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Taking a deep breath, I ran my hands over my face, trying to hide the fears and uncertainty that began to rise to the surface.
“I feel like I’m at a crossroads. It is like my life is being split into two polar opposite directions, and if I pick one, I lose the other.”
“Tell me, explain both. Why do you believe you can’t have both? Why can’t it happen?”
“I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Just try. There is no right or wrong answer.”
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees. Finally, I let it all out.
“I have never been able to choose anything in my life for myself. I’m torn between the expectation that has been drummed into me since infancy and what I truly want to do and achieve with my life. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show vulnerability. Family and love were never something I aspired to, nor was it ever hinted at as something I should actively seek. That’s the freedom and prerogative my siblings have. All that’s ever been set out for me was the business—continuing the legacy. All I know is that I only function by structure and order and by following the guides and precedence set before me. How do I go against all that I’ve ever known? All I’ve ever been taught? What I was born for. Molded into. But then Serena came along.”
My eyes drifted over to Ben’s, and he gently nodded, encouraging me to continue.
“She’s like a mermaid, unreal, alluring, with an essence of unattainability to her. She isn’t something I can grasp in my hands and haul off into the sunset with. That’s not my path. That’s not what is expected of me or what I can allow myself to want or even to believe. She’s an enigma. At the same time, she makes me feel free. Free to change my life. Free to think beyond the lines and boxes that have always been around me. When I’m around her, I feel comfortable opening up. Not hide behind the mask. She pushes me to question things I had never thought of before. She has so much passion and drive and wants to fight for those who can’t. She wants to make a difference in the world, and it’s not attached to dollar amounts. It’s about making a better life for those who enter her orbit. But in that same breath, it makes me doubt her opinion of me. Is she just like everyone else—trying to turn me into something I’m not? Is she simply writing a new script I’m now expected to follow? Just like everyone else always has.”
My mind felt like it was spinning in circles, never reaching an answer. Unable to look at him, I bowed my head between my legs, pulling the strands of my hair in frustration as my voice was so low, just above a whisper.
“I’m scared I can’t be who she wants me to be. There’s too much at risk. Going against what I’ve been taught my whole life means tarnishing my father’s memory, it’s not inventive or progressive. It will be seen as rebellious and I can’t do that.”
Once again, we sat silently, the words ricocheting relentlessly around my head. After several minutes had passed, Ben took a deep breath, unbuttoned his jacket, and faced me head-on.
“I know it would be easy for me to give you an answer or a plan that you could decide if you want to follow, but that’s not for me to do. This is your life. Yours. Nobody else’s. I will say though, I have always resented the pressure thrust upon you. I never understood it. It’s also one of the reasons why I separated myself from this family. I didn’t want to sit back and watch a repeat of what my brother—your father, had gone through be drilled into you. I’ve never understood it, it’s always been rather archaic to me. I’ve always loved my brother, and now that he’s gone, I truly regret not having had the chance to fix things between us. But I do know he wouldn’t want this turmoil for you. He’d want you to be happy.”
We continued talking briefly, but I diverted the conversation to Ben’s life. I needed to get off the subject of Serena. Today, out of all days, I just couldn’t.
Finally, I decided to show my face again and do my best to mingle with the other guests. I was just about to go and find Heather when Verity walked straight up to me and tried embracing me in front of everyone. I instantly pushed her away.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m sorry. I just thought…”
“You didn’t think. You never do. What is wrong with you?”
“Your mother invited me and my parents. Your father was like family. I came to pay my respects and to make sure you’re okay. I want you to know I’m here if you need me.”
I couldn’t take this anymore.
“I’ve told you countless times I am not interested. I am with someone.”
“I’ve heard. That brown girl? The mechanic? Oh, Rhett, come on, we both know you’re just going through a phase with her.”
I never condoned any man raising their hand to a woman, but she made me almost wish I felt different.
“Verity, go fuck yourself!”
I didn’t shout, but my voice was raised enough for several guests, including my mother, to hear.
“Rhett!”
My mother turned and walked towards one of the studies. Swearing under my breath, I watched her hasty retreat. Before entering, she looked back at me, and I could see the tears streaming down her face. Frantically, I ran after her, closed the door, and found her sitting on the couch, crying her eyes out.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause a scene.”
“Why are you making today even more difficult for me than it already is?”
“I’m sorry. Today’s been horrible for me too. God dammit. Every day has been hard. I’ve been trying to stay strong for you, for everyone. Then, when Verity confronted me, I just snapped.”
