblings’ evening by playing the part of the sad, dumped older sister who was too capable to be loveable. Whatever the hell that meant.
I rolled my shoulders back and strode down the hallway, finding Quinn and Maddy in the kitchen where I’d left them. “Bad news,” I said. “I have to go.”
“What?” Maddy asked, her surprise knocking her back. “But you just got here.”
I glanced at Quinn but avoided meeting his gaze, too worried he’d see through the lie I was about to tell. “It seems Trivial Pursuit’s gotten out of hand, and Kurt needs backup to save face.”
“Will you guys come back after?” Maddy asked.
Did she really believe that fib? Not even a follow-up question? Was I that convincing of an actress or was it actually plausible that I would ring in the new year competing for plastic cheese wedges? Christ. Maybe I did need to get out more.
“The night’s still young,” she added hopefully, glancing at the clock over the kitchen doorway.
“Trivial Pursuit can’t be hurried,” Quinn said, like he knew I was full of shit. “Take a cupcake in case you don’t make it back.”
I don’t know how he knew I was lying, but every cell of my being knew I’d only fooled Maddy.
“Take two,” my sister added. “I bet Kurt takes one bite of that thing and insists you return immediately.”
“Two it is,” I said, sliding two cupcakes from the bottom tier before spacing the rest out so no one would notice they’d gone missing.
“I’ll come downstairs and help you get a cab,” Quinn said.
“No need,” I lied. “Already called an Uber.”
“James is going to be pissed,” Maddy said, hugging me carefully so as not to crush my cupcakes.
“Thank Alicia for me?” I asked, my eyes bouncing between them.
Quinn nodded. “Of course.”
I left in a hurry then, making my way out to the frost-covered sidewalk and turning towards the lake. It would’ve been easier to call a ride from Alicia’s building, but I was reticent to linger outside when James and Brie could arrive any minute. Plus, I had two enormous cupcakes I had to eat before I could do anything else.
Okay, so I didn’t have to eat both. I only needed to free one hand to get to my phone. But I was hungry, and I’d shown regrettable restraint around Alicia’s inspired charcuterie boards. So I finished them quickly and put my gloves on to fortify myself against the biting winter air. And even though I knew I should go home because I felt fragile and lonely and lost, it seemed a sadder prospect than staying out.
So I went in the first bar I came to, relieved when I felt the stifling heat of too many bodies and heard the sound of live music filling the air. And without overthinking it, I shoved my way to the short end of the long bar, hoisted myself onto a barstool, and ordered a Scotch.
Not because I particularly liked Scotch, but because I knew it would burn going down, and I was desperate to feel something besides the unbearable weight of rejection.
