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“Yeah.” I work my jaw to the side and can’t even look at him.
If he says some shit like It’s gonna be okay, I will fucking lose it.
“Get changed. Give it to the ice.”
Closing my eyes, I gratefully listen to him leave the locker room and figure that’s damn good advice. For the first time ever, I’m tempted to ask Coach for the hardest practice yet. Give me the gauntlet or the iron cross. I’ll take it. I’ll fucking revel in it.
Anything to stop me from thinking about pregnancy tests and doctor’s visits and a redhead with big blues eyes and a baby growing in her belly.
CHAPTER 13
CAROLINE
It’s been three days since my doctor’s appointment, and in that short time, I’ve become obsessed with googling things about pregnancy. This is what I do when I’m stressed—I learn. I seriously geek out, figuring the more information the better. I don’t think it’s actually working in this case, though, because the more I learn, the more freaked out I get.
I’ve researched pregnancy, focusing mainly on the first trimester, because that’s what I’m in. When that got to be too much, I looked into abortion for a while. When I couldn’t handle that anymore, I went back to baby stuff and then briefly looked at adoption stuff before coming around to the whole “how much my body’s going to change if I go through with this” thing.
What I really should do is throw my laptop out the window.
My search history is a chaotic mess, giving away just how torn I am about this whole thing. Can’t I just wish it never happened?
Can’t I just go back to being the carefree girl with the uber crush on one of Nolan U’s hockey stars?
Everything felt so innocent and fun and light two months ago. Now it’s all heavy and intense and… ugh! Casey’s face when he dropped me off. I haven’t spoken to him or texted him since Thursday, because it was clear he was regretting getting involved. I know he wants to do the right thing, but it’s so obvious he doesn’t want to, you know?
I don’t know what’s driving his sense of duty. I mean, I guess I appreciate it, but a little enthusiasm on his part wouldn’t hurt.
Enthusiasm? Are you crazy? How can anyone possibly be enthusiastic about this?
Whatever I do, I’m going to have regrets. I just need to figure out which ones I can stand to live with.
“Seriously, would you stop googling shit? Your brain’s going to explode.” Lani walks into the room, drying her hair after her shower. I turn to watch the steam rolling out of our little bathroom. Her showers are always scorching, and the walls are left with thick layers of condensation, even when she has the fan running the whole time.
Spinning back to face my desk, I slap my laptop closed and plant my elbows on the wood. My head flops into my palms, quickly getting tangled in my thick hair.
“Look, I know this sucks. I get it, okay? But you’re only torturing yourself. You just have to make a decision.”
“It’s not that easy,” I grumble.
“I know. No matter what you do, it’ll hurt. But the indecision you’re warring with is just as much of a killer. I hate seeing you suffer like this.”
With a huff, I slap my arms down on the desk and spin back to look at her. She’s dressed now, her head tipped to the side as she squeezes the last of the water out of her long black locks. She’ll blow-dry it next; she always does.
My head starts to bob as I know exactly what I’ll do when she walks back into that bathroom. I’ll open up my laptop again, because I am a glutton for punishment.
“Look, maybe we should?—”
There’s a cheerful knock at the door. Lani flinches, staring at the wood with a cautious frown. “Who is it?”
“Uh, hi, yeah, it’s… it’s Ben. Caroline and I met at a party a while back.”
An ugly feeling spikes through my chest as I whip around to bulge my eyes at Lani.
He lets out an awkward chuckle. “I’ve been looking for her, and, well, I found out she lives in Huxley Hall. Someone let me in as they were leaving and told me this is her room.”
“They’re not supposed to do that,” Lani softly mutters while my eyes grow even wider.
“I hope you don’t mind me showing up unannounced like this. I’m probably…” He sighs, and I can picture his long fingers running through his hair. “I just really want to see her again, and I never got her number.”
