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“Why are you sabotaging this?”
“I’m not sabotaging anything.”
“Yes, you are. Why can’t you just be happy you guys had a good time?”
“I want to. Really I do, but-”
“But what?”
“But everything’s different now.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is. We can never have what we had again.”
“Sure you can. Friends hook up all the time.”
“Not like this. It wasn’t a drunken, sloppy fuck, Fiona. It was intense. He even-” I inhaled sharply.
“He what?”
“He-” I nodded towards my crotch and hoped she would get the hint.
“Wow, really?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And now things can never be the same.”
“So what? Why would you want them to be? Did it occur to you that maybe things can be better than they were?”
“Not really. To be honest, I’m just freaking out because I feel so vulnerable now, like I’m still naked or something.”
“So?”
“So it’s scary.”
“What are you talking about?”
“All those times I liked him growing up I got hurt. Every. Single. Time. And he was oblivious. To this day I think he has no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep when he asked someone else to a dance or told me he thought some other girl was pretty.”
She nodded.
“And if he hurts me this time, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hide it. Cause I crossed a line. And even though I could always quiet my mind when it ached for him, now my body is aching for him, and I don’t know how to shut it up.”
She pursed her lips.
“Am I making sense or do you think I’m a lunatic?”
“Both.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not surprised. It sounds crazy even to me.”
“Yeah.”
“And I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
