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T H I R T Y S I X
- Quinn -
I was ruminating on the lousy day I had as I approached my apartment, my fists clenched around my keys as I replayed the meeting in my mind. It wasn’t like me to get so invested in my work, and on some level, I suspected Maddy was to blame.
Her company was making me soft, making me care, and as much as I didn’t like that feeling in my personal life, having it follow me to work was unacceptable. So what if no one agreed that the junior from Rockford deserved more of our attention. I didn’t know shit about him except that he was an above average three-point shooter and that he was adopted. I hadn’t even met the kid. So why did I go to bat for him like that?
Sure, if it were my business, I’d invest more resources in following up with him, but it wasn’t mine. It was my dad’s. And I’d seen how tough it was for him to build it, and I didn’t want that stress. What I wanted was to be grateful for my job security and stop giving a shit about who we represented. Unfortunately, that was hard to do when my last name was on every pen, business card, and water bottle in the building.
Fuck it. How dare I be restless when I had it so good? What kind of entitled brat was I? And since when? Since I made the mistake of talking to Maddy about my feelings? Since I started questioning whether I was getting everything I wanted out of my life and relationships? This stress wasn’t worth it. I needed to get back to the old me, the me who cared less. The selfish me that James had alluded to on the phone. Because that guy was steel, and he never let outer bullshit interfere with his inner calm.
I was hatching a plan to spend the evening in the gym when the smell of fresh pizza found my nose. I hoped it wasn’t coming from my place, but the intoxicating scent intensified as I got closer to the door. When I turned the key in the lock and pushed it open, I realized pizza wasn’t the only surprise awaiting me.
Maddy was sitting at the set table with a bunch of the balloons tied to the back of her chair, and there was a row of lit tealights next to the pizza box in front of her. She smiled at me, and I could see the dancing flames from the candles reflected in her big, happy eyes.
“Happy Friday,” she sang, sitting up straighter and gesturing across the table. “I saved you a seat.”
I swallowed. It was far from our first pizza night, but we’d never broken out candles or decorations before, and the scene made my skin feel tight.
“You okay?” she asked, scooting her chair back.
“Yeah,” I lied, realizing the shock hadn’t cleared from my face. “Great. Just give me a second to change.” I strode across the room, reaching my door in three steps, and ignored the way she leaned her chin up for a kiss as I passed. Shit, I thought as I changed my clothes. A romantic pizza night in was the furthest thing from a brutal gym session that I could imagine, and I felt trapped and inconvenienced.
“Want a beer?” Maddy called through the door, inviting me to officially throw my plans out the window.
This is exactly why I don’t do relationships, I reminded myself. Because it’s only a matter of time before they start interfering with your life. “Sure,” I answered, feeling defeated for the second time that day.
She was setting my beer down on the table when I opened the door in some track pants and a plain white T-shirt. Before I could even take my seat, she draped her arms over my shoulders, looked up at me with eyes wide as saucers, and broke my fucking heart. She was so beautiful, so delicate, and I could see in her gaze how much she wanted me to adore her back with abandon. But I couldn’t do it. The pressure in my chest was heavy as an anvil.
Her expression reminded me of the way my mom looked at me the last few weeks of her life. Like I was the most wonderful, redeeming person she’d ever laid eyes on. Like her love for me might save her. I thought of how fiercely I tried to love her back, how hard I prayed for a miracle. But in the end, love wasn’t enough. It couldn’t save anyone, couldn’t fix anything. All it did was intensify the pain I felt when I lost her.
And under no circumstance could I go through that again.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like Maddy because I did. Every part of me liked her. But the way she was looking at me was too much. I didn’t want that pressure. I’d already failed once to save a woman who needed me, and it was the worst experience of my life. So even though there was nothing but warmth in her eyes, it made my stomach knot and my blood run cold.
“Thank you for what you did for me this week,” she said, her voice torturously soft and sweet.
“It was nothing,” I said. “Just thought a bit of spectacle might help get your name through your boss’s thick skull.”
“Well, it worked.” Her brown eyes searched mine. “Crecia called me by name today, and it felt so good to not feel invisible.”
Rage pooled in my temples at the idea that anyone would ever make her feel like that. “Good.”
“It meant a lot to me,” she said. “Though I’m embarrassed about the expense and effort it must’ve cost you.”
“Don’t be.” I dropped my face and kissed her on the forehead before unwrapping her arms from around my neck. “My assistant took care of most of it.”
“Oh.” Her face fell a little, and I almost regretted the lie. After all, I deserved all the credit for those gestures and hadn’t breathed a word of my scheming to anyone. How could I? Speaking her name in a professional setting would’ve proven that she’d crawled farther under my skin than I wanted to admit.
“Well,” Maddy continued once she’d hidden her obvious disappointment. “I got the pizza as a small thank you for your trouble. It’s from your favorite place.”
“I see that,” I said, taking a seat at the table. “Thanks.”
Her expression was twisted with confusion as she took a seat across from me, but I pretended not to notice.
“So, how was your day?” she asked as she dragged a hot slice from the box.
“Fine,” I said, tearing open a packet of chili flakes and sprinkling them over the slice closest to me. I could feel that I was being cold and distant, could sense that my attitude towards her had taken a nosedive, but I didn’t know how else to pump the breaks. I was desperate to make her see that I couldn’t be her everything, her hero, her man.
