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Intense. Dark. Pointed forward.
The man disappeared through the exit as I pursed my lips.
Luckily, he didn’t see me.
Luckily, I didn’t have to deal with awkward eye contact. Because that stranger’s gaze was so intense, I was sure that if he looked at me like that while I was feeling so fragile, I’d shatter.
2
Grace
Islumped on Dr. Silk’s cloud-like couch with relief. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”
She smiled warmly. “Of course. This appointment slot opened up right before you called, so it was no trouble fitting you in.”
I relaxed, feeling the worry of being an imposition evaporate from my mind. “I’m glad.”
Her silvery, calculating eyes landed on my damp forehead, then zipped to my fidgeting fingers. “Did you have another attack just now?”
“Almost,” I admitted. “I was right on the brink, but I managed to get out of it.”
She smiled wide, revealing her set of pearly white teeth. I knew it was a genuine smile because when it stretched that big, it showed her slightly crooked tooth she usually tried to hide. “Very good. You’re making excellent progress.”
Her validation washed over me like warm bathwater, but then Disgrace pointed out how chilly the air was in my half-empty glass. “It doesn’t feel like I’m making progress. Look, the reason I needed to see you today was…” I looked down at my hands so I wouldn’t have to see her reaction. “…was because I kissed my boss.”
Dr. Silk stayed silent, so I looked up to check her expression.
To my surprise, she looked calm and tranquil as ever, as if she’d been expecting me to say something like that.
“How did you feel before, during, and after?” she asked.
“Huh?”
“Kissing your boss. Sawyer, if I remember correctly. You brought him up once in a session a few months ago.”
Wow. She could remember that far back. She could sift through the quicksand in my mind and pick out the grains one-by-one, remembering names and details, collect and analyze the evidence of how much of a screw-up I was.
Dr. Silk could see through me; catalog all the horrible things I told her with photographic clarity. Hell, she probably saw this coming months in advance. Everything I told her was a data point; a smattering of asymmetrical inkblots slanting downward on my unclean slate. I imagined she could see the pattern clear enough to draw a linear regression line through my life.
And she could probably predict when I’d hit rock-bottom.
I crossed my arms over my chest as if I could protect myself from her microscopic gaze.
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Dr. Silk said soothingly. “We can talk about something else if you want—”
“No, I came here to talk about this,” I said with courage. “I came here because I need your help facing what I’ve done. How I’ve ruined my life.”
“You haven’t ruined your life,” Dr. Silk reassured me. “You did what felt right at the time. Now let’s go back through this. Take me back to the beginning; what made it feel right?”
I uncrossed my arms and re-crossed my legs.
The knot in my brain shifted around, but I couldn’t tell if it tightened or loosened—it only changed shape. “Well… I went to Sawyer’s office to discuss funding for the math club—”
“Was this a planned meeting?”
“Yes.”
Everything was always planned down to the last detail. I couldn’t deal with surprises or spontaneity. “It was supposed to be a regular meeting.”
