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I can’t, and won’t, force her to be mine anymore.
All I ever wanted was a chance with her and she gave me that. It’s my own damn fault that I royally fucked it up. I held onto her too tightly, so determined to make her love me. I put her life in danger, manifested her worst fears, and broke her beautiful soul.
I’ve done enough damage to last a lifetime.
Slipping back out the window, I glance at her one final time. She stares at her lap. Shoulders slumped, cheeks wet with tears, head bowed. She looks like a shell of her former self.
Guilt slithers through me, eating away at my insides.
I vanish into the night—disappear from her life. Only to wind up at a pub in upstate New York, drinking my body weight in vodka ten times over.
CHAPTER 49
Arianna
Ilaria wrinkles her nose at the sight of me, but her eyes are full of compassion. “Have you been out of bed at all this week? Like… maybe to shower?” There’s genuine concern in her voice.
I feel terrible wallowing in front of her when the ordeal I went through for a single day is nothing compared to what she suffered for six years. Six years. How is she even functioning?
I voice my thoughts. “How do you live day to day after… everything.”
Her laugh is edged with a hint of hysteria. “Oh, I’m not okay. If that’s what you’re thinking. Sophia found me a really good therapist and that’s helping a lot. As for the day to day… determination. I survived so much. I’m a survivor and I won’t let anyone take that away from me. I function daily, mostly normally, because I want my life back.” Her stormy grey eyes briefly flash with rage. “Survival is a choice. But you either do or you don’t. That decision is entirely up to you.”
A chill sweeps through me as I listen to her speak. She’s right, of course. The world and people around us throw crap our way, but it’s up to us how we deal with it.
I’m still figuring out how I want to deal with everything. At this point I’ve lost my job, my sense of self, and… Dimitri. The anguished look in his eyes when I tried to hand him my wedding band filled me with so much self-doubt. I almost snatched it back.
But I didn’t. I let the ring fall in the space empty between us because more than anything, I need a clean break.
I couldn’t stand one more second of my choices not being my own. He forced me to marry him. His father forced me to divorce him. Then everything I fought for was ripped away from me in that cage. From that point on, I was nothing but property to be bought and sold, used and tossed aside. Over and over again.
I need a fresh start. Severing all ties, even distancing myself from my family, has given me room to breathe, to gain perspective.
Yes, I’m in my parents home, but I’ve locked myself in my room for the past week. After that first night, I’ve barely seen anyone. Mama and Papa still loiter, but they don’t bug me. Gin spends most of her time in her own room, she’s in some sort of funk that I don’t have the energy to figure out right now. Sophia’s attending college and lives with Roman. Ravenna checks in every day through the door, spends an hour in the hall, then leaves.
Ilaria is the first person I’ve let in. A conscious choice I made because I want to see her.
She sits on the bench at the foot of my bed. “So, have you decided if you want to survive or not yet?”
With a shaky inhale, I bob my head. “I want my own life.”
“That’s good. And when are you going to start living it?” She casually glances around my bedroom, but her tone is serious. “Life is short, Arianna. When you have it all stripped away, even for a single minute, you realize how precious it is. Don’t waste your time hiding in the shadows. Figure out what you want and dive headlong into it.”
“What is it you want?” I ask her.
She thinks for a few seconds. “I’m trying to figure that out. Mostly, I’m trying to discover myself. I was taken away at sixteen, I don’t know who I am as an adult yet. But I’m slowly finding out.” Her gaze lands on me. “But you already know what you want.”
“I do?” My brows pinch together. “How do you know that?”
“You were always the decisive, headstrong one growing up. You had a million plans. Sophia told me all about your event planning and how good you are at it. How hard you’ve worked to make that your career. Don’t give up on yourself.”
I lick my parched lips, considering what she’s saying. “But I’ve made some bad choices in the past. Ones that led me here. I don’t know if I trust myself to make safer choices going forward.”
“Safer choices?” She shrugs. “All we can ever do is our best. The world is full of danger no matter who you are or where you go. Sure you can try to play it safe, but then you miss out on life.” Ilaria drops her gaze to her folded hands. “When my father sold me I was playing it safe. I should have run, or fought, but I didn’t because that would have gotten me into more trouble. I didn’t fight back because it was safer that way. Even at the worst times, I didn’t want to die, so I played it safe. You can see where that got me.”
I stare at her, speechless. I never would have thought about it like that.
“Anyway,” she says. “What do I know about life? I’m just a traumatized twenty-two year old trying to start living again. I’ll never be able to repay Dimitri for what he did for me. Without him, and you, I’d still be… Well, you know. Thank you for never giving up on finding me.”
