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“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” I screamed back at him, frustration racing through my body. “I actually cannot believe what you’re saying. You’re just giving up on life. Is that it? Giving up on me, and for what? Because you’re scared? Well, you go on and be scared. I don’t give a shit anymore. I refuse to let fear take you away from me. I just won’t have it.”
I tried my best to stare him down, but he wasn’t having any of it. He looked back at me with as much determination in his gaze, refusing to back off. So, I grabbed hold of my car keys and stormed outside.
Luckily, despite Dad’s rants and snatching the card from my hand, I knew where Nero would be from all of our time together before. I could still go and get that money, no matter what my father said. I was going to go there, to his hole-in-the-wall bar, and ask for a loan. I’d have to go through a whole range of bullshit to get that money back to him, and it would certainly lose me my place at Smiley’s, but right now my mind wasn’t in a good place. I was not thinking about me and my career anymore. Just like I hadn’t last time. I was only thinking about my dad and saving his life.
I wouldn’t let myself get sucked into the addiction this time. I was sure of that. I would be able to pull myself out of it no matter how hard it was to resist. This was a loan. A dirty, fucking filthy loan. Nothing more. It would not become my drug. Not again.
Then again, I didn’t think that I would be going back down this road again either, yet here I was, doing just that.
As I sped along the road, I allowed everything I was giving up to flood through my mind. Smiley’s, the trust that people had in me, my relationship with my dad…
Ari.
Of course, Ari. I was going to have to give her up to get through all of this. I could not drag her down with me. It was one thing to give up my own career, but to lose hers, too… There was no way I could do that. I could be selfish when it came to me, but not her. I was falling for her, caring about her. I adored her, but I couldn’t drag her the hell down. Not for me. It wasn’t her fight. It wasn’t anyone’s fight but mine. I needed to stand alone. Even if that meant losing Lotto, too.
Although something in my gut told me he’d stand by my side through it all, just like before. I fucking hoped so. I’d need those broad shoulders of his to help carry this weight.
I really didn’t want to have to think about giving up Ari, but there was no way she’d want me now. She’d put her faith in me, drawn me into the gym, and I was about to throw it away. Frankie would lose his shit, too.
I knew that, yet I still couldn’t stop myself. I needed to do this, and there was nothing strong enough to keep me from making this choice. I couldn’t lose another parent. I didn’t know my birth father. He could be any scumbag on the planet. My real mother didn’t want me. My adoptive mother died when I was young, and now I was losing Cisco, too. That fucking cancer was going to get him. It was going to kill him, and I was going to have no fucking family left.
Without him, I was nothing. Without him, I would completely fall apart. There wasn’t any foundation for me to exist upon. Over and over, I tried to justify my actions. Repeating the same thoughts to somehow make this all right. But it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But I still had no other choice.
Chapter 33
Ari
The ringing of the phone woke me, making me realize I’d fallen asleep on the couch in front of the television. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and tried to force myself awake—even more so when I saw that it was Lotto’s number.
“Hello?” I said, nervous as to why he was calling so late. “Everything okay?” I had been worried about both him and Bones, but I didn’t want to impose on their family time and private issues.
“Ari? It’s Cisco. Lotto is asleep, and I’m using his phone.”
I instantly sat up straighter, recognizing that this had to be a bad sign. If Cisco was calling me, it made me think Bones or Lotto had to be in trouble. “What’s going on?” I demanded.
“Can you come over?” he quavered. “I don’t want to discuss it over the phone, and I waited until Lotto went to bed. But I fear that my son is about to do something stupid.”
