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“Just a headache,” he mumbles, closing his eyes again. “We’ll have to reschedule.”
His pallor and the dark circles under his eyes set off alarms in my mind. Something isn’t right here. I know those signs. I’ve seen them in the mirror too many times before. My heart squeezes with concern and disappointment as the truth becomes clear. Brian has fallen off the wagon.
I take a seat beside his recliner, anger and worry warring inside me. How could he do this to himself again? All the commitments he’s made, and he’s broken them already.
“Brian, talk to me,” I say softly. “Why aren’t you following your plan to get healthier? What happened last night?”
He opens his eyes, pain and shame darkening their brown depths. “I met Bob. Bennett, a guy who was in my unit, passed away recently.”
My heart sinks a little with the news. No wonder Brian slipped up. Grief and trauma are the biggest triggers of all. “I’m so sorry,” I say softly.
“Truth is, he might have been murdered, and I spent all day today setting investigators on the job of finding the loan sharks that may have been responsible for his death.”
“What?” I gasp. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he says, massaging his forehead.
“Of course,” I say, dropping the topic.
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard. “I should have been stronger. I know better. But the pain and the memories—they overwhelmed me. The bottle was just there, like always, and I couldn’t fight it.”
“You’re only human, Brian,” I remind him as my anger fades away, replaced by a deep concern for his well-being. “Things like this happen. but you can get back on track. You have so much strength and perseverance. I know you can get back into it.”
A ghost of a smile touches his lips. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”
I give his hand a gentle squeeze, my heart aching for all the pain and struggle he’s endured. “Because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to battle demons and lose myself. But we survived our demons, Brian, and we’ll survive this too. Together. I won’t stop until you meet your goals.”
He nods and then looks away. I feel like my time here is up. “Should I leave you to it, then?” I ask.
“No,” he says, hoarsely. He whips his head in my direction and looks right at me. “Stay. Please.”
I do as he says.
I sit with Brian in silence for a while, just holding his hand and offering comfort through my presence. He seems lost in thought, no doubt replaying the events of last night and struggling with guilt over his slip. But the self-recrimination will only make things worse. He needs to forgive himself and refocus on the road ahead.
“Brian?” I prompt gently. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I keep wondering if I’ll ever beat this thing. How many times do I have to fail before I finally succeed?”
“As many times as it takes,” I reply without hesitation. “Addiction is a lifelong battle. There will be ups and downs; victories and defeats. But every day you stay committed to your sobriety is a triumph in itself. Don’t diminish how far you’ve come. One mistake doesn’t undo all your progress.”
“You really believe that?” His gaze searches for mine, his eyes red-rimmed but clear. I can see the gears turning in his mind, trying to process my words.
“With all my heart.” I give his hand another squeeze. “You’re strong, Brian. This is just a minor setback. Now, stop beating yourself up and start planning your next steps. What are you going to do differently this time? How can I support you?”
A spark of determination ignites in his eyes. “I’m going to find a sponsor, someone who’s been through this and can guide me. And I’d like for you to be there, Tanya. Your support means the world to me.”
My heart swells with pride at his resolution. This is the Brian I know. The fighter who never gives up. The man I’ve heard so much about from his doting daughter. “I’m here for you every step of the way. You can count on me.”
Our eyes meet, and I hold his gaze for a moment, as a promise passes between us. Brian isn’t alone in this battle. Together, we will overcome every obstacle in our path. The future is filled with hope. But often hope is found in the darkest corners.
I take a deep breath and steel myself to share the demons of my past. If Brian is going to open up to me, I owe him the same honesty and vulnerability.
“I understand the struggle more than you know,” I say softly. “When I was a kid, I faced a lot of bullying because of how I looked. I was overweight, and the other kids never let me forget it.”
Brian’s eyes darken with sympathy. His grip on my hand tightens, urging me to continue.
“Their taunts destroyed my self-esteem. I started obsessively working out to try and change my appearance—to become someone else. It was an unhealthy addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. I would spend hours at the gym after school, punishing my body. Sometimes, I wouldn’t eat, or I’d eat too much and throw up.”
I blink back the sting of tears, as I feel old wounds reopening. “My parents were worried sick. Finally, my dad sat me down and told me the truth—that I was perfect as I was. That my worth isn’t defined by how much I weigh or what others think of me. The moment I internalized that, everything else fell into place.” A sad smile tugs at my lips. “It took a long time to get there, but I learned to love myself. To find balance and moderation. To surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am.” I meet Brian’s gaze, willing him to understand. “Addiction comes in many forms. You’re not alone in facing these demons.”
