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I already knew.
Because Nathan White has his own language, one I understand, even if I didn’t think I could. When he doesn’t speak, I hear him, and when he can’t express himself, I listen.
I knew because there is a connection between us that feelings cannot express, not even if we name it over and over again. It simply exists without a name, so strongly that it’s indescribable.
No one else but us can comprehend it.
Despite my burning shoulder and my entire body begging me to drop the weapon, I straighten my arm. “Say it, Nate.” My throat is so tight I can hardly speak, and the tears that threaten to fall are becoming painfully unbearable as they burn my eyes.
I don’t want to do this.
But I will if he doesn’t give me a choice.
“Say you’ll give me some freedom. All I need to know is that I’ll be free to come and go as I please. We can give this a chance if we just start from the beginning. If I’m free to choose.”
He smiles at me, and as rare as it is, I see the apology in it. “I can’t, little sunflower. You’re mine. If I give you freedom, I give you a chance to leave me. If not today, tomorrow. If not tomorrow, maybe in a year, two, ten. No. I can’t have that. I’d rather you kill me than live with a chance of you deciding you don’t want me and walking away.”
“I won’t!” I cry out.
“You might. Shoot. I don’t care. Life isn’t worth living with a risk of you finding out my demons are too much for you to handle. My heart can’t beat without you around…isn’t that the same as dying anyway? I won’t give you what you want to hear. Shoot.”
“Please, Nate,” I whisper.
It’s when his brow furrows that I realize my cheeks are wet.
“You’re crying. I’ve never seen you cry.”
“I’m crying because I’m going to kill you. Because you’re breaking my heart.”
“I don’t want to break your heart. But I won’t set you free. I am your sun, little sunflower. Now and forever.”
A sob wrecks me, tearing through my chest. “Nate…”
The look of absolute resolution in his eyes wrenches another sob out of me. Tears are streaming infinitely down my cheeks, my stomach twisting.
If I don’t have my freedom, I don’t have my family. And I can’t do that. Not to them.
We’re at an impasse with only one solution to move forward, and he clearly knows it too.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” He digs his eyes into mine. “Anything, Kayla.”
I deny him any additional information with a stiff headshake.
“I’m sorry, little sunflower. That we won’t get to live through it all.”
“Please...”
“That it wasn’t for better or worse. That we’re not making it. I…” He swallows thickly. “I really wanted us to make it. I wanted to see you happy. I love you.”
I wince, my chest shaking as I try to breathe. I aim the gun at his chest. Everything hurts from the inside out. A sickness engulfs me, my muscles aching.
“I love you too, my sun.” And without looking away from him, I shoot.
Blood splashes against my face, and the smell of gunpowder chokes me.
His white shirt soaks in the ugly, thick, red liquid, and his eyes stay on mine.
He smiles as he takes his last breath.
