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“No, I need to go and look after my dad,” I said, “but I’ll see you soon, okay?”
I walked away from her, feeling even more alone than ever before. I was pushing her away, rejecting her when all she had done was care about me. But my mind was consumed with the problem at hand. I needed to solve this now. I needed to make this right, and I really didn’t know how.
As I got into the car, and I started to drive my way home, an idea from the deep, dark pit of my mind began to form. One that I didn’t want to ever have to consider again. It was wrong, sickening, but I really had tried everything else.
This time, I’d done my best to do things the right way. I had tried to go down the responsible route, and I’d gotten nowhere.
I didn’t want to have to admit that the shady route I took before might be the only way, but I was desperate. I was freaking the fuck out, and if I didn’t do something, I’d regret it forever.
I didn’t have much time. My dad was getting weaker and weaker by the day. Hell… it seemed like he was getting weaker by the hour.
Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck this world, fuck everything. What the hell was I supposed to do? What was the right way to move forward now? What I was considering was wrong. I was supposed to be more responsible now, more mature, but I couldn’t see any other way out.
By the time I got back home, my mind was made up. I didn’t want to have to accept it, to have to admit it, but I was fucking doing it anyway.
I felt like utter shit as my heart tore through my chest, telling me I was wrong. My heart knew it was a bad choice. My brain screamed at me to stop, but I was shutting it all the fuck down. There was no listening to my emotions. There was no listening to my brain. I just needed to do what I had to.
I drew a deep breath, glanced at the business card between my fingers, and started to dial the number with a shaking hand.
“What the hell are you doing?” my dad’s voice rang out, making me jump. He yanked the card out of my hand. “When I first saw that business card sitting on the table, I assumed that it had to be there for a good reason. But now I’m standing here watching you actually take that step? Are you going to call that man for money? Tell me I’m wrong!” There was real anger in his tone, and disappointment, too. His reaction made me feel physically ill. “You’re calling that asshole? One mistake is forgivable… but two?”
“Look, Dad, I need to do this. I can’t just stand aside and leave you here with no treatment. I have to do this. I don’t have any other choice. Trust me, I’ve been through every other option. This really is it.”
“You need to put an end to this foolishness, right now,” he warned, totally not getting it. “There is no way that I’m being treated by money found in this way again. It ruined your life last time. It tore you apart.”
“Dad, stop it. Stop trying to prevent me from doing what I need to do. I cannot lose you. I can’t just do nothing. I know that this ruined my life last time. I’m aware of that. I know that I’m risking it all again, but I’ll do it for you. And don’t stand there and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you were in my shoes.”
“I don’t want you to!” he yelled. “I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to go through all the excruciating and painful treatments again only to live a couple more years or even months. It isn’t worth it. Not for me anyway. I would rather die peacefully now. To go and be with my Louisa in Heaven than to keep on fighting. I’m tired, son. I’m really, really tired.”
My dad never talked about my mother anymore. It was as if the mere thought of her damn near killed him, so it showed me how serious he was that her name rolled off his tongue. I barely remembered my mother, but I was grateful to her for saving me from a life in the foster care system or worse. I’d always had a lot of love for her, but I didn’t want to lose my dad to her. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. He might not want to live anymore, but I couldn’t live without him. I needed to do this with his permission, or without it.
“I am not going to be responsible for you losing your career again. You have it good now. You have it right. I’m not willing to be the thing that gets in your way. I need you to pause for a moment and stop this spiral.”
