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And so, it goes. Week after week.
I apologize. I’m making my life sound tedious, but it’s not. It’s comforting, like a favorite blanket one drags around as a child. It’s friendly and reassuring. I do worry that maybe I’m settling. Am I settling? I’m always told I shouldn’t settle. Except for this one TV show that actually makes sense to me. There’s this woman and her friends at a bar. Her boyfriend is standing right behind her. She’s encouraging this other guy to go talk to a woman. “Women want men with passion, verve, stamina!” totally working him up and panicking him, “But you know, when it comes down to it, we’ll settle for a man! Go talk to her!” And her boyfriend goes, “Have you settled for me, then?” “Don’t be paranoid,” she reassures him. “Of course, I have.”
Is that so bad? To be happy? To find someone worth living with. Or working with, or whatever?
Some of my friends will tell me no, don’t settle! But, also, a lot of my friends are alone and have been for a long time. It doesn’t make them happy, either.
I’m not sure I want that for myself.
People aren’t perfect. We say that often enough, but do we believe it? And it’s not settling I’m worried about. It’s settling down. I’m not yet thirty. Maybe I’m too young to be serious about anything. But maybe I’m not? I wish there really was an adult manual. When I was a kid, my mother told me there was this adult handbook that told her what to do. She’d bring it up when I asked her why she did something. How it was all in the adult handbook.
Of course, I know the handbook is a lienow. But I still wish it really existed. It would be nice.
I think it would make life a tad easier. Because of course it can’t ever be easy.
* * *
February 11
As befitting an adult,I now have my own place! I decided that I need some space and having David as a roommate was becoming…distracting. I befriended a girl at the bar on one of my nights out and she needed a roommate because she lost her job. Two blocks away from David’s house, on a 3rd floor of a walk up building.I’m going to get my exercise with these stairs.The unit is huge – space for at least 2 more people in it – yet surprisingly within my budget. I love its character. Old time colors, wood moldings, brick fireplace, and a sunroom up front where I can just lay on a chaise, sun, and read.
Jasmine, the girl I befriended (she even looks like a middle eastern princess,) has the bedroom suite in the back and has spread out her things around that part of the apartment. There is a huge dining room outside of her bedroom with a built-in unit that she’s using as her entertainment room with beanbags, a gaming console and TV.
I take the bedroom suite closer to the front door that opens up to the living room space that has a huge set of built-in bookshelves. And while the place is huge, the bedrooms are not very large at all. My bed fills up almost the entirety of my bedroom. There’s barely enough space for a night table, so I fill up the windowsill with my knickknacks. The closet is large, and I don’t actually have a lot of clothes to fill it up with.Something to fix. Soon.
Our schedules seldom align, so the only time we get to hang out is when we’re playing games on her console. About two weeks after I move in, and at least on the eighth tirade on how hard it is to find a job during a loot run, I get a brilliant idea. Helping out on the business side is taking up more and more of my time, maybe it’s time for someone (perhaps even, Jasmine) to pick up the nannying duties. I pitch this idea to David the next day. He doesn’t say yes, nor does he say no. I remind him that we agreed that I won’t be nannying long-term, and he grants Jasmine her interview. Within another week, I am training Jasmine how to be a nanny and she has a job.Everybody wins!
* * *
February 14, 11:00am
DidI ever tell you clients are the worst? And I thought I actuallylikedthis one.
I understand life isn’t easy. Igetlife isn’t easy. You can’t plan how things turn out. You can try, of course, and that’s worthwhile. That doesn’t mean there’s any guarantee.
That isn’t what bothers me. What I despise is that most of my so-called struggles are a direct result of pettiness, lying, and people who think they know what they’re doing making terrible decisions because they have no clue. Why is competency so underrated? Everyone loves McDonald’s. It’s not because they make the best burger (okay, maybe some think they make the best fries). Everyone knows that. It’s not because they’re the cheapest. Fast food isn’t all that cheap. I can spend $7-10 on a meal at McDonald’s or the same on a lunch special at a Thai restaurant that isamazing.It’s because they provide consistent value and quality. And that Thai lunch specialcouldbe amazing. Or it could be terrible. If I’ve never been there, I don’t know (and I can’t always get to my favorite Thai restaurants). Sometimes I just want the safe option.
He, for all some might say about him, is the safe option. Which is kinda crazy, because his life is a rollercoaster. But he has always treated me with the same level of respect, day in and day out. Day after day. He has yet to lie to me (and people usually lie to me right away. And I always know. They don’t lie particularly well.).
Clients? Clients are a box of chocolates. Clients, customers, whatever. That’s been my whole life. You just never know. And sometimes, they switch over on you when you’re halfway there. Wherever “there” is, of course. A deadline, a successful project. A lunch meeting. Sometimes it almost seems like a giant conspiracy designed to keep you on your toes. But, if I’m frank, my balance on my toes isn’t the best.
Today was okay. It wasn’t the best and it wasn’t the worst. But today I lost someone who was rather dear to me. And by lost, I mean she ran away. I don’t know where she ended up. Now, I only want to curl up in bed and push the world away. At least for an afternoon.
She wasn’t just a client. She and I would stay up late together, and some of our conversations turned more personal than professional. I felt towards her as I would towards a best friend. She and I chatted as if we were old friends. I would have felt as crushed as she, if she did not succeed the way we both wanted.
I could see everything working beautifully.
But she takes the money we help her raise, and she flees. I suppose she’s not the first to do so. But I’m betrayed.Happy Valentine’s Day.
I wanted to confront her and tell her how I felt. Did she have to ruin relationships and run? If she’s scared, that’s normal. Don’t run. Would’ve been nice to know this earlier, but until you stand on the brink of success, you cannot predict your reaction. Will you jump? Or will you fall?
I’d put my heart into this venture; and I thought she had, too. How could someone give up so easily? David told me, it’s impossible to argue against fear. He’s probably right, but I’m not going to give up. And we don’t.
We scrambled and fixed this setback, and I get the sense this won’t be the last time. He'd warned me I wouldn’t be able to have time for vacations in the first few years, and I’d better take one early on. I started to realize why.And I missed my Valentine’s Date. Oh well. Next year.
February 14, 10:00pm
I’m not going to get consolation from David, though, clearly. Fortunately, I’ve got alternative sources of comfort. It’s late, but I pull out my Tarot deck.
