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“But it wasn’t.”
“Right. As soon as I walked in, I knew something was different.”
“Different how?”
I interlaced my fingers. “Like… the air was heavy and humid, like before a storm. It’s hard to describe…”
“Describe it how it makes sense to you.”
I closed my eyes, pictured his office, and took a deep breath. There he was, sitting in his chair in that suit. The light filtered in from the window, illuminating half his face. And, that intangible…
“Well, there was this…electricitythere that’s never been there before. Up until now, he’s just been my superintendent, and I’d see him in the halls occasionally and sometimes during administrative meetings. But only recently, I’ve started… I don’t know,noticinghim.”
I looked up to check her expression; to get any kind of cue to make sure I was saying the right things.
Acceptance glimmered in her bright eyes, but then they flicked down to my hands.
“Can I point something out to you, Grace?”
“Hm?”
“You’re fidgeting with your ring finger.”
I peeled apart my hands and forced them to sit at my sides. My right hand grazed the firm, smooth edge of a button on the couch. “Feels weird that it’s not there anymore…”
“I noticed that you fidget with your ring finger whenever you talk about Grayson, and also when you’re talking about a new interest.”
My mind touched something dark, liquid, and uncomfortable underneath all my solid layers of control and order. I wanted to deny her, to proclaim that I didn’t think about anyone in that way. And that I didn’t think about Grayson anymore, either. But that would’ve been the biggest lie ever told, and trying to save face in this safe space would be a waste of everyone’s time. “I guess Sawyer kind of reminds me of Grayson. At least, when he looks a certain way.”
Dr. Silk quirked an eyebrow and grinned. “Go on.”
“Maybe I wanted that. I wanted to feel that, again, even though I’m not supposed to. And something about Sawyer reminded me of…him.But I think part of me wanted to kiss him to screw up my life a little.”
“Do you want to screw up your life?”
I looked down, unable to meet her gaze. My eyes fell on something cylindrical wedged in the couch cushions. That must have been the thing I felt earlier. The thing I thought was a button.
It was a black fountain pen.
I shifted in my seat and the long white highlight on the tube winked at me.
“Maybe,” I said to the pen. “I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
“We haven’t talked about romance in a while.”
“It’s not something I’m interested in,” I snapped. Though secretly, I held out hope. I told myself I didn’t need a partner, that I was fine on my own. That I had everything under control. But truthfully, I’d lost faith in dating. I knew no one could compare to my ex-fiancé.
No one could compare to Grayson.
“If you have these feelings for your boss, it might be a desire that’s been running in the background for a while. Maybe this is your subconscious telling you it wants something.”
“It always wants something. There’s no end to the wanting.”
Dr. Silk smiled in amy-sweet-summer-childtype of way. “Luckily, you get to be on a team with it instead of against it.”
Disgrace flipped me double middle fingers.
“Team? No, this isn’t a team sport. This is a losing game. It’s like trying to keep one of those boogie boards underwater, and then it lunges and smacks me in the forehead as soon as I shift my weight.”
