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I had a plan in place, and I could face this.
That was a week ago, and since then, I’ve been on a roller coaster—plunging into fear-filled doubt before rising on a brief wave of positivity before the plummeting starts all over again. I’ve felt off-color and taken two sick days. I’m not actually sick, just exhausted and not wanting to face the world.
But when I woke up this morning, I knew I couldn’t keep delaying.
I’ve googled exactly what I need to do for a prenatal paternity test. My parents have offered to pay for it, and there’s nothing stopping me… except myself.
So that’s why I’m holding my breath as I open the door of the law building. I’m on the hunt for Ben, and the last time I saw him was outside this place, so I figure it’s a good start. It’s time to get this paternity test underway. I know I can’t contact Casey until I’ve done my part to start the ball rolling.
I should just be asking for his DNA rather than letting Ben in on this whole thing. I now know that I only need to speak to one of the potential fathers—if that test comes out negative, then the answer is clear.
The thing is, as much as Casey seems like the easier option, he’s not. Because I think he hates me, and having to talk to him again terrifies the shit out of me. What I did to him was awful. He has every right to never want to speak to me again. I screwed up so badly. I had gold in the palm of my hand and rather than taking care of it, I… I shat all over it with my lies and deceit. I didn’t mean for it to unfold that way. Things just went better with Casey than I expected. He said he’d be there for me… then he met my needs and called me his girlfriend and…and I couldn’t bring myself to be honest. I was so scared of losing him that I totally disrespected him. It took a raw, ugly conversation with my parents for me to see that… to truly understand where Casey must be coming from and how he must be feeling.
The thought of what I’ve put him through forms a fresh wave of remorse and shame to roll through my stomach. It aches and burns and reminds me why I can’t approach Casey right now.
Once I know the truth, I can finally call him with the world’s biggest apology… and the three words I want to say more than anything—“You’re the father.”
Please let that be true!I silently beg as I shuffle into the building.
I’ve missed Casey so much this week. The ache inside me is unbearable. As much as I’m scared to face him again, the number of times I’ve picked up my phone to text or call him has been insane… to the point where Lani actually threatened to confiscate my phone.
She’s been good for me, pulling me out of bed and mopping up endless tears as I’ve tried to process all of this. I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes. She’s been really quiet and withdrawn, which tells me I must be getting on her nerves, but she’s too good of a friend to turn her back on me.
The fact that I’m thinking of keeping the baby and doing this thing no matter what happens with Casey and Ben made her smile a little, so she must be proud of me for starting to figure out what I want and going for it.
Wiping my mouth with shaking fingers, I then rest my hand on my forehead. The headache I’ve been battling this week is brutal. I’m really hoping after I tell Ben the truth, it will ease. The tension I’ve been living with is taking its toll, and I have to get moving on this thing.
Dread bubbles in my belly as I inch my way toward the law building dining hall.
I can hear the rise of conversation as I draw near, and my steps falter. Resting my hand against the wall, I suck in a breath and try to remember what I was going to say to him.
“Ben, hi, yeah… there’s a chance you’re the father of my kid. Only a chance, though, because I also slept with Casey that week and… I don’t suppose you’d mind taking a paternity test, would you?”
I close my eyes, trying to put myself in Ben’s shoes for a second and thinking how horrific that news is going to be for him.
Why am I not just going to Casey!
Because you lied to him and he lost the hockey game, and you can’t!
I hate this on every level.
I hate myself. I hate alcohol. I hate one-night stands.
Letting out a shaky breath, I hear Dad’s voice in my head.
“It’s done, Cinny. You can’t change the past. You just have to make the best choices from this point on, and whether you like it or not, finding out who the father is has to be done. So just do it.”
He told me that on the phone last night when I confessed that I still hadn’t talked to Ben. I know he’ll be calling me later, following up. I should resent him for that, but I kind of need that motivation.
Pushing myself away from the wall, I shuffle a little closer to the dining hall, the smell of food making my stomach roil as I peek around the archway. The place is full. I scan faces—in-depth conversations, laughter, shouting from one table to the other. There’s a loud group of guys near the back, shoving each other and howling like chimpanzees. Whatever they’re doing is obviously hilarious. One of the guys is super tall, and I hold my breath, wondering if it’s Ben.
“Are you looking for someone?”
“Huh?” I spin around, glancing down at a short girl with a pixie haircut and a curious smile. “Oh, I just… Yeah, I was looking for Ben…” I shake my head, realizing I don’t even know the last name of the man who might be my baby’s father. “Ben.” My voice shakes. “Tall, basketball player, Ben.”
“Oh, him. Yeah, he usually has lunch in the athlete’s hall. I think he’s only got like one class in this building. And it’s today, because it’s my class too.” She grins. “You could wait for him if you wanted.”
“That’s okay.” I flick my hand through the air, grasping at the easy out. “I’ll catch him another time.”
