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Even if part of me wanted that—even if part of me had been humoring the idea—I couldn’t be those things for her. Because I was selfish. Just as James had so rightly accused. And she deserved better. Could do better. And the sooner she realized that, the better.
“Is something wrong?” she asked, after chewing through the silence.
“No.”
“You seem like something’s on your mind.”
“Just had a hectic day at work,” I said, tearing into my pizza.
She chewed the inside of her cheek while she nodded, and I could practically feel her mentally knocking on my skull, begging to be let inside.
“Do you know what today is?” she asked, forcing a cheerful tone despite the palpable weight of my sulking.
I wracked my brain for something significant but came up short.
“It’s the anniversary of the day you took me clay pigeon shooting.”
I blinked at her.
“Four months,” she added. “Since our first outing.”
I scoffed.
Her brow furrowed. “What?”
“Not even Hallmark thinks that’s an occasion.”
Maddy’s eyes drooped at the corners, and I felt a pang in my guts so sharp I thought I might puke. Still, I took another bite of pizza and hoped my aloofness would make her remember why she used to hate me. So I wouldn’t have to push her away. So she would go on her own. Before I broke her heart.
Because I was better off alone. Knew how to be alone.
And I missed the freedom of not caring so much, the freedom of not feeling like it was only a matter of time before I disappointed someone. But if the look in Maddy’s eyes was anything to go by, now was about to be one of those times.
