Page 102 of The Game Changer

Since I lost Caroline.

I can’t get her out of my head, and it’s driving me crazy.

School’s been a pit of rumors and accusations. People are pissed that I lost my temper on the ice, and I’m an easy target. Blame me for the loss. Forget the fact that my entire team was playing too.

I don’t give a shit what they think about me, but I’ve been avoiding all my usual hangouts and coming home as fast as I can each day. The guys are protecting me as best they can, except the team captain. Jason is so fucking pissed at me, and he’s telling anyone who will listen what a fuckup I am.

Thank God he’s not captaining the team next season.

My hockey bros have been bummed out about the loss. They haven’t blamed me, but that doesn’t take away the burn of losing. It’s hard to be around them all, hard to look them in the eye and answer their questions about what’s eating at me.

So my room has become a haven, and I’ve been keeping to myself, blasting my music, stuffing my face with stale pizza, and missing Caroline with an ache that’s fucking painful.

It’s pissing me off.

I don’t want to think about her. I want to feel nothing when it comes to that beautiful redhead, but she’s consuming me, and I’m losing my fucking mind.

“King of Wishful Thinking” is playing on repeat on Spotify.

I’m blasting that shit, thinking about Grandma and how she used to sing it when she danced around the kitchen baking.

I loved staying with them when I was growing up. I didn’t get to do it very often, but I had a few sweet summers at their place, and I wanted to live there forever. Grandma showered me with treats and music. Grandpa showed me how to build a birdhouse. We worked in his garage for hours, rocking out to Def Leppard and Bon Jovi while we hammered and sanded.

I want to go back to the simplicity of those days.

Part of me wants to call them, but I’m not sure they’ll understand my crisis. They’re old-school, and that’s partly why their relationship with Mom dissolved. They were so disappointed in her for getting pregnant at such a young age, for sleeping around in the first place. They could never really get over it. Even though they loved me and were nice to me, I was always the mistake they could rub in her face.

Shit, if I call them now and tell them how I might have knocked up a girl in college, it’ll go down like a lead balloon.

I can’t tell them.

And I won’t tell Mom either.

Nah, I’m just gonna lie here, hugging this pillow to my chest and staring at the ceiling while Go West tells me that one day I’ll get over this chick… because I’m the king of wishful thinking.

Fuck!

I thump the bed with my fist, anger coursing through me like it has been all week.

Every time I think about the fact that Ben might be the dad, I want to break something.

Which throws me, because that shit should bring me relief. It would take all the responsibility off me. I’d be a free man.

But I don’t want that.

And that thought brings with it a whole new flood of angry confusion, because I never wanted to tie myself down to anyone. Being a free agent is my jam.

Until Caroline.

Until she made me realize how fucking awesome having a person could be. Someone I could call mine. I fucking loved it.

I love her.

I wince, squeezing my eyes shut and not wanting those three little words ringing in my head.

I don’t do love.

I won’t.

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