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T H I R T Y S E V E N
- Maeve -
I checked the volume on my phone again to make sure I’d hear if someone called, and by someone, I mean Finn. I tried to call him after Maddy and I had dinner—as promised—and I was a little worried that he hadn’t at least texted back.
Then again, it was a Friday night. He could’ve been playing at the bar or helping Brian behind it. Or maybe an enchanting woman who hadn’t forced him to study sperm donor profiles had appeared in my absence, and he’d forgotten all about me.
Okay, so I wasn’t that worried about the latter, but the fact that thinking of him with another woman made me jealous was a problem. He was no more mine than Otis was, and I wasn’t jealous when Otis sniffed another dog at the park because I understood that we wanted different things. Just like Finn and I did.
So maybe a night off was for the best.
Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what he was up to as I perused Amazon for nursery decorating ideas. Part of me wanted to go with a safari theme because I had a weakness for giraffes, but I also thought blue was soothing, so my ever-growing wish list was slowly being taken over by dolphins.
Unfortunately, the shopping was doing little to distract me from my anxiety, which was higher than ever after my conversation with Maddy. The counselor warned me against getting overwhelmed, but my mind seemed determined to solve all the problems I didn’t even have yet.
But paint colors didn’t matter now. Baby names didn’t matter now. Where I’d get the kid baptized was irrelevant. All I really had to do was pick between Donor Daniel and Donor Dartmouth.
I slouched against the couch cushions and rechecked my email to see if I’d received the donor photos I requested, but it was in vain. I did have an email from my mom, though, which included a link to a swaddling sack she bought. It looked more useful than the unsightly teething jewelry she ordered last week, but I wished she’d hold off on hitting the buy button until I had a confirmed pregnancy.
It’s not like I genuinely believed she could jinx my chances, but I felt like I was putting myself under enough pressure without her reminding me how keen she was to be a “hot grandma.” So much for thinking vanity was something I might eventually outgrow. Still, I appreciated the show of support. There was no way I could go through with this if she didn’t have my back.
I remember how stressed my friend Dana was about having her first little girl without her mom around. Granted, she has a great relationship with her mother-in-law, but she mentioned to me more than once that she wished her own mom had been alive to talk nipple chafing and adult diapers.
Yet as candid as she’d been with me about the unexpected mess of it all, I could tell by the glow in her voice when she talked about her daughters that she’d do it all again in a heartbeat. And I knew it would be the same for me. And my mom would help me through the stuff I didn’t see coming. And so would Dana and Maddy and James and… I knew better than to put Finn on that list.
He’d already gotten more than he bargained for with our friendship, and I’d never be able to thank him properly. From his objective help narrowing down the donors to how effortless he made getting over Kurt, he couldn’t have come into my life at a better time.
He was living proof that everything happens for a reason. Or maybe he was simply proof that nothing can cheer a girl up like the attention of a handsome man. Either way, thanks to him, I’d managed to pick myself up, let my hair down, and start looking forward to things instead of dwelling on my past mistakes.
Obviously, I couldn’t make too big a fuss about how grateful I was to have met him since it would only freak him out. But part of me wondered whether I’d even be ready to get pregnant if it weren’t for the boost in confidence his affection had inspired in me.
Too bad I was clearly more attached to him than I ever intended to get. Perhaps the first weaning I should worry about was weaning myself off him. For both our sakes. After all, I didn’t want to spoil the nice memories we’d made by letting him witness my decline into a hormonal, maternity pants-wearing state. Not that he’d be dying to hang out once I was all belly and baby brain.
My phone plinked on the coffee table, and I reached for it, careful not to accidentally one-click the box set of baby Mozart CDs I’d been looking at.
You coming to the Groundhog Day party?
I stared at the text from James, wishing it was an invite from Finn suggesting something decidedly sexier than shadow puppet contests…or whatever the hell James and Brie were planning.
I’m going to tell a bunch of stories you’ve already heard and pretend to be afraid of my shadow all night.
I rolled my eyes.
Just kidding. You should come. Otherwise it won’t be as hilarious when I invite you again next year.
As lame as I thought the theme was, it would be the perfect occasion to admit I’d soon have my own little shadow. “Sure,” I texted, deciding next weekend was as good a deadline as any for picking a baby daddy. “I’ll be there.”
