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I believe in things I don’t see. The cards help me connect to that. I know it sounds weird, but I believe in the cards like others believe in their respective religious texts. I want to know what the future has in store for me, and I trust them to tell me. I’ve done this since high school. My mother taught me, one of the few things we shared between us. I’m grateful for that, rather than disappointed in the mother she could not be to me. But she got better.
I shuffle the cards, focusing my energy. I whisper the question in my mind. What now? What next? Am I making the right choice?
I cut the cards in three piles with my left hand. I put them back together, switching the top and bottom sections. Then I lay them out in the Celtic Cross, my preference. Then I sit back, sweep the cards with my eyes, and take a moment to bring it all together.
The Magician. This is who I am. I think I was the Fool when I returned from my last adventure, but I’m already manipulating my environment to create what I want for myself, but do I know what that is? I don’t know. I’m looking deep within myself, but I think, right now, I’m just stirring the potion round the pot. I’m just throwing whatever in and hoping it works. And so far, it seems like it’s working pretty well. Nine of Cups, reversed. Misplaced truth. I am not what others see me as, I am not as good as I pretend. And nobody sees that, not even him, somehow. And he sees everything about it, it’s unnerving. This is what crosses me. Two of Cups. This is my foundation. Love, passionate engagement, but also friendship beginning? Is David my love or my friend? The Lovers. This is what I look up to, what I hold dear. Of course, the Lovers would appear. I’ve always had enough lovers, but is this an indication of a test that I must pass? I don’t know how I feel about that.
Ten of Batons. This is my recent past. Overburdened with excessive pressure. Yes, that’s me. Good thing it also indicates problems are soon to be resolved, and this ties into my near future, the Six of Swords. This card represents my future, but the very quickly approaching future, maybe a few days from now or less. Less than a few months, for sure. Memories, childhood passed. Am I leaving my old self behind?
Queen of Cups. This is how I see myself. A warm hearted, fair and beloved person. I do want others to like me. But I’m not sure how well I’m doing at that. Good friend and mother…and devoted wife? I don’t know aboutthat.Seven of Cups. This is how others see me. Fantasy and daydreams. Well, Rachel probably thinks so. Probably most of my friends and family. They think I am lovely, but flighty. Six of Cups, reversed. These are my hopes or my fears. I see opportunities, but opportunities to fail as much as succeed. I don’t even know which way I lean. Three of Batons. This represents the ultimate conclusion. Practical knowledge, strength, enterprise. Somehow, through all that, I get to a solid…business venture? Of course, love is love, but they do say that financial trouble is what breaks it up. If I have financial security, perhaps it’ll be easier to find love. Interesting how The Lovers and The Magician both appeared in the reading. Perhaps I’m about to have some fun with my love life?
I don’t know my future, but my cards always seem to know. They hone right into what is on my mind and offer a rather pointed view, at times, of what will happen next.
How funny that this has helped me so much. This deck I own now is a present from a friend. I exchange my deck for this one. And it’s brought me very sound advice over the years. I’m not alone in feeling this way. I dressed up as a fortune teller in college, and by the end of the night, I had a line of folk waiting maybe half an hour or longer to get their cards read. Because they’d seen the person before them, and it was crazy how accurate it all turned out. I read cards at Burning Man, very briefly, yet each one was poignant to the person.
Once, I read cards for a girl who was breaking up with her boyfriend DURING THE BREAKUP. As in the breakup was happening in that group, with all of us watching it happen. When I got to the part where I checked the description of the one card which said, no joke, “You are going to have something better soon,” I just stopped reading the book out loud until the guy left the room. Did not feel like he needed that salt rubbed in the wound.
Yes, the cards are that good. At least with mine.
So maybe, just maybe, I should keep trusting them.
The cards say I’m doing all right. I don’t have a husband, a home, or children, but the cards aren’t worried (I’ll leave that to my parents and random strangers).
Who am I to challenge the spirits that be?
* * *
March 1
Maybe I’m notthe magician, maybe he is? I’m not sure how, but he turned the runaway client into a runaway success story. I shouldn’t be surprised – he always sees the positive in every situation. he even got some of his friends interested in investing into a nationwide expansion. I’ve never gone through that process before.
Then again, our team did run a very successful campaign for the runaway client, and that apparently makes us rock stars.
Oh yes. Our team are the rock stars. Well, some of them, at least. And I was responsible for recruiting all of them into the company, and I feel quite good about my recruiting results. First, there is Sissy. She is the unquestioned leader of our little group. I found her running a start-up event at her business school. She’s my age, but she spent several years in a large consultancy firm so she’s far beyond where I am professionally. She knows what she’s doing, and she doesn’t suffer fools lightly. Maybe that’s why she loves working with David. They’re like two sides of the same coin.
Then there are the four “young” ones. The two marketing girls, Maria and Susan, who are amazing eye candy and manage social media and trumpet the products that we partner with. They also go to events and sometimes take somewhat inappropriate pictures of David when he takes his naps on the office couch. And then there are the two operations guys, John and Brady who seem to be good, but I don’t really understand what they do. Something about invoicing and such.
David assigns me to another client whom I befriend. She and I work from her home. She has two cats. They like to rub around our ankles while we type at our laptops and drink wine. Why not? Very quickly I get a sense that she really likes the social aspect of working with our team, but she doesn’t actually likes working. It’s like she thinks that this start-up experience is all about socializing but not really about working. So by the end of the first week, she ends up disappointing me, too. People can be very, very disappointing. The good news is that we didn’t need to run a full project before said disappointment set in. I guess that can be called a victory...
I think I’ll go get a glass of wine, after all.
* * *
7
Kitten Gets a New Look
March 12, 6:45pm
Our work with the investor (okay, mostly David and his team’s, but I helped, too!) neared the end of the line. We had done everything we could. It either would happen or it wouldn’t. I had little to no control or say over what happened next. I’d done my part, now I had to let others step up and complete their parts. My inner anxiety in no way listened to those comforting thoughts but kicked right in full gear.
We’ve got a big project right now that needs to go well in order to attract investment.Everything caused me worry. I worried that something would go wrong. I worried that her company wasn’t worth what I thought. I loved her products, but so what? I’d never come this close before; I didn’t know how this worked. What if the investment fell through? Whatever the future held, we worked together tirelessly. Some mornings, I remember brainstorming till 2am.
It’s a hazy Monday. We’re putzing around in the office kitchen trying to make coffee, since the coffee shop downstairs is closed for repairs. It’s a Monday alright. Normally he is quite focused on relevant tasks, but I can tell his mind is elsewhere. It’s always in a dozen places, but today, he’s not even here.
“Is everything okay?” I’m tentative, wondering if I’m crossing boundaries.
“I want to be honest with you,” he says. “The investment is coming along slower than I thought. These things always are, but I’m wondering if my ex is right about me. That I was stupid to think I could succeed with my own company.”
