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I could be back to work by now if only I could stop wallowing in my own misery long enough to give a shit. Nope, I’m in the same spot I’ve been in for days, thinking I may actually have to leave the house soon to re-stock on some cheap booze.
My phone has been dead for days, and Devon has pretty much given up on me. He hasn’t come by in a couple days, but that’s fine by me. I don’t need him riding my ass. I’m not ready. Not sure I ever will be. I don’t want to talk it out. I don’t want to do anything but drown out my self-induced sorrows. It seems he’s finally leaving me the fuck alone though. Thank Christ!
I haven’t had a drink since sometime last night and I think it’s late afternoon by now. I hate feeling sober because it means I can feel again. I don’t want to feel.
There’s a sudden pounding on the door and Frances starts barking like crazy. She’s probably hoping whoever is on the other side of the door is here to rescue her from the monstrosity that I’ve become. I hear Devon yelling on the other side of the door, but I still don’t make a move to get up and let him in.
Finally, Devon uses the key I gave him when I moved in and bursts through the door.
“Dude, why aren’t you answering your phone?”
I have no answer for him. I just lift my head and watch him as he paces the floor. He looks desperate.
“Wake the fuck up, Irish!”
He’s shouting and Devon doesn’t shout.
“What the fuck do you want, D?”
Still yelling, he stops his pacing and stands in front of me fuming.
“What do I want? I want you to snap out of your goddamned pity party and wake the fuck up! Emily and Ireland need you, asshole!”
I start to tell him that they don’t need me when he interrupts me.
“Just shut the fuck up, Irish. The bullshit has started again and it’s serious this time. Emily is terrified, dude. She needs you. YOU. NEED. TO. WAKE. THE. FUCK. UP!”
His words are starting to sink in, and I’m starting to feel anxious. I’ve never seen him like this. He is pissed, scared and frustrated. It must be serious.
What the fuck is wrong?
My girls…no!
This cannot be happening.
Not my girls!
“What do you mean it’s started again? Why is she terrified, D?”
Devon calms down and sounds very somber when he replies.
“J, whoever this is, that is messing with your girl? They’ve been in Mick’s house. They were in Ireland’s room, man. They fucked up her things.”
That is all it takes. It’s like somebody has flipped a switch and the surge of adrenaline and anger that I feel shooting through my body brings me back to life.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I thought by being away from them I was protecting them, but I was wrong. They need me with them to keep them safe. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and not doing what I was put on this earth to do. Take care of those two girls. Nothing else matters.
Devon can see me waking up out of my masochistic funk and says, “Go get in the shower, Irish. You fucking stink.”
“Thank you, D, for everything.”
“I got you. Now go get yourself together. Your girl needs you.”
I run down the hall to take my first shower in days and wake myself up so I can get myself back to where I belong.
31
Emily
