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“Sorry about that,” the woman—call me Ethel, dear—who leads us through the hallways says after we pass another water cooler with a bunch of people gathered around it. They must be parched here.
“It’s just that people are excited. We haven’t seen a wedding here since Cyrus married his mistress.” Ethel stops and seems to consider something. “Tried to marry his mistress. His wife had a thing or two to say about that.”
Lake lifts his head and meets my gaze. He sends me a weird look, which is a clear improvement seeing that so far he’s been looking like he’s contemplating pulling a runaway groom on me.
“That’s just bad manners,” I tell Ethel and glance toward Lake. He’s looking away from me, but I can see the corner of his lips tilting upward.
Ethel nods and continues walking down the endless-looking corridor. “Nobody’s seen Cyrus since that day.”
I widen my eyes at Lake, and he snorts. He tries to hide the sound by clearing his throat. This is getting interesting.
“He moved to Alaska,” Ethel continues her reminiscing, blissfully oblivious to the effect her story is having on Lake. “Tragic story.” She shakes her head, her lips pressed into a thin line.
“Is—was—he not happy in Alaska?” I ask, while behind me, Lake lets out another snort-cough hybrid.
“Difficult to say, dear. A polar bear ate him. Bones and all. They only identified him based on his teeth. He had gold teeth because he said he wanted to hide his assets from Maggie should they divorce. Guess the polar bear didn’t want those. I imagine in the end he regretted going to Alaska a great deal.”
“Cyrus was a bit of a scumbag, huh?” Lake asks, and I almost choke at the casual tone.
Ethel doesn’t seem to mind at all. “Having morals wasn’t high on his list of priorities, no. Well, at least the polar bear didn’t go hungry. They’re endangered, you know.”
“You don’t say,” is all I can think of to reply to that.
“Magnificent creatures. Although Cyrus was hardly a tasty snack after a lifetime of questionable booze and counterfeit cigarettes. But food is food.”
“Can’t be too picky in harsh conditions,” Lake says.
She stops so abruptly I almost run into her. I manage to stop at the last possible moment, but Lake walks straight into me. Instead of pulling away, he presses his mouth to my shoulder, his whole body shaking with laughter he’s doing his best to suppress.
“Let me just check if the judge is available,” Ethel says.
“We’ll wait.”
The door closes behind Ethel. Lake eyes the door for a second before he looks at me. “So… we both agree they totally murdered Cyrus?”
“Yup. One hundred percent ditched his body in a well.”
“Or fed it to pigs. I saw something like that in a documentary once.”
“I keep telling you, Criminal Minds isn’t a documentary.”
“As far as you know.”
“If it is, we’ll be starring in it soon enough. Little mild-mannered ladies like Ethel never get caught because nobody believes they could wield a knife like a pro.” I look around the hallway. “Think we should leave behind clues to help the cops along? Quick, take that painting off the wall, and I’ll scribble a hint behind it. ‘She with the poofy perm knows how the blood of a man tastes.’”
Lake’s lips twitch for a moment, and then he starts to laugh, and by the time Ethel comes back out there are tears in his eyes.
She stops and eyes Lake. “Oh dear. You’re already getting emotional. Well, it’s a big day.” She pats Lake’s forearm. “Come on, now. This way we go.”
Lake blinks. “Wait. Didn’t the judge have time for us?” he asks as he hurries after Ethel. She moves surprisingly fast for somebody who looks to be in her eighties.
“He’ll be right with us. Don’t you worry. You’ll be married to your man in no time at all.”
“Then where are we going?”
“To the ceremonial room, of course. We won’t do these things in Harold’s office. The place is a health hazard. He’s a bit of a hoarder, you see. We tried once. He had a stack of magazines on the desk he refused to move, and they toppled over. Turned out they were those nudie-magazines. It was quite a scandal. The groom threatened to sue. Some people are so uptight,” Ethel says with a puzzled expression on her face.
Lake is gnawing on the inside of his cheek to stop himself laughing, and all I can think to say is, “Prudes.”
