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One shoulder rolled in a shrug as he played with our fingers. “Always, I suppose. I’m sorry to string you on all this time. You were the only chance I had at being happy and fulfilling my duties. Because I do love you, Jessa. I even thought we’d be quite happy together—who wouldn’t want to marry such a good friend? But it isn’t fair to you. I thought if I could buy myself a bit of time, another answer would present itself. It didn’t hurt to have you around in front of my father, either.”
I shook my head to clear it, my supper creeping its way up my throat. “So you used me.”
“I was sure I had it sorted. A happy ending would fall into place for all of us with a neat little click. But I don’t think I’ll have mine after all. I certainly can’t stand in the way of your happiness. It was easier when you didn’t have someone else.”
“So your jealousy of Remy was simply because you saw your opportunity fade?”
“Truly, Jessa—I fucking hate him and would rather see you with a number of predatory wild animals,” he said on a sad sort of laugh. “I had committed to you in my mind—you were mine. You were the key to my future happiness, and he stood in the way. So in that sense, yes. But I was genuinely terrified he’d take advantage of you. Hurt you. I never want to see you hurt.”
“Unless it suits you.”
A sad sigh. “It wasn’t fair. I know it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
I searched the jumbled up feelings in my chest, trying to assess the mess. All these years, he’d used me. He knew how I felt and kept me on the back burner just in case. He’d lied in that sense, gravely. He’d hurt me profoundly. I’d been but a pawn and wondered briefly if I knew him at all. If he truly loved me in any way.
As appalled as I was by what he’d done, though, I also understood him. As hurt as I was, as much as I mourned the years I’d spent waiting on him, I was also hurt for him, for his secret. My childhood friend who had been living a lie for so long. I mourned with him for the happiness he’d never have if he wanted a future with his family and estate.
Beneath it all, I didn’t think anything could stop me loving him.
“Eventually, I think so,” I admitted. “But I’ll need time.”
“Of course. Have I hurt you very badly, Bits?”
I laughed. “By lying to me our whole lives and promising me to be your beard for the rest of mine? Yes, Bobs, I’ve been quite betrayed. But...well, I’ll be all right. More all right than if you’d told me this a few weeks ago, certainly.”
“Because you have him now.”
“Yes. But that’s been its own challenge, hasn’t it? Between you, Mother, and Cass, there’ve been quite a few obstacles.” I sighed. “I fell for him anyway, though. And now I’ll have to face it all if I want to stay.”
“You’re staying?”
A smile spread on my face, slow as dawn. “For a little bit. Longer, if all works out.”
“So tonight with me was . . .”
“An appeasement for Cassidy’s sake. We were planning to tell her once the wedding was through. Didn’t want to upset her. She’s gone batty.”
“Completely mental.”
“I’m desperate to tell Remy—he doesn’t even know I’ve chosen to stay. We haven’t had a chance to talk at all without a gaggle of people around.”
He watched me for a moment. “You really care for him, don’t you?”
“I really do.”
“He is a handsome bastard. I loathe the poor bugger, but I can see the appeal.” A pause. “Think you might...love him?”
“I think I might. If not now, then soon.”
Henry stood, tugging my hand to pull me up. “Come on. You should go.”
“I can’t just leave Cass?—”
“Yes you can. Cassidy will survive without you. He must be going mad not knowing. And with me“—his face opened up with regret—“oh, God. Oh, God, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not as if you knew. And anyway, she expects me to stay with her tonight.”
He took me by the shoulders, hunching to look me in the eye. “Cass will be fine, darling. Please, go and ease that man’s suffering.”
