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I meant what I said when I told him that I would want to keep seeing him if we lived closer to each other. But dating long-distance? I simply can’t see how that would work. It’s one thing for two people to do the long-distance thing when they’re already in a relationship. But Theo and I only just started to get to know each other.
It would never work. All logic tells me that.
I look over at Theo as we pull up to the beach house. After spending the day at the secret beach, the three of us ate dinner together at one of the restaurants Theo frequents. It was a nicemeal, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation that Theo and I had earlier in the day.
Now, as we get out of the car, I feel uncertain about what to say to him. I would love to keep spending time with him, but I’m not sure if that’s going to confuse him and send him the wrong message. The last thing I would want to do is cause him more pain.
Before I can say anything, Aimee pipes up. “Okay, Ireallyhave to pee. I don’t know if you’re leaving, Theo, but if you are—goodnight! It was fun hanging out with you!”
Theo laughs and waves at Aimee as she rushes off. “You too!”
As Theo’s eyes fall back to mine, I feel my heart contract. God, I wish I didn’t like him as much as I do. It would make it so much easier to walk away.
“Are you headed home now?” I ask.
He studies me, looking uncertain. “Do you want me to go home?”
“No. But I’m worried that if you stay, it’s going to make it even harder to say goodbye. Maybe it’s for the best if you go.”
“Right. So I want to stay…and you want me to stay…but I’m not going to.”
I smile sadly. “I know. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“What if we don’t do anything?” he asks. “What if we just talk? As friends?”
If any other man was making that suggestion, I’d call bullshit. But I know Theo well enough by now to know that he really means it.
“Okay,” I say. “That sounds nice.”
And so that’s what we do. Theo comes inside, and I make us some tea, and we hang out in the living room and just talk. It’s relaxed and comfortable, and I’m fully present with him, listening and nodding and laughing as we share stories about our lives. I can tell that sometimes he struggles to fully express himself, and that sometimes he doesn’t have a clue about what I’m talking about, but it doesn’t matter. It feels like he reallyseesme, and that’s what matters.
It’s late when he leaves. It’s after midnight, I think, although I’ve also lost sense of the time. As I walk him to the front door, I feel a lump form in my throat.
“Don’t worry,” Theo says, smiling at me. “I won’t try to kiss you goodnight.”
My heart breaks a little when he says that. I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I want to tell him how glad I am that we met. How much I care about him. How I’ll always think fondly of him. But I don’t think I can get the words out without breaking down.
“Goodbye, Lindsey,” he says, squeezing my hand in return before letting it go.
I watch him walk away for as long as I can, until tears blur my vision and I have to turn away.
8
LINDSEY
THREE WEEKS LATER
“Argh!”
I groan as I rub my hands over my face, feeling like I’m about to lose it. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop for hours, wrestling with this stupid code and barely making any progress. I should have finished this project days ago, but I keep running into problems, or finding mistakes that I made by accident.
It’s been like this ever since I came home from Malibu. And it’s not just the coding that’s been a mess. I haven’t been sleeping well. Every meal I eat tastes dull. I tried watching a rom-com last night and I didn’t laugh a single time.
There’s no mystery about why I’ve been so off these past three weeks. It’s all because of Theo. Hard as I try, I can’t get him out of my mind. I keep reminding myself of all the reasons why it doesn’t make sense to be hung up on him, but no amount of reasonable logic helps.
Frustrated and annoyed with myself, I look out my apartment window and watch the rain fall. It’s been raining for hours, heavydrops coming down from solid gray clouds. If the weather wasn’t so bad right now, I’d go out on a walk to try to clear my head.
Maybe I should call Aimee. No. I’ve talked her ear off about Theo plenty. Besides, I know exactly what she would say to me if I called her right now. She would tell me to listen to my heart, to stop trying to talk myself out of what I clearly want…
