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I’d hurt his feelings then. And I’d offended him tonight. He thought I was ashamed because of who he was. But that wasn’t it.
It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
“Vander, it’s not you.” He turned as I attempted to cup his cheeks. He grasped my wrists and put them back on his chest. I tried to ignore the hurt it set off inside me. A single tear tracked down my cheek, and my voice cracked.
“It’s just…No one has spoken to me like that before. When Mich—when he talked about my body, my reactions, it was to hurt me. To prove that what he did was okay. He used it to say I w—wanted it. He did it to punish me.”
I can still hear his venomous words in my head. My mind ripped back into my memories.
Mitchell forced my legs apart. I lay on the floor, whimpering in pain. My arm was sore from where he’d held a cigar to it. Blood pooled on my stomach from a knife wound as he shoved inside me. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my husband took me without my permission.
“Stop crying, bitch. You’re my wife. It’s your job to spread your legs for me.”
“No. Please, Mitchell.” I whimpered. He smiled at the agony in my voice. “Don’t do this. You’re hurting me.”
He smacked me across the face, making my lip bleed as my teeth cut into it. My head throbbed as it knocked on the hardwood floors. I didn’t bother fighting back, knowing it would only lead to more pain. More of this.
I shouldn’t have even pleaded for his mercy. Begging only made him hit me harder. Hurt me worse. Like he enjoyed my desperation.
“Stop lying. Your used pussy is dripping all over this floor.” I could feel his hot breath as he leaned forward to whisper in my ear. I swallowed the bile as it tried to crawl up my esophagus. “Even if it wasn’t, I’d just use your blood as lube.”
His laughter rang in my ears as I cried. Tears poured down my face, mixing with the viscous liquid on my skin. “Now fucking come for me. Show me what a good little wife you are. If you don’t, I’ll start all over again.”
“Please.” I whimpered, even though I knew he wouldn’t stop. He never did.
Moments later, he pulled off me as I curled into a ball in a futile attempt to shield my nakedness. Mitchell slicked back his hair as he fixed his suit.
“I don’t know why you put up such a fuss.” He sounded exasperated, like I was just a petulant child. “I let you come every time. You’re a fucking whore for my cock. Now clean yourself up; we have associates arriving for dinner soon.”
“Oh fuck. I’m sorry.” Vander’s voice pulled me back to the present.
I shivered against his chest as memories that felt like a lifetime ago but also like they’d happened yesterday flooded my system. My fight-or-flight response kicked in, making adrenaline race through my veins.
Vander rubbed my back as I shook from the letdown. He whispered soothing words in my ear until I relaxed against him again.
I used the grounding techniques Alessandra had taught me. Before, I’d never been allowed to talk about it. Nobody could know what kind of monster Mitchell was. I shied away from calling him my husband, even in my own head. I wished he never was. It should only have ever been Vander. No one else deserved the title.
I held onto the deep timber of his voice. Rubbing my fingers along his hard chest, I allowed his strength to make me feel safe. I inhaled, pulling his sandalwood scent into my lungs. Finally, I felt the last of the memories disappear.
“You know that’s not what I was doing.” He spoke into my hair as he rubbed my spine through my clothes. “Sunflower, I loved making you feel good. I loved your reactions. You should never be ashamed of them.”
“Even when I—I didn’t want to have sex?” I told him the secret I’d been holding onto for so long. That even though I didn’t want it. Even though it was rape, I’d still come. My body hadn’t cared that it was being taken without permission.
“Grace.” He tilted my chin up, so I was looking into his eyes. The deep affection I saw in them made my breath catch in my lungs. It wasn’t just affection. It was admiration. Like he was proud of me.
I wanted to hold on to that expression. Put it in my pocket and take it out on bad days. I wanted to stare at it when I believed I was worthless. When the memories were painful. When they pressed down on me until I would do anything to rip them from my mind.
“Your body’s reaction is not your fault. It doesn’t mean that you wanted it. It doesn’t make what he did okay. It’s biology. The same reason it doesn’t mean I’m turned on by coconut ice cream just because it makes my balls tingle.”
“It does not.” I burst out laughing, grateful he could make me laugh when moments ago I was crying.
“Um… have you had it because it’s fucking delicious?” He leaned forward to bury his head in my neck, nuzzling my skin. Making me shiver with need. “Not as sweet as you, though.”
“Thank you,” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around him, burrowing into his comfort. “I shouldn’t be talking to you about him. It’s just… there’s been no one to tell.”
“You can talk to me about anything, Sunflower. And I hope it’s helping to see Alessandra.”
I stilled for a moment, allowing the relief to wash over me. I was safe. Allowed to feel how I did. To express myself. Vander would never hurt me. He was actively trying to help me move away from my past. Except guilt tugged on my gut.
