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Her eyes linger on mine as she turns to walk away and then my favorite shade of blue is gone again. I watch as she walks towards Riley, who comes out from behind the bar (something I’ve never seen him do) and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and a hug. My blood starts to boil.
Devon grabs me by the shoulders and turns me away from my view of her.
“Talk to me, J. You okay? You look pissed. You want me to take you home? Gabby and I can leave whenever you’re ready. Just say the word.”
Not answering any of his questions I turn around and she’s still talking to Riley. Does she know every guy in this fucking place? I feel myself getting that feeling that I’ve felt too many times since the day she said good bye to me. It’s not a good feeling and it makes me feel like I am losing control just like I did that day.
I must sit in that jeep for twenty minutes before finally starting the engine. I just can’t believe she’s done this to me. I know she said she would, but I just couldn’t believe she actually did it after everything. I don’t beg for anything and I was just begging for her phone number and she wouldn’t even give me that. What the fuck was so wrong with me that she couldn’t even give me her number or even her God! Damned! Last! Fucking! Name!
I feel an anger come over me that I have never felt before. I flip a bitch in the middle of the road and head back to base. The thirty-minute drive takes me twenty as I speed through traffic. Thank God it’s a holiday and there aren’t a lot of cars on the road. When I get back to our room Matt is the only one there. He tries to ask me what’s wrong, but I cannot be spoken to at this moment, and God help the person that gets in my way. I am on a fucking war path right now as I pace back and forth in our tiny room. Finally needing to do something to release some of my anger I pick up the small desk chair next to me and yell “FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!” at the top of my lungs as I slam the chair into the ground and the wheels on the bottom bust off. Then I pick the chair up and throw it across the room.
“Dude, talk to me! What the hell happened? What can I do?” Matt yells, but his voice sounds far away because the rage pounding in my head is drowning him out.
I turn to Matt who is mere inches from me and yell right in his face. “There is nothing you can do for me Matt! Not a God damned thing that anybody can do for me. Just leave me the fuck alone!”
If I had been in any other frame of mind, the look on Matt’s face would have been enough to snap me out of my funk and beg for his forgiveness. But all I see is red, and I just keep throwing things and destroying our room in a rage like I have never experienced. It’s a good thing we were pretty much packed to leave, and there isn’t too much available for me to throw. I am out of control and Matt takes it all. He just stood in the corner and waited for me to finish my tantrum. At some point I slide my way down the wall and just sit on the ground with my back against it, heaving like a wild animal. Matt does the same and slides down the wall next to me and just sits there with me for I don’t even know how long.
“She didn’t even give us a chance, Matt. She said she loves me but she won’t even try! What the fuck is so wrong with me that she can’t even try?” I plead to him like he has the answers.
“Man, I am so sorry.”
This is all he says. It’s all he needs to say and thank God Matt was there. Who knows how far off the rails I would have gone. He’s always the one who keeps me in check and is the calm, reliable one of the three of us. He’s like the dad of our crew, and I know I don’t need to worry about him telling anybody what just took place here in our room. Thank God Matt was here.
I have no idea how long we just sit and I breathe in and out and try to figure out how to breathe without her.
“Yeah, man I really need to get out of here. You guys don’t have to leave though. I can just get an Uber.”
“No, we’ll take you home Jonathan. You go . . . we go,” Gabby interjects.
“Let me run to the bathroom real quick,” I say and turn to go.
As I leave the bathroom downstairs at Kells I instantly get a whiff of the strong smell that is coming from the cigar room. I don’t smoke but I have spent lots of time in that room with the guys that do and for some reason the smell gives me a small sense of calm. Calm is something that I really need right now.
Taking in one last breath, I lift my head to look up the stairs before heading up and there she is stopped three steps above me, looking scared to continue her journey to the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she says back as she takes two more steps pressing her back to the wall. She’s as far on the other side of the stairwell as she can get and is now one step higher than where I stand.
“So, Mick’s your brother, huh?” I huff out sarcastically.
“Yep, you two work together, I hear?” She asks meekly and clearly to make polite conversation.
“We do,” I say with my arms crossed not giving her anything.
“So, have you been in Portland long?”
She’s trying to make conversation and I’m just making things awkward by being so cold. I know that I tell myself that I hate her. But it’s just not true. Seeing her, right in front of me, clearly feeling uncomfortable in my presence makes me feel like an ass.
“Four years. Devon talked me into it,” I say trying to lighten my tone and be nice.
Awkwardly, she says, “Oh. Well, that’s great.”
I have no idea why, but I just have to know if she’s with him when I ask. “So, you know Riley?”
“Uh, I do. We went to school together, but I haven’t seen him since I moved to California.”
Thank Christ!
