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“Nothing right now. It’s not too bad though. Please don’t worry. That’s my job anyway; to worry about you two.”
Before I can protest and tell him that I don’t want that to be his job—he really doesn’t need any more stress in his life right now—he tickles Ireland and says, “Don’t tell me it’s not my job, Emily, or Ireland here will get more tickles!”
Ireland screams and laughs at the same time while Jonathan goes in for the tickle and I hold my hands up and say, “Okay, I give up. I won’t say anything. Just don’t tickle the poor princess to death!”
“Princess? Did you say Princess?” Jonathan stops his tickling and gets a very serious look on his face. He puts Ireland on her feet and then takes a bow in front of her and says, “Please forgive me, Princess. I should know better than to tickle the Princess of Happy Valley. Do forgive me?”
She giggles but loves when they play princess and says, “You are forgiven, Sir Jonafon.”
In mock relief, he thanks her for her kindness and gives her the backpack that’s filled with all of the things she requested. She thanks him, but suddenly has no interest in all of the things she had wanted from her room. She takes Jonathan by the hand and pulls him to the couch. He follows her lead and takes a seat. She then proceeds to climb all over him while she chats about school, and how excited she is that next month it will be her turn to bring the class goldfish home for Thanksgiving week. A quick look of puzzlement crosses his face, but is gone almost as fast as it arrived.
On the topic of the class goldfish, the conversation about snack foods begins as he reminds her that fishies are the best snacks ever. She disagrees and says that Teddy Grahams are the best. He agrees that they are in the top five, but that the number one will always be Goldfish. They go on and on like this for what seems like forever, just like they always do. I never thought I would be jealous of my daughter, but in this moment, when I’m feeling so unsure of where things stand between the two of us, I do feel a twinge of jealousy. I hate to feel it, but she is getting all of his attention, and I feel like I am left floundering with all of my emotions about to bubble over.
Finally, I try to come to his rescue, and mine.
“Baby girl, let’s give Jonathan a break. Tell him thank you for bringing our things over for Uncle Mick, but he probably needs to get going now.”
He looks up at me, and I feel the blush flooding my cheeks. I hope that he can’t read my mind, and that he didn’t hear the sharpness that came out in my tone. It wasn’t intentional, but I heard it. I just hope he didn’t.
While they were having the chat of their life, my mom came home and has just walked back into the room when Jonathan stands form the couch and addresses her.
“Hey Cheryl, do you mind if I borrow Emily for a little bit?”
“I don’t mind a bit, Jonathan,” mom replies.
“Is it okay if we leave Ireland with you while we go for a walk?”
“Of course not, you two take your time. Ireland and I are gonna have a little snack and start a movie.”
He turns his attention to me and asks. “Do you mind if I steal you for a little bit?”
Suddenly I feel scared to death but in a totally different way. I can tell he wants to talk, but after he basically just sat here and ignored me I’m wondering what he wants to talk about. I want nothing more than to be alone with him, but I’m afraid to hear what he has to say.
“Sure, let me go grab my coat and we can go for a walk?”
“Sounds good.”
I walk over to Ireland, give her a high-five and tell her to listen to her grandmother. Jonathan is right behind me and helps me slip my hoodie on. Always the gentleman, he opens the door for me.
The moment we’re outside and the door is shut, he pulls me into a huge hug and he holds me so tight I can barely breathe. After several minutes of holding each other without speaking, he releases me and then cups my face like he always does before a kiss. As I am preparing to feel his lips on mine, he surprises me when he says, “I want nothing more than to kiss you until you can’t breathe, but we need to talk first. I have some things I need to say.”
He lets go of my cheeks, takes me by the hand and we start walking. We don’t say anything for quite some time. He leads us across the street to a little park, and we find a somewhat private picnic table to stop at. We both sit on the top of the table and Jonathan takes my hand in his. We turn to face each other and I give him my full attention. I don’t speak because I can tell this is something that he feels he needs to do, and so I let him guide us through this.
He looks to the side and exhales a big breath before returning his eyes to mine. Even with the uncertainty that is on his face, he is still the most beautiful man I have ever encountered, and I cannot believe I’m fortunate enough to have him in my life. He gives my hand a squeeze and begins.
“Emily, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for pushing you away. I was a mess. Hell, I probably still am, but I thought I was doing what was best for you and Ireland. When I found out that Bob was killed on that call, everything that happened with Matt came rushing back, and with that came all the feelings about not being there for my mom. Bob was yet another person that I let down. Knowing I was going to have to face his wife and look into her eyes knowing that she knew it was my fault that her husband wasn’t here anymore, was more than I could handle. I was drowning in guilt and self-pity. I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve you in my life, and that if I let you in I clearly wouldn’t be able to take care of you like you deserved to be. I seem to let down everybody I care about.”
I try to step in and speak, but he doesn’t give me the chance before he continues.
“I know I was wrong to push you away without an explanation, but I was a mess. You had finally made all my dreams come true, told me you loved me, and what do I do to thank you? I push you away and then drink myself into oblivion. I told myself that if I truly loved you I would remove myself from your life. I would do anything for you, even if that meant walking away from you. I was wrong. I can’t walk away from you. The thought that I wasn’t with you when you were being terrorized by this scumbag is something I will never forgive myself for. I would give my life for you and Ireland. I hope you know that? I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I know I was wrong. I also know that when I’m without you, I’m miserable. You are it for me, Emily, I just want you. I don’t care about anything else but you and Ireland. I love you so much and I am so sorry.”
By the time he’s done talking he’s no longer looking at me. He’s looking down at our joined hands. I can tell he feels almost worthless over all of this, and it is breaking my heart. It’s my turn to make sure things are clear from my end for a change.
“Are you done?” I say with all the confidence I can muster. His eyes pop up to mine, clearly surprised by my reaction. With a nod of his head he tells me he’s done talking, but he looks a little scared to hear what I have to say.
“Good, it’s my turn now.” I say locking eyes with him. I want to be sure he hears what I have to say. “These last couple of weeks you may have been a mess, but guess what, Jonathan? You’re my mess. Isn’t that what we said? I am yours and you are mine. You are my mess and it’s my job to help you get through the tough times. You have been helping me get through all of this crap going on with me, and it’s my job to do the same for you. You have made me see myself for the very first time, and to realize that I do deserve to be loved and cared for. By you. You have made me trust somebody besides myself for the first time in a very long time, baby. You say you’re a mess but I think you are a kind, amazing, funny mess that makes me and my little girl feel safe, cared for and most of all happy.” With a wink and a careful smile, I add. “You aren’t too bad to look at either.”
I see the first smile I’ve seen since our words of love in the hospital, and I can see some of that weight lift off of his shoulders as I continue.
