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I’m so confused. Pulled in two opposite directions by my own brain. Run toward them. Run from them.
I want them to love me, but that makes me selfish. And I have to choose eventually, because one day they will get tired and force me and I won’t be able to, same as I can’t now.
Which means if I want to save us the hurt in the future, I have to remove myself from the equation. Because if this already hurts so much, how much will it hurt a month from now? A year? A decade?
I don’t know how long it will take, but it is inevitable. Now matter what they claim to feel now.
“I understand you both…love me,” I begin, gritting my teeth. “As to why, only god knows.”
Nate opens his mouth to speak, but Mason grabs his arm, gives him a very subtle shake of the head.
I am quiet. I need them to understand. Yes, eventually. But right now, I’m about to break, and I need then to leave me. To let go. To forget about me. Even if I will never forget about either of them.
“I don’t have enough love for both of you.” I clear my throat. “I don’t know if I even have love foroneof you. I’m not–” My voice cracks.
Behind Mason and Nate’s eyes, I can see the light dimming. They start shutting down right in front of my eyes.
I want to scream at them I am lying. I want to beat myself up for hurting them like this. I want… them.
But that is impossible.
When neither of them tries to argue, I’m grateful.
I’m not strong enough to keep up the fight for much longer.
“Please go,” I whisper, my stare fixed on my feet so I don’t have to watch them watch me, don’t have to feel the stab in my chest for the pain I’m causing them.
They don’t move for a long moment. Then Mason mutters, “Come on, man.”
Nate has a tough time getting off the bed and to his feet.
As they stand and move through the apartment, I feel the threads pulling me to them trying to tighten. Everything in me screaming to go after them.
And with each step the take, the threads tying them to me break one by one. Releasing them from my toxic love. From this perverseness that has invaded me.
The front door opens and shuts quietly behind them. But the noise feels like my fate being sealed.
I let my head tip back and my eyes flutter shut.
It’s over.
All of it is over. Because I was stubborn. Because I sent away the best two people I’ve ever known. The last two people who ever loved me. Because I’m not enough. I’m wrong.
I burst into tears. Hard, heaving sobs so intense I feel suffocated.
I’ve lost them. Both of them. Because I couldn’t choose.
Letting them go was supposed to feel right. Was supposed to feel good. Leaving seemed like the right thing to do. That’s what I repeated to myself while I packed my bags, wrote the notes, and left the penthouse for the last time.
Right now, it feels like the worst mistake of my life. Nothing has ever felt more wrong.
And it’s all my fault.
But time works miracles, right? So, I have faith.
This will feel right soon. It has to.
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