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After getting our treats at Elka’s, we head to the high school to pick Emily up. I put the tailgate down and Ireland and I sit with our legs swinging, eating our treats and waiting for Em.
Not too long after, she walks out of the building and my heart soars when I see her face light up when she sees us waiting for her. These two have turned me into a damn ball of mush and there is no denying it.
Shit J, these two own you already.
I hand Emily her scone and Ireland shows her what’s left of her flower-shaped cookie. I pick Ireland up off the tailgate and get her settled into her booster seat. On the drive home, she tells her mom all about me coming to get her and our trip to Elka’s. You would have thought I had taken her to Disneyland she is so excited.
Shit, Disneyland with Ireland. That is something that needs to happen.
“Wow, sounds like you two have had some fun. Don’t get used to it, baby girl. We won’t have Jonathan around forever to come pick you up for trips to Elka’s. Don’t get too spoiled.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
I really cannot believe after all the feelings I have conveyed to her over the last few days that she would have the balls to say something like that to Ireland, of all people, and with me sitting right here in the truck next to her! You have got to be fucking kidding me. The moment the words came out of her mouth, it felt like she had taken a knife and shoved it right through my heart.
“Where is Jonafon going?”
“I’m not going anywhere, Princess.” I grunt out with a clear edge to my voice.
If Ireland weren’t in the truck with us I would pull this mother fucker over and deal with this, but she is in the truck and so I just keep on driving.
“Jonathan?” Emily quietly asks for my attention from the passenger seat.
I can’t even look at her as I grip the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are turning white. I can feel a twitching in my jaw.
“Jonathan, what’s wrong? What did I say?”
“You said we wouldn’t have Jonafon forever, mommy. I think that made him mad.”
Gotta love four-year-olds keepin’ it real. How is it that Ireland knows exactly what’s going on and Emily doesn’t? I mean, what the fuck?
“Oh my God! Jonathan! No, I didn’t mean that how it sounded at all!”
I’m still pissed, but I can feel the ticking in my jaw ease as she looks over her shoulder to explain what she meant to Ireland.
“Baby girl, I just meant that Jonathan won’t always be on vacation and be able to just come and get you whenever he wants. He has a job and usually sleeps during the day. He just happens to have time off this week to spend with us. It doesn’t mean that Jonathan isn’t going to stay our friend for a long time or that you won’t see him. This week is just special. Do you understand?”
“Yes, mommy,” Ireland replies but sounds a bit sad at the realization that this isn’t her new norm.
I know that she asked Ireland if she was the one that understood her explanation, but I can feel her stare at me as I look straight ahead out the windshield of the truck. I know that she’s really asking me the question.
Do I understand?
I do, but I also caught the fact that she called me their friend.
I don’t know what I expect her to call me, especially to a four-year-old, but it stung a little. She knows I want more, so yeah, it stings. I get it though. I do. We’re just getting to know each other again and we haven’t defined anything at all…yet…so I guess friends is what we are at the moment.
“Jonathan?”
Yep, just like I thought, she was asking me for confirmation that I understood what she meant. And if I pull my head out of my ass I would realize that I do get it. I’ve just spent the last five years pissed at her. It’s really easy to fall back into that feeling and stay there if I’m not careful. I realize in this moment that the constant feeling of anger has dissipated a little bit every day that I’ve had Emily back in my life. Who am I kidding? I can’t stay pissed at her. She’s my Gracie.
“I get it, Em. Thanks for the explanation. I needed that after today. It’s not even noon yet and it’s been a pretty emotional day. I overreacted. Sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry for your reaction. I’m sorry for not thinking about the way it sounded when I said it. You’ve made it more than clear that you don’t want to walk away. I didn’t mean for what I said to sound like it did.”
She reaches across the cab of the truck and takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. She doesn’t let go until we pull into Mick’s driveway. As always, her touch is what I need. By the time we walk through the front door, I feel like I’m back to myself again.
The girls set upon their after school routine while I walk the dogs. Frannie and Frank seem to have found a groove already and there might even be a little bit of puppy love going on here. Frank better keep his paws off my girl though. No dog of Mick’s will be getting his groove on with my sweet little Frannie.
