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Dr. Silk laughed and the room filled with the gentle bells of hope.
I sank into the couch and relaxed a little. Maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel after all. It didn’t matter what was going on outside this office; in here, I was safe from the storm.
I was safe in the eye if only for this one hour a week.
My fingers grazed the smooth casing of the pen again. I plucked it from the cushions and began twirling it in my fingers so I’d have something to do with my hands.
The silence widened between us, and I knew she was purposefully creating space for me to fill. I felt desperate to fill the vacuum, to put something in the air I could hold onto. “I know I’m deflecting. I just get tired of everyone around me pressuring me to date, you know?”
“That sounds stressful.”
“It’sbeyondstressful! Like, Effie and every one of my friends are telling me to ‘get back out there,’ like it’ll fix me or something. Like I’m less of a person without a fiancé.”
“Do you feel like less of a person without a fiancé?” she asked in a knowing tone.
My mouth went dry. “I want to say no, but now that you ask that, I’m not really sure.”
“Have you thought about what you want in a partner?”
Grayson.“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I mean, have you really stopped to think about it? Made a list of the qualities you’re looking for—”
I sighed. “We’ve talked about Grayson so many times—”
“There were things you told me were missing from your relationship with Grayson.”
I sped up my fidgeting, making the pen dance through my fingers like a little helicopter. “Grayson was the best I’ll ever get.”
“You only feel that way now.”
A flicker of annoyance flared in me. Whenever people talked about my breakup, they seemed to downplay it; like they were so high and mighty. As if they’d been through my relationship themselves and gotten over it without a problem. If they could make it through my breakup, why couldn’t I? Because I was weak, maybe. Inadequate. That I’d found ‘The One,’but I’d let him slip through my fingers because I wasn’t good enough.
I’d never been good enough.
“It was a miracle he dated me as long as he did,” I admitted.
“That’s your critical voice talking. She’s not invited into this space with us.”
A spotlight struck Disgrace and she scuttled away.
I stopped fidgeting. “I didn’t even realize it snuck up on me…”
“They’re experts at that. It’s how they survive.” Dr. Silk smiled. “Now, I’m going to give you some homework. By our next session, I want you to write down all the things you want in your perfect partner. Everything you’re looking for. The sky’s the limit. Really dig in here, get greedy.”
I shifted on the couch. “Well, I don’t really know what I want—”
“You know what youdon’twant. Start with the opposite of that.”
I unscrewed the cap of the pen, then screwed it back on. “How many things do I have to write?”
“As many as you want. But if you need a ballpark number to hit, let’s say ten things.”
“That’s a lot.” Though privately, I knew I only had one requirement, and it came down to an equation:
My ideal man would have to be greater than or equal to Grayson, and that simply wasn’t possible.
“I think you might surprise yourself with how many you come up with,” Dr. Silk said with a twinkle in her eye.
