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My mother headed to the kitchen to make us two cups of tea and then returned next to me, pulling me back in for a hug.
“What’s going on, Sasha? I haven’t seen you this upset in years.”
I sighed, “how did you trust again? After dad broke your trust, and then, you know, everything with Mark happened, how did you find a way to move forward with your life and find a way to trust people again?”
She sat quietly next to me, her eyes never leaving my body though I couldn’t bear to meet hers.
“It was not easy. Once trust is broken, it’s difficult if not impossible to regain. But desperation when your father was sent to prison caused me to make the mistake I made with Mark. With that said, I do not blame myself entirely. Abusers typically gravitate towards women in distress who are seeking safety. I’d been beating myself up for years with the mantra ‘why didn’t you just leave?’ however I learned in therapy that survivors of abuse, coercive control, and other sinister tactics stay because there is no safe place to go.
“Unfortunately, that was the case for us, and it caused me to miss many of the signs of control that Mark had in our lives. I’ve apologized before but I will for the rest of my life, I regret bringing him into our family and around you. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. I feel terribly that the men who were supposed to protect you as a child, hurt you. The example they’ve set for you is not an indication of all men.”
“I know that mom but for some reason, I seem to keep picking the wrong men.” I raked a hand through my wild curls. “I met a guy…”
“Oh? Tell me about him?”
“Well, there isn’t much to tell, anymore. Things burned out as quickly as they started. I’m just not sure what went wrong. He was kind, attentive, passionate and trustworthy. Or so I thought.”
“What did he do?”
“Nothing, that’s the problem. He didn’t cheat. Didn’t lie, or so he says. He just claims he isn’t good for me and that he doesn’t want to hurt me like everyone else in my life has so he broke things off.” I sighed, “the problem is by him pushing me away, he’s hurting me and causing me to question whether I can trust my own judgment of him. I know he’s a good guy, I just can’t seem to reconcile what went wrong to cause things to go from sweet to sour overnight.”
My mother sat quietly thinking again. “Sometimes, people push the ones they love away because they see themselves as unworthy of a good relationship. Often they think they are protecting the person they love by ending things. It isn’t our job to show them that isn’t true. They need to discover that on their own. We are all on our own path of self-discovery and healing. I hope whoever this man is realizes at the end of it, just what a good thing he had in you, Sasha.”
I sighed, “I do too.”
Chapter 32: Sasha
It had been four weeks since Ethan and I had spoken on the phone after my drunk night out with Natalie.
He’d texted me once last week, asking if I was ok and if he could see me but I’d suggested it best for us to keep our distance, wary of getting pulled in and hurt by him once again. After talking with my mom, I realized that Ethan was probably right. We both had some individual healing to do before we should be together. I stuck with my therapy sessions and kept my head down at work, focusing my days on teaching and nights on processing my past.
As fate would have it, Ryan and Ella had gotten engaged during those four weeks and set a shotgun wedding for the beginning of June. I knew Ethan would be at the wedding, and hesitated in joining at risk of seeing him with someone else however my British friend wouldn’t take no for an answer.
That brought me to today. It was noon, the Friday before the wedding, and I was greeted by London’s lively anticipation of the upcoming nuptials.
Niall, with his slicked-back black hair and sparkling green eyes, picked me up from the airport. He leaned in for a gentle kiss on my cheek, welcoming me.
“It’s great to see you again, Sasha.” he said, smiling as we drove through the bustling streets of London. “Did that American ever pull his head out of his ass and realize what a gem you are?” he asked with a wink.
I sighed. “We broke up. He’s Ryan’s best man, and we decided to travel separately to give each other some space.” Niall nodded, offering a reassuring smile. “He’ll come around, Sash, if that’s what you want.”
Changing the subject, I asked about Grace, Niall’s new girlfriend. Ella had shared that they’d met shortly after my visit to London and had become quite close. I was happy for Niall and the happiness he and his sister deserved.
As we pulled up to Ella’s flat where I’d be spending the weekend before the wedding, I turned to thank Niall for the ride.
Ella greeted me at the door with an excited hug. “Sasha! I’m so glad you are here! My first American friend and truly the reason I am getting married today.” We laughed, reminiscing about our first meeting and the infamous Irish pub where we'd first encountered Ryan and Ethan.
“Do you know if he’s touched down yet?” I asked Ella.
“Ryan said he arrived last night. They’re planning to grab drinks later with some friends and Niall. You could always join them?” she suggested, though I knew she hoped for a different choice.
Hugging her close, I reassured her, “What kind of friend would I be to ditch you the night before your wedding? We’re staying in, drinking wine, and watching romance movies before you become an old maid. Besides, Ethan and I aren’t exactly speaking.”
“Ryan said Ethan was pretty messed up after he’d received that letter from Jake, Sasha.” Ella responded. A week ago, I’d found out from Ella why Ethan had been at Beth’s the night he stood me up, the final piece of the puzzle clicking into place. It however didn’t lessen the pain of his breakup nor my hesitancy to see him. I was still in love with him, no matter how hard I tried to forget. And it simply felt too painful to see him tonight without knowing whether he still felt something for me, too.
“Ethan clearly adores you, Sash. He didn’t bring a date and Ryan reassured me, he hasn’t seen anyone since you broke up. He’s been processing some heavy stuff. Give him some time and space, and I think he’ll realize how much he needs you in his life.” I nodded, hoping her words held some truth.
The rest of the afternoon passed with manicures, blowouts, and finalizing honeymoon details. We sipped champagne and laughed like old friends as her bridesmaids arrived from around the country for the big day. As we settled in for the night, armed with Merlot and movies, my phone pinged with a text.
