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I smiled at her, nodded my head like I was listening. I was, but that didn’t mean that the two of us were going to get along. She was going to be looking at me a whole lot differently once she got her answers. So many times, it was me who had pushed her away. I feared now that it would be Marilyn that wouldn’t want to be with me. The difference would be that she meant it, when I never did. I always wanted her to be there with me to make it all better, but there was something wrong with that assumption. After everything happened, I knew there was a very real possibility that Marilyn was not going to want to have anything to do with me. I hated to think that it was a possibility, but it was hard to not see it that way.
“I will tell you whatever you want to know, Marilyn. I just hope that you can understand that it’s all going to be okay.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, and her nose crinkled. “Where is the baby? Did our baby die?”
I wasn’t ready for the question, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt the heaviness in my heart and there was a second of joy that I got to say “no” to that question. I didn’t know how long that was going to be the case, or what was going to happen next, but at least I could answer that question at least.
“If the baby didn’t die, I know it’s not in me anymore. Where is it?”
I told her how the baby was in the NICU and that it was doing pretty good, considering that she was so small. Marilyn wanted details I didn’t have, but I was told that she could go see our little girl in a few minutes if we could get her into the wheelchair. Marilyn was ready to go at once, and I was glad that she didn’t ask any other questions. She was naturally too worried about our daughter and what happened to her. She had no idea that it was all my fault. I didn’t want her to know it, but I knew she would find out, eventually. I was going to tell her, really, I was. I was just waiting a bit longer.
I was looking for the right time to come clean to Marilyn, but was there really a way to say such a thing to the woman you loved? It didn’t feel like there was a way out of that.
Our daughter was too little to hold, and Marilyn insisted until she was given the opportunity to touch her lightly. It was like a miracle as soon as they touched each other. The baby’s vitals seemed to do better and so did Marilyn’s. It was clear that it was doing them no good to be apart. I saw the amazing way that they acted, but I knew I was outside looking in. That was my daughter and the love of my life, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to be able to figure it all out. I watched with fascination, and I knew that I needed to pray more. It was a miracle to watch, and I hoped that it meant the baby and Marilyn would be okay.
“I just don’t get what happened. I mean, did the baby just start coming?” Marilyn asked as she looked at our daughter through the clear plexiglass. She wanted answers about everything, but it was quite clear that she wasn’t going to take her eyes off of her for a second. “Look how beautiful she is. She has your eyes. Have you seen them?” Marilyn said it awe. I thought for a moment that she had forgotten that I was even in the room. She certainly wasn’t paying me any mind in the same way. She had eyes only for our daughter and I couldn’t blame her. She was adorable.
“The doctors had to take the baby. You were doing really bad, and they had to take her, so that you would survive.” The words fell out of my mouth so sloppily, and I got a look from Marilyn, asking me what that meant.
“You know, they induced.”
Marilyn crinkled her nose and said that she wanted to know who had made that decision. “I want to know who made that call. Look at her, she is so tiny!”
“What do you mean?” I asked. Now, I was really getting nervous. In my head, this was about the time that she would launch at me, try to choke me, and tell me that she hated me.
Marilyn sighed. “I mean, she needed more time. I would have been okay for a little while longer, so that she could have grown some more. Why did they take her out? She obviously wasn’t ready.”
I had a feeling and fear that Marilyn would see it that way, but when I heard her say it out loud, I knew that I was going to get mad instead. She had no idea what sort of decision that was. She had been almost ready to die, her blood pressure had skyrocketed, and they were afraid she was going to have a heart attack. If she had known how dangerous it was for her, maybe she would understand why I made the decision. If I wasn’t there for that, why had she called me in the first place?
“If they hadn’t done that, you’d be dead.” I said it as simply as I could. It was a fact, and I was trying hard not to let my emotions get in the middle of it. She’d survived, so I wouldn’t regret it for a second.
Marilyn shook her head. “It just wasn’t part of the plan. I am going to have a talk to the doctor. I can’t believe that he made that call.” Marilyn kept on, saying how mad she was. I tuned her out a bit because I could feel myself going into something akin to a blind rage. I couldn’t stand to hear the words that were being said. It was ignorant and made me think that all of it was for nothing.
“It was me that made the call, Marilyn. I was the baby’s father, you called me, so when I got here, I had to make the call. It was you or maybe the baby. I am sorry, but you will always be first. I chose you and I would do it again.”
She just looked at me for a time, and I had no idea how she was going to react. I sort of looked at her in fear and waited for her to tell me how I had done the wrong thing, hurt the baby, whatever it was she was going to say, maybe that I had no right at all to make that sort of judgment, I couldn’t say that I knew all that well. The truth of the matter was though, I knew that I had made the right decision, and I would never feel guilty for picking her. I loved her and she was the one that I needed most. We could always make another baby, but I could never replace Marilyn.
“What if something happens to her?” Marilyn asked me, completely surprised by my confession. I just couldn’t believe that she was asking such a thing, but it was one hell of a choice. How many times had I asked the same question in my own head?
“Of all the things that haunt me, Marilyn, and trust me when I say that there are many, that decision will always haunt me the most. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I knew that it could go either way. We’re lucky that it didn’t go the way that it could have gone. It could have been really bad.” Just thinking about it made me shiver. I didn’t want to think about it ever again. I wanted our baby and Marilyn to get better. They were both already doing better it seemed. They had just needed to be separated, but not too far. The touch was helping them both.
“I am sorry my body couldn’t hold you anymore, Amelia.” Marilyn nodded solemnly and she looked back down at the baby. “I don’t know if I would have been able to forgive you if something had happened to her.”
Amelia, why did I love that name so much? It had a ring to it, and it made me smile. “Yes, Amelia is a perfect name. I would have been there to make sure that you never cried alone over it, Marilyn. You will never know how happy I am that you are both okay. Amelia was born premature and will likely have a few challenges in the months and years to come, but she is happy and healthy, you’re here, and that’s all that matters to me.”
Marilyn agreed. “I can’t believe all this happened while I was sleeping.”
“It’s been a couple of weeks, Marilyn. Did they tell you that?”
Marilyn was shocked and I could tell that they hadn’t. I had a lot to get her caught up with and none of it was bad, but it was going to be a lot for her to take in. I promised her and myself that I was going to be there for her until she was caught up. Something had changed in me while she slept, and Amelia waited for her mom to wake up and give her a name. It had been a long wait, but it was finally here, the time I’d been waiting for.
“So, how have your dreams been? It must be hard to stay here and not wake everyone up,” Marilyn commented. She didn’t mean anything by it either, but curiously she wanted to know. I had just dropped bombshell after bombshell on her lap, and all she could think about was how it was affecting me. Marilyn really was one of a kind.
When she asked, I realized that she didn’t know that there had been many changes made. I was feeling a whole lot better about everything, even though I was still working through it. I’d been seeing a therapist, and I was working out how I was going to make it with the memories I had to live with. It wasn’t perfect or a quick fix, but I felt like things were going well and in the right direction.
“I don’t have many dreams anymore,” I told her. It was true, which made it really nice to say.
Marilyn was shocked and wanted to know how that was. I didn’t mind that she was a bit dubious. I would have been too, but I was glad that things were going better. I had more time and energy to lose myself in many other things, not just her.
