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Her own brother hadn’t bothered to visit her. Every day I felt like I was in over my head and drowning, but I couldn’t give up on her.
“You have no idea what that accident put me through. It didn’t just happen to you, Elle.”
She rolled her eyes. “And here we go, somehow making an accident that happened to me all about you.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Now, I was pissed. “That accident was a tragedy that happened to all of us. Tyler couldn’t even look at you most days, but he showed up anyway and did his best to be there for you. I lost sleep crying at your bedside for weeks, terrified you might never come out of that coma. We were all in pain.”
“Well, I was the one lying in a hospital room with my head split open and half my memories gone!”
“What do you need me to say here? You win? Fuck, Elle, I was physically sick over the fear that I might lose you. It was agony. And now you’re throwing it in my face, like I somehow did something wrong by caring for you? Like I’m some sort of narcissist for letting your pain affect me. That’s not narcissism, it’s love! I’m sorry if I can’t just shut it off when you suddenly decide you don’t need a best friend anymore.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well, you’re certainly acting like it. You’re keeping secrets and avoiding me.”
“You were in New York!”
“So what? We have phones! You were super sketchy every time I called. And now, you’re acting like I’m smothering you by simply asking about your life.”
“Wanting to make some decisions on my own has nothing to do with you, Ray. I don’t need you to weigh in on every choice.”
“Fine, but did you ever think that I might still need you even if you don’t need me?” I gathered my belongings, my hands trembling violently as I rushed to get out of there. “Our friendship is one of the most important relationships of my life, and I feel like you’re cutting it into pieces without even giving me a say.”
“Maybe I’m not your best friend anymore.”
I staggered at the door, her words stabbing into me with no warning and nearly dropping me to my knees. Denial choked me. But I couldn’t argue her accusation because part of me knew she was right.
Tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn’t face her.
Elle’s voice lowered. “You have Hale now. You don’t need me. Not like you used to.”
“I still need you.”
“Things were always going to change, Rayne. I didn’t do this. It just happened.”
My head lowered. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. I didn’t want it.
“Rayne, this year… A lot’s changed. We’re different now. Both of us. Why can’t you accept that? It’s unrealistic to expect me to go back to being a girl I only partially remember. Just as it would be unrealistic of me to expect you to have the same time for me as you had before Hale.”
Tears rolled down my face as a steady ache seemed to pry open my chest. “Maybe things changed, but I never pushed you away. Can you say the same?”
She sighed. “Rayne, when you wanted to change careers, I supported you. Did I think it was a mistake? Maybe, but I still thought it was an experience worth having. A few months ago I woke up in a hospital bed with half my hair and who knows how many memories missing. I thought we were still in high school and my parents were still alive. I thought my brother was still…my brother. But none of that was right. You’re getting married, Chris is on drugs somewhere, and my parents are in a cemetery someplace I can’t remember. I can hardly keep track of the things I’m supposed to remember, and why should I when they hurt me? Some days I just want to leave it all behind and move on. It feels…lighter to be someone new. You have no idea how heavy it is to carry everyone’s expectations around every day and worry I’m going to disappoint all of you.”
She truly forgot who she was talking to. “Elle, my only expectation is that you’re honest with me and that we remain friends.”
“I think it’s a little more than that, Rayne.”
“Maybe I’ve been a little preoccupied with the wedding?—”
“This isn’t about your wedding!” she snapped. “It’s about me finding my independence.”
Everything I said seemed to be the wrong words, so I shut up.
“Look,” she said in a calmer tone. “You’re getting married. Hale’s going to be your husband and Elara’s going to be your daughter. I’m okay with that. But I’m not sure you are. Before you get to the altar, I think you need to examine what you’re really agreeing to. No one else is going into this marriage with you. I can’t be there for every decision and disagreement.”
Hurt, insulted, it all started to blur into unwanted pain. Wanting her input was different from needing her to decide for me. Ultimately, I knew it was Hale and I. When did valuing her opinion become a character flaw? Maybe it wasn’t my flaw after all. Maybe this was her issue.
I should have left. I should have walked away then and there and given us both a chance to cool off, but I didn’t because I would never understand why new beginnings sometimes felt like unwanted endings.
