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I kissed her precious head and breathed in the sweet scent of her baby shampoo. “I could never leave you, peanut. Never.”
Cue the Cramps
Over the next two weeks I was plucked, waxed, buffed, stuffed, painted, and dyed until I resembled Calamity Barbie more than myself. But in truth, I looked damn hot so I had no complaints.
While my weight remained drastically unchanged, mostly because I opted to do nothing to change it, the rest of me went through a massive upgrade. I didn’t get any injections but I did go for the spray tan. Aside from smelling like a dirty sock for a day, I thoroughly appreciated my new glow. Even my caramel highlights looked amazing against my dark hair, which had been freshly trimmed.
Hale was having a hard time keeping his hands off his hot, soon-to-be wife but we somehow kept our word about abstaining from sex. After making it this far, he was going to have to wait until the very end to put his dick in my dowry. Rules were rules.
“What’s this?” he said, holding the tip of the oddly-shaped charger that plugged into the wall.
“A cord.”
“This is the cord to a vibrator. Have you been cheating?”
My new vibrator, otherwise known as Thor’s Hammer, had been a minor investment that proved to be worth every penny, especially on the nights when Hale was away and insomnia kept me up until three.
“Hale, it’s not cheating if I google myself. Besides, it’s not the sort of toy that penetrates.”
“If by google you mean making yourself come, I assure you it’s cheating. We had an agreement.”
I rolled my eyes. “Like you haven’t diddled.”
“I don’t diddle. I jerk off.”
“Well, pardon me. Like you haven’t jerked off.”
“I haven’t!”
My head slowly turned. By the tension around his eyes and the lack of sarcasm in his voice, I had the urge to believe him. “Good God, man, it’s been weeks!”
“I fucking know, Rayne!”
“You’ve taken a hundred long showers! What the hell have you been doing in there, caulking the tub?”
“I’ve been decompressing!”
“Is that like googling yourself?”
“Not even a little. I thought we had rules!”
“I never said anything about not masturbating!”
“You said no sex or penetration!”
“Sex, Hale. Since when has anyone gotten pregnant from a hand?”
He marched to the nightstand and pulled open the drawer. “This is not a hand it’s a power tool.” Wading through the uneaten candy bars, he knocked several pieces of chocolate to the floor as he yanked the vibrator free.
“Hey, watch it. You’re crushing my Ferrero Rochers!”
He pointed Thor’s Hammer at me accusingly. “Did you order the biggest one?”
I pursed my lips, dropping my chin to my chest. “They didn’t advertise it next to a peanut or a penny, so I had no idea it was going to be that big. What are you doing?”
“I’m taking this.” He wound the long cord around the handle. “You can have it back after the wedding.”
“Hey!” I rushed after him as he disappeared into his closet. “Hale, you can’t keep confiscating my vibrators. That’s like taking a kid’s blankie! It helps me sleep.”
