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19
Marilyn
One Month Later…
Seeing Hal went from the greatest moment to the worst so quickly that it made my head spin. While I liked to believe that everything that was going on between us was how it was supposed to be, him walking away was more than I could bear. It was sad because I should be used to it. I’d seen him walk away so many times, so why was it so difficult this time around? It made no sense why this time seemed to be so much harder. It was though. I was sure that this was the chance that I’d always needed, but now I wasn’t certain. Going back to Jesse, knowing that I didn’t want to be with him and knowing that this wasn’t his kid made it impossible. I couldn’t get Hal out of my mind and how strongly he felt about Jesse being around. How would he feel to know that I had our child around him?
That gave me the courage to walk away from Jesse, which wasn’t easy but not as hard as I suspected. I was just honest with him, told him that it shouldn’t be, and he accepted it. A month after I saw Hal in the parking lot, I was living on my own and feeling pretty good about the future. I’d decided that I was going to have to tell Hal about our baby, not now, but soon. It was easier for me to try my best to focus on anything but what was going on around me.
Everything was going well. Work had slowed down a bit. I took less clients, deciding that I was going to take some time off once the baby was born, and I didn’t want to focus too much on picking up anything new. I was in the mode of wrapping up what I had outstanding and would be done soon. I also transferred some clients to other people in the firm. I was getting all of my ducks in a row because I had no idea what the next couple of months were going to look like.
All of this was done, and I was feeling good about it. The nursery was getting put together and it felt like things were finally going the way they were supposed to. I didn’t know how Hal was going to fit into it, it was his choice in the end, but I knew that I was going to be okay either way. I knew where my heart wanted the answer to be. My heart wanted Hal to be there for me in all ways. I didn’t want him to be with me because of the baby though, that was the thing. It was bad enough that he had come back to check on me, felt that he was bound to. It was another thing altogether to have to wake up with him, knowing he was only there for another reason and not because he loved me.
Hal was the problem in it all. He was where my stress came from. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with my feelings for Hal. I knew that I loved him and likely always would, but where did that leave me if he didn’t want to be with me? Hal was the one thing that I didn’t see the end to, and I had no idea where it was all supposed to lead.
I had a bit of a problem when Hal came into the picture. I would get worried about where it was all going to lead. That led to my heart palpitating a bit harder than usual at a doctor’s appointment and red flags were sighted because of it. I told the doc I was fine, but he insisted that I stay over for a while in the hospital. I wasn’t too happy about the extra time spent there, but I was less impressed with how everyone acted like something bad was happening. When I asked the nurses what was going on and why everyone looked so serious, she said that I might have something serious. I was getting along in the pregnancy, and it wasn’t near time, so I didn’t know what they were talking about.
All of the stress that I’d had before was amplified and I asked for a phone. It wasn’t usually in the room I was in, but one was brought to me. I had a feeling that anything I asked for was going to come to me. Everyone was serious and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to call only one person. I should have told Hal sooner and now it was too late. I almost hung up when it started to ring. I was so nervous of what was going to happen next, but then relief flooded me when I heard his voice.
“Hello?” Why did he sound so damn good?
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Hal, I need you.”
It was all I could get out over the lump in my throat. All of the emotions that I felt for Hal were decimated in moments. I couldn’t believe what was going on and how it was all supposed to work out. I just wanted him here. I didn’t know how to explain it all. I just knew that it was never going to be the same again. The nurse was right, something bad was happening, and I didn’t want to be alone. I needed Hal.
“Where are you, Marilyn? I’ll be right there.” He answered me without hesitation, and it made me feel so much better. It was what I needed, that answer.
“Something is wrong with our baby, Hal. I don’t know what is going on, but I need you here. I’m in the hospital.” It took so much out of me to say just those few little words. I could feel darkness trying to crowd into my sight. I felt woozy and I was glad that I was already lying down.
He sputtered on the other end, and I tried to answer some of his questions, but I couldn’t even answer the basic one. Something was wrong and the nurse took the phone from me. She could see something on the machine’s screen and told me to lay down. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good. I could feel how bad off I was suddenly, and I was scared. I wished Hal was here with me. That was the last thing I remembered thinking. Hal would somehow make everything better; I just didn’t know where he was or if he was going to get here in time.
I woke up with a start and sat up. I was hurt all over, and I was alone in bed. Something was off. I remembered calling Hal, something being off with the baby, but I had no idea what was going on with me. I knew that there was something about the feeling inside of me that was different. I looked down and the bump was noticeably smaller than it had been before.
My nails were longer on my hand as well. It was a strange thing to recognize. I knew that there was something very off going on. I tried not to focus on it too much, but there was a part of me that was trying my best to make sure that I was right before I freaked out. I knew I was right though. I felt empty and that only brought about panic. I shouldn’t feel empty. I had a baby in my stomach when I got to the hospital. What happened?!
A nurse quickly came in the room to settle me down. Again, the screens of the machines attached to me were giving away how I was doing. Like before, I was not doing well. It wasn’t my body that was doing bad this time, it was my heart. It was breaking. My mind was trying hard to will what I knew to be true, but I couldn’t.
“Where is my baby?” I finally asked. I saw the answer before I heard it. Her eyes shifted away, going toward the door. I wanted to look and see what she was looking at, but there was nothing that I could do about it. I locked my eyes on her. I wanted her to tell me. She looked like a mother; I had the instinct that she was. When she started to tear up, I knew. I let go of her arm, something I hadn’t even realized that I was holding. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it or more likely, I didn’t want to believe it. I was so upset. What was I supposed to do?
I wanted to know what happened, but I was given something to “calm me down”, though I had a feeling that was just the way to say that I was freaking out. I knew that I was, but I didn’t care. I wanted answers and I was still asking for them when I started to slip back to some kind of sleepiness. I wasn’t trying to hear their call for sleep. I felt like I’d slept enough, but I had no choice. The last face I saw was Hal’s and the look that he gave me was haunting. What happened? I had to know, even if it killed me.
My dreams were filled with Hal’s haunted face. I could see the pain on it, what had happened I had no idea, but I knew it wasn’t good. Hal wasn’t the type of guy that was able to hide his worry, and this time was no different. I could see that he was upset.
In the dream I tried to ask him if he was okay and what had happened, but he didn’t answer me. He would turn to me, and then his lips would move like he was talking to me, but no words came out. It was hard to focus on his lips, I tried so hard, but nothing came of all my questions. I didn’t know if I had ever been so frustrated in all of my life. The only good part of it all was it kept me from devastation. Frustration was a lot easier to live with than the soul-crushing feeling that was written across his face.
20
Hal
Iheard that Marilyn was up for a few minutes, but she had been so upset that she had quickly been put back to sleep. I could only imagine how she was feeling. I wanted to comfort her and be there for her, but I knew that I had to keep my distance. She was quickly going to find out that I had made some decisions when it came to our baby, and it hadn’t gone the way I’d hoped. Our baby was still alive, but just barely. She had been killing Marilyn, and I picked Marilyn. It wasn’t because of anything more than it was the only thing that I could think of. Marilyn wasn’t going to be able to make the decision, she’d passed out. When it came to the baby or her, I picked her.
Since I didn’t know how she was going to react when she found out, a part of me was sure that she was going to hate me. I actually expected it, not for her to ask to see me the next day. I was worried about what we were going to talk about, but, of course, I had agreed to do it. I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to convince her that I’d done the right thing. If anything happened to our daughter, I knew that Marilyn was never going to forgive me. Forget about the fact that I didn’t even know that the child she carried was mine. Would that have changed anything? Would she have even called me and told me anything, if I had somehow put it all off? Would I have even known at all?
The thought of never knowing was a hard one, but then again, I could see it too, I had acted the way I had, pushing her away at every chance I could. It was my own fault, but now I hated myself for it. What if I lost her, we lost the baby? I couldn’t stand the idea of Marilyn hating me. It hurt me to even think of it, and the more I tried to deny that it would happen, the more I worried that it was going to happen just that way.
She called me to be with her after a while the next day. I stayed up waiting for her to wake up all night, but she didn’t. They had given her something, and she was pretty out of it when I got in there. With all of that aside, Marilyn looked so damn good laying up in the bed. I knew that she wasn’t feeling good and all of that, but there was a part of me that loved to see it. It meant that she was alive and on the mend. That was not the easiest thing when it came to her and the last twenty-four hours. Preeclampsia had seen to it that she could no longer carry our baby. What happened next was all in the hands of God, and I knew that Marilyn was going to like that even less. She wanted to be in charge of her own destiny.
“I am so glad you are here, Hal. I have so many questions and no one wants to answer them. I just woke up and I knew that if anyone would tell me the truth, it would be you.” She had this smile on her face, so innocent, and I wanted to hold her tight. I’d almost lost her and now she was standing right there. It was amazing.
