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“Sit the fuck down, Zane,” Jax says with an air of authority leaving no room for arguments. “Now.”
He looks like he wants to argue, but I’m guessing he sees what I see. It’s an argument he won’t win. Not this time. Dr. Thompson gives Jax a nod of thanks.
She turns to me first. Everything in me wants to run away from this woman. Or at the very least, turn my attention back towards the window. When I begin to do just that, Jax gives my hand a little tug. His eyes plead with me to cooperate with the woman.
I hate seeing the hurt there in his beautiful hazel eyes, but I’m finding it hard to give in to his silent request. My mind and body rebel at the thought of opening up even though that’s exactly what I was doing minutes ago with my brother.
But I didn’t do that because I wanted to. I did it to get Zane to focus his anger at the correct target. Me.
It was the first time I’ve acknowledged what happen to me out loud. Especially in such graphic detail. I just don’t know if I am able to talk about it outside of anger. I don’t know if I can give a voice to my feelings. I’ve taken enough psychology classes in college to know that’s exactly what’s expected. I have also known all this time it’s what I need. But how do I reconcile what I logically understand and what I’m able to do.
I can’t. As hard as I try to force myself to stay in the conversation my gaze drifts back toward the window almost against my will.
“Zoey,” the doctor says in a low, calm voice, “I’m going to need you to stay with us. I need you to answer a few questions. We don’t have to get indepth right now, but I need you to talk.”
I try to force myself to look at her, but my body won’t listen to me. I open my mouth to speak, but there’s no sound leaving me. Minutes ago, I was yelling at the top of my lungs. Now I can’t even get a few words out.
When I tried to – well kill myself the other night, I fully expected to succeed. I had no idea I wouldn’t be successful. It wasn’t a cry for attention. It was a desperate act to end my suffering.
But, by some miracle – or disaster – I didn’t die. I think most people would feel relieved that they get to try again. They’d take it as a sign that they have something to live for. I don’t.I’ve always known I had something to live for. It was never about that. But, as usual, I’m selfish. I didn’t care about what I had to live for. I just wanted the pain and nightmares to stop.
“Come on, Zoey. Help me out here,” she says sweetly.
I feel Jax move from his chair. Panic and anxiety threaten to fill me at the thought of him leaving. Which really is part of the reason I had to run away from him. One of the few selfless reasons. I didn’t want to bring him down with the dependency I knew I would feel for him. I’ve never wanted to be dependent on anyone, but I’ve always known I had it in me to be completely dependent on Jax.
But he doesn’t leave. He sits on side of my bed placing his hand on the back of my neck. He doesn’t try to force me to look at him. Instead, he brings his mouth to my ear. “Please, baby talk to her so we can take you home,” his voice full of pleading. “I need you to talk to her.” He places soft kisses against my neck giving me a different kind of chill. One that I didn’t believe I’d ever be capable of again.
I can’t take it anymore, so I finally turn my head to him. I lean my forehead against his. “I love you,” I whisper. “I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s where you’ve always been wrong, beautiful,” he whispers back, “because you’ve always deserved better than me. I’m just glad you still want me.”
I breathe in his sweet, minty breath. It sends a calm through me I forgot existed. I know running was a mistake when he’s all I’ve ever needed to heal. I just worry what it will do to him. “I’ll never stop wanting you, Jay. You have my heart. I’m so fucking sorry for running from you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for everything I did. God, you have no idea what I’ve done. How could you possibly forgive me?”
“I already told you. No more apologies. I just need you to realize that I’m never going to stop loving you. I tried but it’s impossible.” He wipes a stray tear that’s streaming down my cheek. “Please stop trying to push me away. Yeah?”
I nod in an agreement I hope I can keep.
“Please just do what she asks so we can go home.”
“I’m not going home, Jay. They’re not going to let me after what I did.”
“Not right away but you’ll be closer to me. And when the time is up, you’ll come home. With me where you belong.”
“You are my home, Jax.”
“Then you’ll talk with her?”
“I’ll try but sometimes words won’t come out,” I admit.
“And that’s understandable, Zoey,” the doctor says making me jump. I’d forgotten there was anyone else in the room. “You two seem to have a very strong bond despite being broken up and apart for a year,” she observes.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Zane remarks with an almost audible eye roll.
“We weren’t broken up,” Jax declares.
The doctor clears her throat. “Zoey, can you tell me why you tried to hurt yourself?”
I can’t stop my own eye roll at her question, but, again, words won’t come out of my mouth.
