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Marilyn said that she was, but the guilt was racked on her face. I told her that I was fine, and she didn’t have to worry about anything. I didn’t know what to think about it all, but it was clear that there was something going on. I put my hand out to her and she took mine, but I could feel it trembling.
“What’s wrong?” I wanted to know. Marilyn just shrugged and said that I could have died. She shouldn’t have driven; all this stuff was coming out of her. I tried to tell her that it was all good, I was fine, but Marilyn was shaking when I touched her. What the hell was going on? Why was Marilyn acting this way?
“What happened?” This reaction, the pull from me wasn’t normal. I couldn’t see what was going on through her head, but I could tell that it was something I didn’t understand.
“You, like, freaked out, Hal. You came out of surgery and freaked out from the anesthesia. It was scary. I don’t know where you thought you were, but you were convinced that you had to get out and you were going to take down anyone that got in your way. That’s why your legs are strapped down. They had to tackle you…” Her voice went in and out as our eyes looked to where she was talking about. I was strapped to the bed, not something that I had even noticed. Why was I strapped to the bed? Why did she look like she was afraid of me? That was why she was shaking, and it wasn’t a good shake either. I was sad to see it. I couldn’t believe that she was looking at me like I was a monster. It was my worst fear coming true, and it was as devastating as I thought it would be.
“What did I say?” I asked her, no longer trying to meet her gaze. If she was going to look at me in fear, I didn’t want to see it. I already hated myself for making her have a reason to look that way. There was nothing I could do about it.
She knew the name of the captors, what I had done to them when I was rescued, and I could only imagine what all happened. I could see the devastation in her eyes, which made me want to hide. I couldn’t believe that I had done this. I hadn’t been put under in a while and when I had, things came out. It wasn’t anything that I would have ever wanted Marilyn to see. Now she had and I knew she was never going to look at me the same again.
“Then, why are you still here?”
My voice changed and went down a few octaves. It wasn’t the normal voice that I would have when I was talking to her. I could tell, obviously, but there was nothing I could do about it. I asked the question in a tone that said I was done talking to her. I think in a way I was. I didn’t care what was going on with Marilyn. I didn’t care about any of it. I had lost her and her being there in front of me, trying not to run away in fear, was more than I would ever need to see.
“I am here because I care about you, Hal. What are you talking about?”
I scoffed and sat up, pushing the nurse button. “I don’t want to see you right now, Marilyn. I think it would be best if you left.”
I was hurting her more, I could see it on her face, but just like before when we were younger, I was doing this for her own good. This time though, instead of making sure she became who she was destined to be, this time I was doing it for my own sake as well. I wanted to love her and remember Marilyn before I saw the fear in her eyes for me. I wanted to go back and with time, I would forget that look and I could lean into the way she looked at me when we were together. It had been perfect, even if it hadn’t lasted very long.
Marilyn was alarmed when I asked her to go. She had been waiting for me, even after everything that happened. That’s why I had to do this. She wouldn’t on her own do anything to make it worse. She would probably deal with all that was happening, dying inside, and thinking she had some obligation. I couldn’t let Marilyn do that. I wouldn’t let her. There was no way that I was going to be able to live like that.
Whatever pain she felt now, it would be nothing compared to what would happen another way. I had to believe that, and I really did. I knew how messed up I was. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and I was just sorry that I forgot for a while and Marilyn had to see a side of me that I wasn’t going to be able to hide forever. Better now…
She cried, told me I was cruel, and I agreed with all of it. I was being mean, but it was a cruel to be kind sort of scenario. Maybe she would see it one day. As she was leaving, I told her that I loved her and she looked dead at me, proclaiming that if I loved her, I wouldn’t be such a coward. It hit me like a shot, but what could I say? I was a coward. I was afraid. Mostly, I was afraid of hurting her and that made me terrified of what I was capable of. This was for the best for both of us.
When she was gone, I got dirty looks from all of the nurses before I left. I didn’t have much damage, and I could only imagine how it would feel going home, but that didn’t matter. I was being judged for how I treated Marilyn, and I could see fear and anger in their eyes. It was for the best. Why couldn’t anyone see that? I was too broken, and I would never be enough for her. Even before I left Coloma and got turned around in the military, I was never enough for Marilyn. She was always destined to be more.
“You don’t deserve her,” a nurse told me the night I was going home. I could see the disgust on her face, which was hard to handle because she had been taking care of me most days while I was here.
“You’re right.”
She scoffed and shook her head. I didn’t know what exactly made her say that, but I knew the nurse and all the others giving me the side eye were right. I didn’t deserve Marilyn and that’s why she was going to not have to worry about me anymore. I set her free, which was the only thing I could do. Why couldn’t anyone see that I was sacrificing myself for her well-being?
Leaving the hospital and driving back home alone was enough to make me question what I was doing with my life. I wanted things to go away, the feelings of guilt and loss that I had. I think that it was always going to feel this way. I knew that there wasn’t much that I could do to help. I tried to pull myself together on the way home, but being back where we’d been together didn’t help. I could just feel the loss of Marilyn. Nothing else came through except the fact that she wasn’t there.
I also found out that Marilyn had moved back to the city. If I believed what was going around town, she had gone back to her ex. I knew that Jesse was no good and I had my suspicions about how no good he really was, but what could I say? He had likely done far less harm to her than I had. I might have done things for the sake of my country, but it was for me as well. I wasn’t going to pretend that I was something that I wasn’t. I tried to be good enough, but I know better now. I was ready to accept that I would never be good enough for Marilyn. Like I had heard whispered under their breaths and to my face, Marilyn deserved better than me.
Getting back to work, I did what I could for the people that were my clients. I stayed out of my head and kept as busy as I possibly could. It was easier this way. Then, I wouldn’t have to think about any of the mistakes I’d made or the life I’d lost. I could just put my head down and do what was necessary. I felt like that was the best bet. I tried to think of another way that I could fix everything, but there was nothing more that I could do. Sometimes it was messed up to the point of no going back, that’s what it was with Marilyn.
Every day no longer felt the same. I knew that it was going to be like this. I had lived without Marilyn before, and it was the transition that was painful. Before though, I was able to at one point feel better. I was able to pull myself together and that was hard to focus on now. Now, I wasn’t getting better, I was spiraling, and I started to have to hear from family and friends how I was going down a path that they were worried about. I didn’t really care how it appeared to everyone else. I knew that there was a reason for all of this. I had reasons. I just couldn’t talk about it. Talking was always the wrong thing to do. I couldn’t believe that it was going to make anything better. I was really good at making things worse.
I got a call from Dale one day, a couple of months after the wreck. I didn’t know what he was going on about at first, but then I remembered the last conversation we had. He was still on the case, and I didn’t know how to feel about it. He hadn’t called or told me anything in a while.
“You’ve been following him this whole time?” I asked, incredulous, but already knowing the answer.
Dale scoffed. “I have a job, but I have been keeping up with him as much as I can. He is easy to keep an eye on, most idiots are typical. He doesn’t move around much. He is always there at his house, with Marilyn.”
That was a gut punch and though I wanted to give him some pain to feel, I had a feeling that there was a reason for all of this. I hoped there was, because if not, it was all pain for nothing. I didn’t want to hear about Marilyn and how she was back with her ex. That was the last thing that I wanted confirmation on. I would have much rather gone through life just wondering every once in a while when life stopped long enough to listen to my head. It wasn’t the way that I wanted things to be, but I knew that it was the case.
“What do you want, Dale? You need to get to the point really quick, or I’m hanging up,” I lashed out at the messenger. I didn’t want to hear anymore. He had just confirmed something I liked to pretend was just a rumor.
Dale didn’t seem to be bothered by my bitchiness. He was used to it by now, and I would assume that was because I hadn’t felt good about anything since Marilyn. I didn’t even call him to tell him to stop chasing Jesse. It didn’t matter, I was supposed to back off and she had picked him. She likely felt comfortable with Jesse because he would keep her safe from me. It was just too much to bear, because the idea of that was sickening. It was wrong to think that I would hurt her and just as wrong to think that Jesse would do anything to keep her safe.
“They are getting married, Hal,” Dale said with annoyance in his voice. It was like my old friend was disappointed in me, and I hated that idea the most. What else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t be there for her and push her away for her own good at the same time. It was impossible.
Just when I thought that it couldn’t get any worse, it did. His words weren’t real. It got so bad that my breathing was labored and it was too much work to try to talk. What was he saying? Was he for real? I just couldn’t imagine any of it. I tried my best to think about it, but I knew then that I was still trying to figure out a way. There was no point.
